Getting to Know You- Enