The Other Side of Boundaries: Value Those Who Genuinely Care For You. The Rare Beauty of Deep Connections. Accepting "Socially Inappropriate" Behaviours as Beauty too. Expressions of Gratitude.

Boundaries and letting go are important concepts for an INFJ to learn. They have been my focal points for about a decade. I will forever be learning in the realm of "appropriateness" and proper boundaries. But there is a counter balance to this lesson. Luckily, for me, this counter balance comes more naturally. However, in the past, it threw me often into the deep end of other's grasping hands of use or desperation. So I had to learn to bury my depth of caring. I began burying it with distant friends, then in immediate circles, and finally this mentality even bled into my relationship with my husband. Luckily, my children were always my constant. They continued to allow me to be ME. They adored me as I was and am. If it wasn't for them, I think I may have locked that aspect of myself forever in the dark recesses of my soul.

But they were there. With their unconditional love, support, and acceptance. And I saw that it didn't matter how intense I was, how absolutely quirky or ridiculously animated I became...whatever I was, and how tightly I held on to them- they loved me back or more for it. When I showed them every day how much I cared in varied ways, they didn't ask me to put up more boundaries. They simply accepted. Of course I had a few natural, healthy boundaries, but I didn't have to actively practice "boundaries" with them the way I had to with others. What a relief that was!

Boundaries are important. For the rest of my life I will be writing, implementing and learning about boundaries, letting go, and allowing growth to take me in different directions. But there IS another side. And I will forever constantly be torn between the healthy endeavour of fitting in, being socially appropriate, and making healthy parameters around myself and my family...and being whom I naturally am at my core; an extremely giving, innocent, intense, deep and quirky person who craves time, depth and emotional connection.

 

A few years back I found a balance between these two aspects. But life is a journey of growth, mistakes and successes. This new season, I am re learning what I already knew. After my aunt died, there was a moment when I realized that, "There is one less person in the world who loved me for ME. Who thought my quirkiness was brilliant, who wanted to protect my innocence, who believed in my words, and wished the best for me. One less person who thought my temper was valuable and amusing and didn't take offence when I was "off," distant or moody. And one less person in the world who I felt the same for back." That hit me hard. 

Recently, one of my former best friends from High School was over. We see each other a few times a year and pick up where we left off for the most part. She will forever be another person who loves me for me in varying aspects. Religiously we are worlds apart on some issues and in sync on many but we have  had conflict. But when it comes to my quirks or fears, she has my back. And I have hers. We were talking about her grandparents passing away and she astounded me with saying the exact same phrase I said above. She softly remarked that there were now less people in the world who loved her for HER. Who didn't care if she was fat or skinny, rebellious or kind, successful or failing in any regard...they just loved HER. At that moment I, once again, realized why we are still friends. Our brains often formulate the same response to life. Our ethics are similar even if our beliefs are not. We wish for authenticity and connection, beauty, innocence, sweetness, and family ties. For the most part, we both see value in the same places. We laugh boisterously together and she shares memories with my daughter. That, is invaluable.

This had me thinking about all of the people in my life. It is tough to express, in the busyness of life, how much a person can mean. A single connection out of the blue can change our lives. One text conversation can alter our destiny. People are often conduits of growth. We often forget to thank them. Until one day we realize they are absent. They are either far away or out of this life. If they have passed onward without our expression of gratitude that is a moment that can never be given back.

Luckily, in the cases of my aunt and my mother in law (both of whom passed on in the last couple years) I have text feeds that I went out of my comfort zone to express my gratitude for their role in my life. Because I knew the end was coming. I was able to make a video for my MIL and show it to her in one of her awake moments, of the children and my husband, to a song, to thank her for everything she had done in our lives. With my aunt, we shared a couple vulnerable conversations. These conversations have slowly become an engrained part of my soul. They shape how I am with others. They shape my responses in mind and heart.

Strangers can also change our lives forever. Blog writers, books, music, film, actors, past friends, distant relatives, frenemies, close friends, besties, spouses, extended family, children, children's friends, neighbours...Each of these people may be in need of words of encouragement. Their beauty deserves to be celebrated. Kindness should be acknowledged. Care deserves gratitude. And often I bury my overwhelming gratitude because it is not considered "socially appropriate." Yet, the me before boundaries, regularly gave this without thought. When I was 26 years old, I found out that a gal in town despised me. I was so shocked because I didn't even know her. I knew OF her, but I had never had personal interactions with her. So, I began to watch for her downtown and nod with acknowledgement. When that didn't work, I dropped off a gift at her house through a mutual friend with a note apologizing for anything I may have done to offend and hoping an offering of goodwill would suffice. I didn't want another enemy. I wasn't trying to control how someone felt about me. I just wanted to give peace a chance, because that is who I am.

Of course it backfired. She thought I was weird. She told our mutual friend, "Who does that? Who leaves a gift to someone they don't know? What's her angle?" But I stuck to my guns because I knew I did my best. People will judge or perceive you how they view the world. It's not your job to change that. But it is your job to make sure you are acting within your own ethics. I wanted to try for peace. I wanted to acknowledge that she was a beautiful person in her own way, even if we would never be friends. And I knew we wouldn't be because of our personalities. But I wanted to show my acknowledgement of who she was. Do I regret that action? No. Because I know I went into it with thought out intentions and a pure heart. Did I cry later when I found out that I was labelled a freak even though I had to overcome some cowardice to do the action in the first place? Yes I did. It hurt to be so misunderstood. But I came to the conclusion that I understood myself, I knew why I did what I did, and there will be people who don't get it...and that's ok. I am still glad I did it. To me, it's not about the ending, or hopeful resolution (though both are nice bonuses if given), but trying my best, within whom I am, to acknowledge another's existence in peace and gratitude. 

Those situations happened too many times to count in my past. I still give awkward gifts to my Dentist, my Hygienists and basically any professional that helps me. I don't do this to get anything, but instead to show my gratitude for their roles in my life. I sometimes get weird looks. But most of the time, I get astounded shock followed by, "This is exactly what I needed today." My dental receptionist, whom I barely know but has always been so kind to me on the phone, remarked after a gift, "My niece died this week and your gift was the one unexpected bright spot in my week. Thank you. It had me teary in a good way which was a welcome relief."

We don't always get the privilege of knowing how our words of beauty affect others. Sometimes we do not need to know. But we need to give. Gratitude doesn't just serve the one receiving, but also the one giving. When we acknowledge the crucial words, role or love someone has given us with thankfulness, we also see our own growth, our paths, and the love infused around us.

The lack of these words in our lives is a loss. Some of it comes down to laziness. To combat this, I actively try to write a few words of kindness, acknowledgement or beauty back to someone in text, on Instagram posts, or in email as soon as I read. For instance, if someone writes something vulnerable, I hope to validate their bravery. By writing a few words I am essentially saying, "I see you." That matters. Kind comments matter. Every comment I have received on and off my blog, about how my words helped someone, are now part of the fabric of my being. Some are from strangers I will never see or know, yet they are interestingly a part of me. While others are faces I cherish, belong to, and get to love in a tangible way. Both are of value.

As I have practiced boundaries, I have given less in this way. I used to give gifts, send letters, emails and cards all the time. It wasn't bad of me to stop. In fact, I needed to give myself a new phase with practice emphasized on only giving to myself and a few key people. Yet, at the same time, I have missed that girl a bit. The brave one who constantly stepped out of her comfort zone because she saw beauty and wanted to value it by acknowledging it. A girl who cried in her closet when people found her terrifying or weird, but still stuck to her ways of being in the world anyway ,because she knew it was HER beauty and goodness. A girl who was used to people running from her open arms because they didn't know what to do with her love, but she loved anyway. Maybe it was too intense at times. Maybe "socially inappropriate" too, but it was HER truth. 

The quote above was a phrase similar to what my husband used to say to me when I would cry after these experiences. Sometimes he would sway me from sending an email, not because he didn't believe in my words, but because he knew the receiver would be less than perspective taking or kind. He wanted to spare me more grief. But other times, he knew the grief would come but knew I had to honour who I was. He would wait to pick up the pieces and tuck them back into my soul to be used again. What a lovely expression of love. He would tell me that I was one of the only genuine souls he knew. That my Aspie self gave an alien sort of balance to humanity. He encouraged me not to lose this muchness.

On the flip side, I had to learn how to do this in a less scary way...for the most part. People are scared by genuine care because often it is used to mask sinister behaviour. I had to learn to accept this fact. To work around it. Or to sometimes act in spite of it. But over time I became too socially appropriate. I am often more appropriate in conduct, words and deeds than my "normal" friends. I have become that obedient trained puppy, in some regards. While my behaviour now often gets rewarded from the masses, I have lost some of that joy. That unshakable trust and love given has diminished a bit. And I want it back.

I will not be the same person I was years ago. I have learned too much. But it's time to re adjust my own balance. To value those who genuinely care for me and to just be ME when I give back, regardless of what is thought of me. My biggest gift to those I love is often my words in writing. I need to honour that. Be it in a card, text, email, post, comment ect. I have held back for almost a decade. I learned some good lessons. Many of which I will implement and take with me. As an INFJ boundaries will ALWAYS be needed, necessary and hard to balance. But as an Autistic person, it is important for me to also BE whom I am, which IS socially inappropriate. The few who have seen my genuine soul in this regard, like me even more for this part of me. They may laugh sometimes or get a kick of amusement out of my social blunders, but they find it refreshing too. I need BOTH. I AM both.

If you are an INFJ whom has never practiced boundaries, you may need to go the other way. I have spent a better half of a decade in that zone and I don't regret it at all. But now it is time for a new phase. I am unsure how it will look. I will make mistakes. It will be interesting to incorporate the new boundary filled me while unlocking the hidden intense parts of my soul I buried deep in most situations because I wanted to make other people comfortable. There are different situations for the different sides of persona. My children have taught me that we are most worthy of love, being whom we are. Boundaries are accepting that those who can not see that, can walk away. Being genuine requires us to still be that person that we are regardless.

It is such a gift to have someone see you. In words or deeds. As I am writing this numerous faces are flashing through my head. Elementary and High school friends, relatives, far away friends, Internet friends, called to question participants, professionals, frenemies (people who I may not be fond of or they may not be fond of me but we also played a role in each other's decisions by doing so), therapists, neighbours, parents of friends, children of friends... beautiful, unique souls that are all a part of me...and I am intensely grateful. In this circumstance I refuse to tone down my intensity. I am overwhelmed with teary happiness that I have witnessed aspects of these people's lives and they have witnessed mine.

To all of them, and to you, the stranger reading this blog, I acknowledge you. I wish I could have a deep conversation with you. Be it once and short but valuable or an ongoing friendship. I wish I could express my thankfulness to the unique place you have in my fabric of existence. With some, we have had these conversations and will again. With others, the future is waiting in bravery, and some will unfortunately never have an expression other than this.

With Deep, Intense, Genuine Thankfulness for your place in this world and my place in your world;

Song Choice: I'll be there- Jackson 5

"Where there is love, I'll be there. I'll reach out my hand to you. I'll have faith in all you do. Just call my name, and I'll be there. I'll be there to comfort you, build my world of dreams around you, I'm so glad that I found you. I will be there with a love that's strong. I will be your strength. I will keep holding on..."

If Tomorrow Never Comes- Garth Brooks: "So tell that someone that you love, Just what you're thinking of, If tomorrow never comes. Cuz I've had loved ones in my life, who never knew how much I loved them. Now I live with the regret that my true feelings for them never were revealed. So I made a promise to myself, to say each day how much they mean to me, and avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance, to tell them how I feel..."


Glee- You have more friends than you know "Those who love you the most may need more time to grow..."

"N" and "S" types in Familial Relationships. Personality (intuitive versus sensing) Affects Family Function and Friendships. Being SEEN.

*NOTE: As I have mentioned before in posts, personality is ONE aspect of being human and your individual make up. Environment, upbringing, birth, health, trauma, life experience, mental or cognitive differences, genetics, beliefs, gender preferences, country of origin....there are so many aspects that make up YOU. However, I firmly believe finding your accurate personality helps you understand more of yourself and how you work. Take a free test HERE: http://www.16personalities.com - or sign up with an email and take test here http://www.personalityhacker.com/genius-personality-test/ (this site has amazing insight, podcasts and videos.) The key is to answer as you ARE and not as you would want to be like. Meyers Briggs/ Keirsey is what the 16 personalities is based on and has research behind it for a reason. It is more of a descriptor of what you value and how you work out of the world in regards to communication and relationships. I am speaking with authority about INFJ because I am one. However, I make sure I am also reading up on all of the other types and I listen to every single Personality Hacker. Understanding more than just your type is key but writing about YOUR type can help the world. I encourage you, if you are not an INFJ, to write about your type and feel free to link it in the comments, as we need more personal stories on other types out there:) *

Our family was watching the TV series,"The Middle" together. We can relate a lot...especially the first few seasons. Our two boys are a mix of Brick and our daughter can relate A LOT to Sue. The episode was about a quirky Aspergian/ Dyspraxic child named Brick who wished to have a birthday he enjoyed instead of the "typical" party. So his mom threw him a party for the whole class where each child was required to read quietly at the table, eat politely, and whisper 'Happy Birthday' at the library, then proceed to take a picture with the librarian. All the children groaned and thought the party was a dud. My children and I thought the party was EPIC and ideal. Finally, a few children (even if it was on TV) would understand how we felt sitting through their loud, overly scheduled, obnoxious, boring parties to us. When a child complained to Brick's mom about the party, she replied that Brick has sat through years worth of all their parties so they can sit through ONE that suits him. A perfect example of how many introverted or intuitive types feel at birthdays and big events ect.

Events, family or otherwise, seem to be a big part of what is considered socially appropriate behaviour and healthy habits in our culture. It's ironic that we expect family to show up for big celebrations when our personal relationships with them are broken. Or even when their personality preference may do best in other circumstances. Why, if both parties involved, have not picked up the phone for years to build a relationship would we expect to have a fun family get together? Why is that an expectation?

Looking at this chart you can see why this happens. (The red is women, blue men and grey the general average.) Much of the world is comprised of 'S' types. Sensing types value big functions, hierarchies (in general- not all of them do), establishments and "traditional" family methods. 'S' types are amazing people who help run our culture and our institutions. They have their upsides and their downsides like any other type of person, but they are in the majority and a lot of their ways became the "norm." 'S' types are capable of carrying on idyll chit chat and valuing it as building a relationship. A few birthday wishes make them feel very special. While most Intuitive or 'N' types not only forget birthdays often (most of those in the Idealist category anyway) but often will see the rigidity of certain traditions as pointless or boring. Generally depth being built upon and acceptance of quirks, imagination and big ideas are valued stronger than building sensory memories. Often a big event will not be viewed as quality time. Perhaps 'N' types will look at the chit chat or get togethers a few times a year as neutral or necessary but if their relationships with the people involved are not of deeper substance, it is more of a function to endure. Why do we focus on collective family function when instead we should first focus on individual familial relationships? If we do not have some basic respect, trust, and love built, why do we expect everyone to get together to have a good time?

Those that do not show up are considered the family rebels. The family just waits and prays from them to shape up to the familial standards. If it's past a certain amount of time they give up altogether and write them off as selfish. Preceding the write off are years of mini lectures, phone calls anytime a "wrong" decision is being considered, and brief civil dinners where the individual isn't even appreciated or allowed to be whom they are. Is it love to ignore whom a person is? Is it love to write off most of what a person does as "wrong" or to judge most of their process as something to change? Why do we expect people to relish these activities?

Most families have forms of dysfunction. There are normal subjects in each family that should be off limits. There are topics that are too explosive and should be saved for friendships. A general definition of a healthy family would be one that has all six ingredients of love and practises them to each other on a more regular basis. Thus, when the big events happen, everyone feels valued for whom they are and respected. Where each person feels comfortable enough to partake or leave when needed or be able to have some level of enjoyment. Then of course a big event is to be appreciated and looked forward to.

Years ago we slowly had to distance ourselves from certain events. For years we brought up how we felt disrespected, unheard or tried to foster understanding. Other than one beautiful person, and a couple healthy discussions, most of our pleas fell on deaf ears. Or it would be validated in a conversation but the key behaviours would continue again the next time. We were finally advised to focus on the individual relationships that could be salvaged or were willing to also work to understand, and leave the rest to their own lives. Family is what you make it. It's awesome if family can be blood ties but a lot of the time, the best family we have are the families we cultivate with respect and love.

 "Love is a combination of six ingredients: care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust. I found that a lot of people just felt really confused about what love is, so I said, here, take these six ingredients and as you go about your life, you can ask: the action I'm taking, does it have these six ingredients? One point that I would emphasize to people is that it's the combination of the six ingredients that make love, because so many of us have one of the ingredients in our life – like we may be deeply cared for, but we may not be in a situation of trust. To me what's great about these definitions is that they're just very helpful for people in daily life trying to engage in a practice of love."- Bell Hooks (Note: As with any cited reference in this blog, just because I use an excellent quote from a speaker, does not mean I believe or subscribe to their total philosophy. In this case, the six ingredients of love is a solid example to recognize healthy relationships.)

Sometimes the minority just has to decide to stay home or do their own thing. There is no other way around it. The majority honestly do believe they want the others there in theory, but each time those others show up, there is controversy, disrespect and at least one person goes home hurt due to differences that are not held by the majority. What is the point? Why do we keep doing this? If the people in the minority aspect of the family for whatever reason (differences in spirituality, sexuality, disability, physicality ect.) decide they can be supported and happy away from the family, and the family has a general better time without them, why can't we let this happen? Why force something that isn't there? If it really seems to be an issue, then perhaps focusing on the individual relationship between the people focusing on the six ingredients of love cited above, would be a better use of time? If one seriously wants the family there that don't usually show up- it means change. It requires growth. It will take TIME. Are both parties willing to give that time? Are we going to view it as healthy and normal if both parties do not want to invest that time? Because it is ok. Life demands much. Some relationships are there to teach, sharpen or challenge, and some are meant to be left behind while some will ebb and flow depending on the ages and stages.

Another aspect of 'N's are that they are mostly unwilling to give their time to something that will not have a deep payoff...relational or otherwise. We want to know our investments of money, people, or love will at least be appreciated, helped or find depth. In relationships, we want more than talks about the weather. We want to be able to discourse about at least a few subjects deeply without having them all off limits. We want to swim in the deep end on a fairly regular basis. We want to skip the niceties that feel like a general waste of time and get down to the stuff that isn't often discussed. We want to speculate, use imagination and speak of possibilities. We want to hear philosophy or scientific theories. A shallow example would be that we would want a deeper explanation of how a person felt when the wind whipped their hair and the sun burnt their shoulders (INFP) and triggered a deep thought or existential question (many rationalists.) We don't want to just hear that it's windy and hot outside.

My husband, children and I are all "N" types. We have a lot of 'S' types in our life, because that is the majority of the world (estimated about 76% of the world.) Some are close friends who appreciate our differences deeply and we appreciate their steady differences. We need each other. We don't want our 'S' counterparts to change but we do want them to be open to understanding and reading up on us- like we understand and read up on them. It is often said that Intuitive types have had to literally be bilingual in both sensory and intuitive language because the world requires it. Yet, unless a Sensor has grown up in a household of Intuitives, they have no need to learn the intuitive language. Until one day they realize they are married to one or that person in the family they simply could never get was an Intuitive and then it is crucial if they want healthy ties to learn the Intuitive communication values. Which is why I am directing this more at Sensors.

As a family, we have listened to every personality type podcast on both sides of our entire extended family. Why? Especially when we don't even converse with some? Because we do not want to harbour any bitterness. Bitterness is easier to overcome when we can understand and at least respect the place where someone is coming from in their mind. Even if we do not want to engage or are not at a stage where we can, it is healthy for us to at least get over ourselves, listen to their mind wiring, and understand that many aspects we thought were personal were just a part of cognitive wiring.

Unfortunately, most 'S' types do not like to delve into personality on their own. Often if I hear the statement, "Oh I don't believe in personality tests. Just get to know me..." That statement usually shows that the person is an "S" type. Not all "S" types do this, but there are certain ones that are often inclined to give these statements. Naturally it is because their main values are stemming from a place of what they can see with their own eyes. Personality does not fall within the five senses as such. While they understand abstract concepts, because of cognitive wiring, many would prefer to keep the abstract on the back burner to practical concrete topics. 'N' types are generally the opposite so while they can honour concrete aspects of being they would much rather live in the abstract regularly.

Generally, we smile at a statement of opposition regarding personalities and proceed to type the person based on a few educated guesses. Are they Extroverted or Introverted according to Meyers Briggs definitions (E or I- do they get a positive or negative hit of energy with socializing)? Concrete/Sensing (do they pay attention to their five senses?) or Abstract/ Intuitive (do they pay more attention to possibilities and patterns? S or N)? Are they inclined to value a thinking standpoint when making a decision based on principles and impersonal facts or a feeling all points of view standpoint (T or F)?  Spontaneous/ flexible lifestyle or scheduled/ structured lifestyle (P or J?) Suddenly, we have a basic sketch of their personality...obviously it is more nuanced than that but because our family is so immersed in personality studies we are pretty good at our guesses. Most times if we get to test the people out, they score exactly what we thought they would. But we can also be wrong- thus it is important to keep an open, flexible perspective on anything we come up with. Because if we want to get to know them, we want it to be of substance. Personality gets us down to the heart of the matter and to how they operate out of the world. Understanding what they value in their world view, helps us to have a field to play on, with clear lines on what they value and what we value, and how to play the game around those factors. Thus, if we both come from those understandings it is slightly easier to garner quicker trust, respect and genuine care. The six ingredients of love follow more naturally from something that is considered by them maybe sometimes to be unnatural.

No type is better than the other. I am giving this information because often (most) 'S' types do not give much consideration to these things unless an 'N' type, work or school bring personality studies up. It is not their natural inclination to search it out of curiosity or a desire to find out the cognitive functions of personhood, which is fine, but when in the majority, this can cause some issues. Because of the odds, it is important that 'N' types are discussed or give their opinions.

Unfortunately, for 'S' types on the net, it tends to go the opposite way online in certain forums. I actually feel bad for 'S' types that are searching out personality blogs based on type. It's hard to find. INFJ and INTJ and ENFP tend to make up the largest forums online. Perhaps it is because they felt the most marginalized as a minority? The copious amounts of INFJ information alone astounds me. But I also understand it is needed because in 'real life' we were the minority. Finding your tribe can be a beautiful leaping point to acceptance and awareness. In full confession, I can not read the comments on many personality sites or the content on forums, because they can be...well, not very nice. That is not where I need to spend my energy. If you are an 'S' type seeking more, choose one of the "official" personality sites like Meyers Briggs, Personality Hacker, Kiersey, 16 personalities, Michael Pierce ect. Each one has nuanced material on the 16 types. A word of advice? Avoid the comments until you have a foundation of self.

I also find that many 'N' types use Instagram differently than 'S' types. The Intuitives tend to have questions or abstract thoughts or pictures to prod larger discussions while the sensing types gather for memory, achievement or otherwise. Both like to document of course, but the drivers for why are different. In writing, Intuitives can come across as often matter of fact yet more abstract (most rationalists) or a mix of factual with abstract concepts like Philosophy, poetry or whatever is in their interest abstract form (typically idealists.) S types will often write sensory aspects of everyday or engage with their material imaginatively but applicable to concrete ways of being. There are exceptions to every type, nuances and many other factors that make up a person. These are just generalities. So it is very unlikely for an 'S' family member to naturally read my blog unless it is to dig for information, misunderstand my intents out of curiosity, or (on the positive side) because we have already established healthy interactions or share other similar interests.

Years ago we had our children take this test (click) and this test (click). To double check we also read their descriptions to them and made sure they agreed with their results. I take issue with these tests in general if they are not overseen by someone immersed in personality studies. Because often people will score wrong results based on HOW they see themselves or how their culture expects them to be and not on who they actually are. Generally, it takes an objective party who knows them to help them with their answers. Basically, you know if you have an accurate type if you read most of it and say, "Oh my goodness! How did they KNOW that about me? How did they crawl into my brain?"

I am an INFJ, my husband is an ENFP, and our children are ENFJ, INTJ, and ENFP. We have two extroverts who operate more like introverts. We have one primary thinker among a bunch of primary feelers...and two perceivers amongst a majority of those who value structure a tad bit more. Our cores have stayed the same over the years even though we have all mellowed in some of our stronger aspects to accommodate each other. We listen to podcasts over at Personality Hacker (click) on hour long trips. We discuss how each person feels about the accuracy of their personality result. We make sure to validate a person and if there is conflict, we first go to our main cognitive functions, driver's seats and 3 year old process to see how we can resolve while respecting the essence, strengths and weaknesses of each person involved. We know a lot about each other because of this. We can often tell when we are out, what we will discuss about something once we are home (and comfortable) as a family alone, by just a simple look. Basically we are in tune with each other BECAUSE of our deep dive into persona.

Of course, pre- personality we still understood aspects of each other, but the studies enhanced this and cut down on misunderstandings. We don't just chalk up behaviour to "sin" or "selfishness" nor do we chalk it up to "goodness" or "achievement." It's all based on WHO the person IS. On BEING. Personality studies enable us to see the person in front of us and bypass a lot of misunderstanding...or at least talk through it more constructively. Our hope is that our children's sibling relationships will carry this dignity, respect and honour of different brain function, outward preferences and inner ways into adulthood. We hope they remember aspects of these things so they can have somewhat healthy sibling relationships...maybe they will even still be the best friends they are today? Then again, maybe not, and if not, we hope they carry those aspects into their other friendships and find soul siblings to share them with.

I wish I could share this information appropriately with the relationships that long for healing in our lives but that do not understand the nuances, reasons and motivations behind many of the issues. I feel like understanding could foster the six ingredients of love. Perhaps our world would suffer less from mindless violence if we focused in on just a few people in our lives to give the six ingredients of love and if we would at least attempt to understand driving preferences, cognitive functions, perhaps we could change the course of history slowly with simple regard and general respect?

Here is a podcast titled Can Sensors Speak Intuitive Language (CLICK) it is worth a listen.

Have you studied personality? If so, did you find that your *accurate* personality type opened up a world of possibilities for you? Did you start to understand others more? Did the "box" of personality so many allude to actually become an open field of respect and understanding? Did it enable you to go beyond whom a person seems and into who they are by first having a structured view? Or did it make it worse? (If it DID make it worse could it possibly be due to inaccurate results?)

Sure, it's only one aspect of BEING but it is still important to consider. With personality, as a foundation, we can understand and judge less. Because we see that "One man's home is another man's journey...for one man's truth is another man's lie. It's just the way it goes and I couldn't say why. One man's cure is another man's poison."- Passenger Lyrics. It is brave to understand others and ourselves. To open, in compassion to be WHOM we are and allow others to do the same.

Another post I wrote on Families with the analogy of climates differing is found here:

http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2013/06/the-climate-change-in-differing.html

And another post about Boundaries and how walking away from extended family can be beneficial and brave found here:

http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2016/04/healthy-relationship-indicators-walking.html

For the Sensors: http://www.erikthor.com/2018/01/17/ever-thought-youre-actually-just-smart-sensor/

A post about INFJ Boundaries:

INFJ- If I cut you Off- Chances are I handed you the Scissors.

http://www.personalityhacker.com/when-you-almost-know-your-personality-type/
http://www.personalityhacker.com/podcast-episode-0149-how-to-get-better-at-personality-typing/

16 personalities: https://www.16personalities.com

Kiersey: http://www.keirsey.com

I also LOVED this site and found every word accurate for my type but this site has others too!: http://personalityjunkie.com/the-infj/

My quote board dedicated to my type: https://www.pinterest.com/KAlluraMarie/infj-personality-infps-intj-quotes/

 Personality hacker has podcasts and videos on each type. Here is a few of my INFJ links but you can click search for your personality initials:

http://www.personalityhacker.com/resources-infj/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88atj7wAtKs

http://www.personalityhacker.com/podcast-episode-0034-infj-personality-type-advice/

http://www.personalityhacker.com/phq-questions-entj-vs-intj/

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How to Support Families of Patients in ICU/Hospice/ Death or Trauma. A Practical Guide to Care for Intensive Care Unit Patients and Families.

*This post can also be transferred over to helping support people grieving in death or in a trauma situation too.*

CONTEXT:
My Husband's mom is on life support, has had blood transfusions and been through what I would deem hell on earth enduring horrid procedures and invasive treatments. Just two weeks ago she was feeling sickly but one of the most vibrant people we knew. To see the dramatic change was especially shocking for my husband. It's not easy to see the people we love hooked up to machines and fighting for their lives, however, I find it easier than seeing them conscious struggling to deal with pain. Being in the ICU has had me thinking about how people can help support families of ICU patients. This post also applies to Hospice situations. The following list has ways of support, numbered in order of importance, if you are wondering how to help or aid people in these circumstances:

HOW TO AID FAMILIES AND LOVED ONES AFTER A DEATH OR DURING ICU:

1.) Financial.

For some, the thought of giving money may feel heartless or cold because most people want to be in on the emotional aspect of support. Some people do not love to throw cash at a situation and not see results. However, this is the BEST way to support families of loved ones in ICU. Unless there is a child under 18 in ICU, there are not free supports to help the spouse or loved ones stay the nights. Sometimes the medical staff will allow a chair to be pulled up to spend the night, but when the ICU care lingers on for weeks at a time, this isn't feasible. Hotels will give 20 percent off, if there is a signed form from the hospital, but even within that, it adds up fast after days upon days. Most people do not have the budget for constant hospital trips, hospital parking (which is INSANE), food, work days taken, and fuel to travel back and forth. (This also applies to Hospice.)

This is also a good idea during a death. Death is expensive for the family and it's the last thing they need to think about. In order for the spouse or close loved ones of the family to be a part of things, they need to know they have the finances to sustain the support. Our father in law is retired and savings are meant for living costs which makes this situation tougher. Each time we have gone up to the city hospital to ICU we try to pay for at least one of his meals and bring him anything he would request at our cost if possible. We know others are doing this too, which helps, but he could use more support. We have contacted his church and they will also help him if possible within the next few days.

Coming from our situation, as the son and daughter of the person in ICU, we have also not been able to go up as much as we would like due to finances. My husband has already taken three days of work to be a support and also for his own sanity as he wanted to see his mom every day. We have gone up consecutively three days in a row. My husband is very close to his mom and they both have a deep understanding of each other, especially in the last few years. Being the baby of the family, his mom is the closest one to him. For us, the money for the last three days of work lost, childcare, fuel, food and parking has already equalled a significant loss. It was worth it for us but we can not imagine how hard it must be for people who have to be there constantly. We are very grateful we have such a supportive work team and site manager for my husband. Understanding goes a long way.

When you are not worrying about money, it is easier to be nourished with food and rest, so that one can support to the best of their ability, the person in trauma. Whether it is gift cards to gas stations, food places ect, prepared meals within the diet of the person affected or nutritious baking and snacks to carry along, or cold hard cash...this is THE most helpful way to carry a family through ICU. If you know the spouse or closest member to the patient, give money to them. If you are closer to the children or secondary people to the patient in ICU better, give money to them because if each person does this accordingly, each person will be supported and able to be a better support to each other without the stress of meeting basic needs. This also applies to family of a deceased loved one.

DO NOT WORRY IF YOU CAN NOT DO THIS- SEE BOTTOM OF MY POST FOR MORE.

2.) Emotional care, prayers of support, and words of affirmation. 

People who are alone in ICU with no other family would put quality time ahead of this and need others to show up to be with them as second instead of third (which I will get to in a minute.) However, people who already have a lot of family showing up don't need the chaos of more people speaking into the situation. But they do appreciate words of support and care. ESPECIALLY if their nutrition, sleep needs, and care of their body is being met (see number one again.) THEN their soul care can commence. If number one is not being met, number two is very hard to process or absorb. But number two is important in the form of cards, quick texts of prayer/thinking support, words on Facebook the person can catch up on when time is available, and garnering encouragement from others for the person going through this is invaluable.

3.) Quality Time. 

Obviously this depends on personality as Introverts will only want one or two people keeping them company and spelling off shifts in ICU. Extroverts may want their whole family and even some friends present as much as possible. Someone in the middle may need a varying of both. My father in law falls in the middle though he can be more introverted, he also appreciates people around him. He needs down time but he also really enjoys a lot of support. Feel out the situation accordingly. Quality time is offering to bring the family food, taking turns sitting in ICU with the patient while the other gets rest, taking turns learning the details of the situation to pass on to well meaning acquaintances who need updates (because it is hard to absorb in the moment), and tag teaming the nurses and doctors for information and support. Depending on the person, hugs and a shoulder to cry on will also be valuable. A general rule of thumb is if they are a hugger and touch freely in most situations YOU initiate the touch, if they normally are NOT, let THEM initiate but be open to it or only slightly move in and allow them to make the rest of the movements. Only break this rule if you are a spouse, sister or especially close to the individual. If you are close, even those who are resistant to physical touch may appreciate this action without being asked but if they pull away, allow them their space.

4.) Acts of Delegation and Service:

Time starts to lose meaning in the hospital. Often the main people involved are consumed by their presence in the hospital and do not get to their homes for days. Checking their mail, taking out garbages or doing basic life upkeep at home doesn't happen. If you live near to the person offer to do one of these things regularly until time of recovery. Make it something you know you can do. If you are a trusted friend, the mail would be a great thing to do, and weekly bringing them the envelopes that look most pressing and putting any junk in a pile on the table for a later date or watering plants. If you are a neighbour or close living friend make sure their garbage from before has gone out. Other examples would be checking up on the home, doing laundry, taking care of the pet, having freezer meals, or offering to be a delegate for other responsibilities.

5.) Follow Up

A lot of people tend to rally together for the most dramatic part of the process when someone is admitted to ICU, impending death or death, or the life support moments. While this is fantastic, sometimes the hardest part is actually later. If there is a death, it is the grinding normality later, after the highs of emotion and drama, that need more support...and that is when everyone else has already forgotten or moved on. If there is recovery, people forget the trauma involved on the patient, that their mind will be forever altered, and that the experience changed everyone involved. Often it's the time AFTER a patient is home that they need support, that they want to see people and need meals brought to them. They are still weak, have been through so much pain, and don't really remember the people who were there during their darkest moment. To them, the darkest moments seem to be in normality. It takes months for an ICU patient or a loved one after death or the hospice experience, to get back on track. For instance, in our mother's case, there is only a three in ten chance of her surviving the first year due to re- occurrence in her certain situation. Obviously that is not something we are dealing with now nor have we informed her spouse of those odds. When speaking to the nurse and doing our own research this information was at hand. If she makes it through she has a long road ahead. She is a fighter but it helps to have support during the first year emotionally and physically to keep on fighting. Pain can become old hat to those not suffering it. For those in chronic illness it is easier to understand that pain is always fresh to the one experiencing it and it tends to require moments of respite and understanding. (Post Note: Our mother did pass away within the month of this post.)

If you are a loved one or acquaintance who wants to support families who are going through trauma, a death or ICU, I would advise for you to think clearly on what you are able to give and divide it in half.

Cutting your Ability to Support in Half. For During the Difficult and AFTER the Major Moments: 

Do half of what you can give in the high intensity moments, and give the other half once recovery or or funeral is over. This way the patient and family gets some support in BOTH circumstances. If you can not give money but have some extra baking, take it to the ones whom you know the most. If you have extra money give some to the person most affected and if you have a bit left over, give to the person you know best in the situation. If you can not possibly give anything physical, and are not near to the situation, send prayers and thoughts, or save yourself for a time you can be near the person involved to listen to their stories later when it is needed. If you are a far away friend that can afford to send the gift of music through a ITunes transfer card, coffee vouchers, department store gift cards for basic needs, or some sort of sensory treat- don't be hesitant to do this- beauty is important too.

Taking Care of Your Needs too and Personal Boundaries:
Every day life is hard. A lot of us can not be there for everyone all the time. All of us share the human experience of trauma or heartbreak at some point. It is ok if you can not speak into an other's situation because you have enough on your plate. You also need to take care of your needs. Sometimes we just can not think of one more person or meet one more need, even if we have the resources. Let go of that guilt. As an INFJ I tend to want to save the world. I have really stepped back from that the last few years and have created boundaries to make me more accessible to the people directly in my world. However, at times I will send my friends a care package or something tangible, but I can not do it as often as I used to. The one aspect I will always bring to the table is a counselling spirit or a listening ear. I try to use that gift well and maximize who I am, where I am in the world, and the immediate circle I affect and then work out from there.

What I am saying, is that the more you listen to your heart, in both giving and boundaries, the more you will meet the needs around you that are needing you the most. It is ok to let go of the ones you do not. Some people need to work on helping more and others less. Know thyself to help aid others.

May you find solace in support and in your self in the deepest darkest moment. May you have moments of lightness...a smile, a warm breeze, and nourishing food even when your heart is breaking. And I hope that you know, that in each circumstance you are giving by existing. Make use of that.

Song Choice: I felt the Fellowship theme from Lord of the Rings was appropriate as we are all on this journey. Forgive my geeky LOTR analogy, but each person on that journey to save middle earth, gave their own unique gifts to the situation. Without them as individuals we would not have had the whole. While Frodo was the main hero in the story he was supported by ever steady Sam, insightful advice giving Galadriel, wise Gandalf, humourous Pippin, warrior and kingly Strider, and a multitude of other players that helped keep the darkness at bay. The same can be said of each of our roles in the every present darkness of life. We can make a difference simply by knowing ourselves and what we bring to the table. Do not underestimate your story. Life is a drama and better than a movie. We can be part of the beauty as well as the pain.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CXGG3_prGA

This is a upbeat song choice so do not listen if you are not in that space...I just thought I would also add some hopeful happy to the post:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJYXItns2ik

Roots and Grandparents: Grandpa T: Tales of a Spanish Native Logger and Tender Fighter

*This is part one of three of my Roots series* As of 2018 my grandparents have been married 59 years.

Instead of barking, the wolf-dog next door sends her howling songs to the moon. Smooth, raw, and haunting, her long held breath causes a stir within me. Glancing out the window I see beauty across the frozen landscape. The moon looks brighter with the backdrop of her sound and the prairies seem less tame. If I step out my front door will I experience the primal part of nature? Feelings of the sacred past connect to the gifted present. The possibility of the primal and tame merge into a song of mournful calling. A calling for friends, for a mate, for someone or something to answer. The creature begs the earth to offer back.

Growing up I listened to the gravely, reverent voice of my Spanish/ Native grandfather discuss his hunts in the forest. Passion would seep in when he spoke about those who killed simply for the sake of the kill. Anger rose up as his chest heaved with displeasure. "Don't you ever rob the earth Missy of something you don't need. It's there for us to use but don't get greedy or make something suffer just to show your power." Excitement would take anger's place as he continued the dialogue of his hunt and the moment when he knew his gun was aimed to snuff out life instantly...ideally without any pain. His heart would break if he missed and had to put the suffering soul out of misery. Patience overtook his stealthily pace in the forest. He would wait, his breath mingling with the crisp air, for the right moment. He viewed the beauty of creation as a sacred treasure. Grandpa would never say that a bear is brother enough to live with the human. He would say a bear is a brother of creatures who needs a healthy respect, to eat when necessary and to admire. Grandpa did not forget his place. He cultivated respect and used creation as a vessel to worship, to gain wisdom, to teach patience, to show beauty, to experience raw mystery and simple wonder. He taught to take only what is needed. Nature taught him virtue or perhaps his virtue gave grace to nature?

Today, past eighty, I rarely hear my grandfather sneaking up behind me. His quiet, sure steps show his sacred approach to all living things. Mysteriously he is able to leave questions as questions instead of needing to possess a standard answer. With humour he moves through life. He loves to laugh and joke. His copper skin is crinkled with time yet he is still a very handsome man. The wrinkles mimic joy and hardship.  His ancestors travelled from Spain to Mexico, where his grandfather was the first Spanish Aboriginal to drive cattle from there to the the Cariboo Country in British Columbia Canada.

I am his firstborn grandchild. His "Missy." The one he can’t quite figure out because of my non-conformity of gender roles and the way I seem to be a mosaic of paradoxical cultural norms. Once I was looking for homemade snacks and asked my grandpa, "Do you have any more of grandma's bread?" He answered, "I don't know missy, the kitchen is her area. I have nothing to do with that. She loves it. That's women's work." He spoke with a gleam in his eye knowing I will give some spitfire reaction back so he added, "That's why I married a women to do all that." I took the bait and retorted, "And that is why I married my husband.” He laughed uproariously,"Missy that's not the way." I replied to his sanction with, "Who says grandpa? You can only make toast...well that is about my level of cooking. We are both lucky to have spouses who do not mind taking over the rest. Why does it matter if it is men or women? Unfortunately, my husband may not have has much time as grandma does but we get by...” I added in a teasing tone, "with grandma's food." He laughed again and walked away with a smile. Grandpa indulges and even allows his humour and his family to come before his cultural norms. 

Grandpa’s heart is his home, and his home revolves around family and his ancestry. He chose to live off the reserve (the second youngest of 13 kids) when he faced prejudice and despair. Later, forgoing his love affair with the mountains, he chose to live near his grandkids. My history lessons involved the minority’s experience of hardship, prejudice and injustice. His family has been taken by violence and tragedy. I know the tale of the Aboriginal yet I have not had to experience it firsthand. I may not have lived on a reserve or experienced the prejudice at extreme levels but I can sense this enforcement down deep in my roots. His Canadian culture is only three generations old, but the Spanish/Aboriginal culture goes back many generations. I spent hours as a babe listening to his native songs. Songs without words, similar to the wolf dog's haunting melody but carrying the beauty of the human spirit. Up and down the vocal chords he would go as he consistently patted my back. The drum of time past and time present rose with each fall of my breath.

As the years went by I would sit at his feet as he strummed his guitar. His jet black hair reminded me of Elvis. His favourite songs catered to the mournful. George Jones' 'A picture of me without you', 'You'll never grow old to me', 'He stopped Loving her today' or Conway Twitty's ' Hello Darlin' or anything Johnny Cash are his favourites. I was astounded at how close his voice mimicked Johnny Cash. I  can't hear any of those songs without hearing my grandpa's voice and picturing his work roughened hands strumming his guitar strings. I loved to sit at his feet and listen to the soothing sounds and stories within the songs...mostly sad ones. He was a logger for most of his life, hauling trees on backroads to battle the poverty he grew up in with his thirteen siblings. Some of my favourite tales were of the drunken brawls he had before he found his form of faith or when he rode the broncs bareback or jumped off the high bridges into  mountain rivers. The saddest tales were of him going without food, watching his siblings die, loosing homes fought for with blood and sweat or running into prejudice, one of which unjustly landed him in prison, the place which gave him his controversial arm tattoo that I have stared at since I was a child. It is a boxom naked woman with a tail...and he never covered it up in each church he attended...and people seemed to be ok with him because he was just that charming. Grandpa was a fighter but he was also full of tenderness and heart.

Friends of mine would call him Grandpa T or Mr. T as a spin off from the A Team. His burly build  and gravely voice fit the description. He seems to attract friends from every walk of life. Grandpa has a way of talking to the considered outcasts of society in a way that makes them feel valued. He imparts dignity. In humble ways he jokes and makes others feel at ease.  He often takes the phrase "judge not" and actually lives it.  And he walks his line... A line dedicated to grandma for over 56 years.  When my husband came into my life at the early age of seventeen grandpa wasn't sure about the guy whom he thought looked like a gang member. So he spent many hours chatting with the man sporting baggy pants and a toque. They were an odd pair at first, but as time went by they looked similar. I realized with stunning clarity that I picked a man who held many of Grandpa's qualities. Their build was similar, the strength in their voice, their booming laugh and excellent sense of humour. He calls my love his "favourite grandson in law" as he makes a humming noise in the back of his throat and pats my hubby on the back smiling. Grandpa understood that sometimes the soul needed to marry young. Grandma married him at fifteen. On her last birthday my grandpa phoned me and asked how he can phone in to a local country station. I helped him figure it out so he could dedicate "I want to stroll over heaven with you" by Alan Jackson for my grandmother's birthday. 

This is the legacy that they each pass on. This is the legacy I want to leave.

I lived a few years of my childhood in the mountains and half of my life growing up I spent at each of my grandparents' houses for the summers in the Cariboo Mountains. Grandpa would take me into the forest and give me instructions on bear safety and the sounds of the forest- most of which I have unfortunately forgotten but some rules stuck. As we trudged up the path, me weary and him bursting with energy, he would stop and point out waterfalls and flowers.  The man who would kill to eat, stepped aside to not crush a flower. "Missy, a good person won't leave an imprint in the forest they travel, unless it's to mark their path." He would break twigs off to show me how to know where I have been while looking forward to where I should go. My favourite part was when we'd see the orange/ red peeking out from the grass. Indian Paintbrush. They symbolized Grandpa T to me. I'd rush over and exclaim, "Grandpa, I found Indian Paintbrush!" He would crouch down and touch the pretty flower weed. "This is fire just like your ancestors. They understood that each living thing is a gift of creation. Each living thing possess the breath god breathed to create."  Occasionally he would allow me to pick one and take it home. Grandma would put it in a pretty vase and serve me cookies as I stared at the fiery passion of nature, grateful for my roots.

Roots shape us or perhaps in spite of our roots we become. I am lucky that each of my three grandparents taught beauty and thoughtful process. Grandpa T inspired me to consider the riches that whisper while tiling the earth and the vivid colours in the sounds of the wind. He also taught compassion and non judgement and had a particular way of charming hardened hearts and befriending troubled souls. Grandpa T simply taught his heritage, his stories, his wisdom, and by sharing, he gave me these gifts. I hope to teach in my own ways while passing on pieces of his. 

Song Choices ( I LOVE these songs): A Picture of me without you- George Jones, I walk the Line- Johnny Cash, He stopped loving her today- George Jones, Hello Darling- Conway Twitty, You'll never grow old to me- George Jones

LEGAL NAME CHANGE: Why Our Family of Five Changed our Surname/ Last/ Married Name after 14 years of Marriage

"At present our only true names are nicknames"~ Henry David Thoreau

I've been wanting to write this post for awhile. Our new surname was in the making for more than a decade, before timing, guts and money came together to enable us to follow through with our decision. Many people find that name changing is offensive or a direct insult to the families that bestowed names in the first place. For those who are traditional or in the mindset that names are the direct link between people, a legal name change is a very odd concept to wrap the brain around. "A name is a tool. You don't own just one tool and refuse to get others because of the one at home. 'I can't get a wrench because my parents gave me a perfectly good screwdriver already! It's a family screwdriver, we all share the same one, generations all of us. I plan to give it to my son.' You have as may tools as you need and sometimes you use a tool for only a brief period of a time." (pg. 36* Phoenix McFarland. See attribution below for all the following quotes in this post.)

"We change, we grow into new people many times over as we progress through life. We are no longer static and unchanging, we no longer "fit" the names given to us by someone else, which we have carried all our lives." (pg. 31) Part of the reason we changed our names is that we felt tied to an identity that wasn't ours. This is also why we chose a few middle names and tried to balance out the meaning personally for each individual.

Ingrained beliefs state that this is deliberately isolating familial roots by choosing this path. While we give thanks for our roots on each side, neither fully described our family. While roots are important, family is not necessarily stripped down to blood ties and it’s stronger than a name.  Family are those who support, accept and understand with love and engage in dialogues of respect. They are the people we grow and witness life with. This should not be strictly defined to a name or a country or a place or a gender or any isolated descriptor like a name. Nor be limited to the father's side of the family.

We are not traditional. When a woman gets married and changes her name no one mourns the loss or bemoans her as disrespectful or asks her why she would do that. But when a man changes his name it can often be looked at as a direct insult to the family, a rebellious decision, and something to be questioned. "Many societies clung to the patronymic system, even though naming through the mothers line is much more accurate, as maternity, unlike paternity, is never questionable. There is evidence that some cultures were matriarchal, but with the advent of the patriarchal warrior tribes, customs changed. With patriarchy came the notion of female virginity at marriage and a strict monogamy as a means of assuring paternity. It was under this patronymic system that a woman first began to take the name of her husband. This was one of the profound changes in cultural history that is well illustrated by the history of nomenclature. Within these subtle changes of nomenclature, history bears witness to the subjugation of women in Western culture." ( pg 10, 11)


Names carry cultural information and lead to assumptions. Names carry meaning and people live up to the meanings often in their names. We feel honoured and lucky to be living in a period of freedom to be able to change this factor of identity so easily. 

We love stories. We are passionate about our books, movies, and tales. To us, life evolves and changes. The naming process was a fun one. We had many last names in the running and the kids were involved heavily. From toddler hood on we did not reinforce their last name because we knew it would be changed. We also allowed our children to pick new middle names or keep the ones that we gave them. We guided but we allowed them to ultimately choose from a large list. We had a blast with this process. They are aware that they can choose an alternate surname, go back to the old one, or keep what we have chosen when they reach adulthood. We believe in that freedom.

For our surname we had a few options but we settled on something neutral for numerous reasons. The top reason was memory for ourselves and our children and friends. The name we chose was already part of our regular vocabulary. It also started out as a joke but then became a consideration. A testament to our approach to life: secret humour and irony. Our choice also happens to be a common name that is used. We felt it came with many mixed assumptions and it would be easier to fly under the radar in a sense. We often stand out in eccentricity so we deliberately decided to choose something ordinary and less hippyish (which can be our tendency.) Our choice can come across as patriarchal but anyone who knows us, will know that is a moot point and anyone who doesn't will not know we deliberately chose it ourselves.

Many people ask how our extended family took it. Obviously, there was going to be hurt feelings or feelings of rejection. This is part of the reason we waited a few years longer than we could have. We had an opportunity about five years ago but we realized if we wanted it to be optimal that we would have to wait longer. I found waiting to change our names a bit hard as it was already done in my mind for years before it was actually legal. In a way this was good because I keep forgetting it's a new idea to most people. It's not some profoundly heart thumping change for me. Timing is not always easy. We waited until we had more healing with my husband's parents. This may seem weird. Why heal and have more understanding and then put them in a place of questioning again? Because we wanted them to know that it wasn't a name change based on rebellion of them or of direct objection to them. We wanted to be in a place where we had more communication to explain. Because rebellion wasn't why we chose to do this. I understand how if patriarchy mindsets or certain beliefs feel like the core of a person most of our reasons WILL feel like outright rebellion. However, it's not in rebellion of who his parents are or how my husband loves them or how our family values their role in our lives.

My husbands parent's took it beautifully compared to what could have happened. My husband had a quiet, stable conversation with them and both parties were respectful and came out of the conversation with dignity in tact. He affirmed with the following phrase:
"If this was about separating myself completely from you and not wanting a relationship with you, I wouldn't be here explaining myself or trying to validate you. I don't care about wills or bloodlines. What I care about is the love that we have and that you know, no matter what, that I still see myself as your son. I need you to know that I value you regardless of what we choose to do, our beliefs, and how we live our life. I will make efforts to validate that verbally and I am thankful for both of you."

It will take some time and full understanding may never be achievable, however, the conversation built a new foundation that was important. In the end, we realized that we have to consider all parties involved and be kind in our delivery, but then make a decision based on what enables our family to live our best life.

Time tends to ease issues and we hope in a few years, once people have adjusted, that they actually realize life is a little easier on them without sharing our name too. In a community of strong belief, it was hard on them whenever my husband had his groups or ads in the paper for different events that may not have lined up with what they felt was appropriate. We have always felt a strong pull to those who need support and are often the outcasts or different …In the end, it may be easier for them  in the future to have a cleaner association with us.

Occasionally the question was asked why. Our standard truthful, surface level answer was/is,"We married young and have wanted to attempt this since a year after we realized we could, because we are untraditional together. Circumstances came together to enable us to do this." Everyone has nodded, smiled and adjusted accordingly. I was even surprised with a few very supportive comments from very traditional people. Which is always a pleasant irony. A cashier I barely know remarked, "Your hubby strikes me as the rogue of the family. He's the youngest right? I hope I marry a rogue...they are brave, know what they want, romantic and tend to be strong." I laughed. This is true and I found it funny that someone who only knows us by what we purchase said this phrase. It's probably not optimal to the rest of the family who has to deal with the rogue but for the one who married him, it IS delightful for the most part. I hope at least one of my children is a rogue in their own love stories even if it causes me pain. Choosing each other can be epic. Another older woman asked why we made this decision and once I replied she surprised me with, "I think more people should consider this. It can be healthy once people get used to the idea. It also shows separate independence and asks for respect." Thus far I have only had one person raise their eyebrows but have to yet to run into outright contempt.

I disliked the sound of my surname growing up so when I married, my husband's name was a step up, but it never fit well. When we found out a year later that a couple we knew made a completely new last name together we were annoyed that we didn't realize this was an option. We would have loved that. As time went on I only used my married last name when I absolutely had to. The name became a little tougher for me as issues in the family surfaced. In the beginning I wasn't well liked in general...now I understand why but being a teen and young twenty something it caused immense pain. Being disliked in acquaintance situations is fine enough but when we used to spend all holidays and family gatherings with them, the name tie was another bond to a group of people who had hurt and isolated me, as a group and individually, the most in my entire life experience and in years that required the most growth from me at a young age.*l I was also an enneagram four where my largest wound is in not belonging  - so of course it was - in hindsight- unfortunate misunderstanding. I was bullied by one person throughout teenage hood but otherwise had not experienced the level of deceptive unkindness and disregard for my human essence that I did in some circumstances. In their defence- I was also very difficult in the way I saw the world but did not yet understand. I did not know myself so could not explain that most of what was taken offence to was innocence on my part or just a very different brain stance. I was never out to hurt but I WAS different and odd.

Our differences in complete life approaches was also strong. Add sensory overload into the mix and a family of mostly extroverts to a fiercely introverted individual and it was just not optimal. When I was called by my surname, I cringed inside, because it was like being associated with some of the tougher times of my life. It was a reminder of everything I wasn't.

  When I changed my name on our phone account the service accountant said "Hold on Mrs...insert new last name" then he paused and waited for me to answer him and he laughed, "I was just seeing if you were used to your new name...must be pretty exciting eh?" I was giddy over that moment.

We had multiple reasons for changing our names. History of names, the love of meaning of names, our deep interest in nomenculture, our personal stories, the current cultural freedom to make this choice, marrying young, stating autonomy, our untraditional ways, unifying our bond, and our dislike of patriarchal traditions all contributed to this decision.

Our marriage has succeeded this far because of our unity, our unique ways of communicating, humour,  and respect but also because we present a strong front. The name change was another bond for us together. For our children it was an important lesson in family considerations, individual autonomy, cultural expectations, fun, bravery, and the frustrations that come with a process. They witnessed every conversation we had with people (we discussed everything with them.) We had to do finger printing three times because of mistakes that were made and we had to drive an hour out of our way for the electronic prints each time to another office. Each wait period after prints was a few months. Doing this three times was depressing. Some people would have given up as it took us nine months longer then was expected because of various mix ups. I had one person tell me it wasn't meant to be if we kept running into problems. I don't believe anything is not meant to be...only not wanted enough or if life happens and all avenues are exhausted, then sometimes it is good to give up. This wasn't that time. Our children learned that you don't give up on a difficult thing unless all options have been tried IF it means something to you. Even if no other person supported it, which wasn't the case, we still would have changed our name. We believed in it for us that much. My husband's story is his own and obviously has some differing factors. This is my story and I can honestly end it by saying this is in my top twelve best decisions of my life. It has been a game changer. While there are definite downsides, with anything in life there are negatives and positives, the benefits outweigh these. I was afraid of a name that didn't suit me being on my gravestone. I had nightmares of being remembered by a name that came with a lot of baggage in my personal journey and deep soul pain. As our journey progressed, I realized that I could make that name work for me, but since I could change it, I would, even if my husband decided a family name change wasn't for him. I was lucky that my husband also had that desire from an early period in our marriage because then we would have hyphenated which wasn't my favourite idea but would have been our compromise if both our mentalities were differing. However, that wasn't our story.

Names can be burdens or they can be magic. They give meanings to places and descriptors to the human experience. They are crucial for understanding yet breed false assumptions. Nomenclature is full of contradictions. My truest names are my nicknames bestowed by those who love me or myself. This blog name feels like a part of my identity. My husband will often fondly call me Kmarie. Some of my middle names are also part of this beauty. Just because some nicknames we go by are not legal does not make them any less real or legitimate. However, sometimes the step into a legal name change is important. If an individual feels that their name needs to be a truer reflection of who they are, it is important to honour that if possible. Authenticity is crucial to a sense of well being and stability. I have no regrets but I do wish our decisions could cause the least harm. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Yet, life must be lived with bravery and courage. This took great guts for us to do. I am proud of us. If you are considering a legal name change, weigh all the factors and consider an approach of kindness and timing, but in the end, do what can enables you to live your most authentic life with freedom and love. Dreams do come true but some times it takes pain, grit and a strong sense of self to make them a reality.

*All quotes taken from the book "The New book of Magical Names" by Phoenix McFarland. While this book is definitely different from where I stand on some issues or beliefs, the whole of it was beautiful and accompanied our family on our journey and choosing.

**I don't regret marrying young. In fact, last night my hubby turned to me and said, "In two years I will have surpassed the amount of time I didn't know you in my life and I will have known you more years than what I experienced without you. I have been looking forward to this date since we started going out. I remember wondering what we would be like. You have exceeded my dreams. I am so glad we married young despite its struggles." Heart thump. After I swooned I completely agreed.

~ For cost, the whole process in our province including new birth cards, fingerprints, marriage certificates, and drivers licences was less than 300 dollars for our entire family. Luckily, all births except mine were in the province we lived in, which was cheaper. Cost will vary from place to place.~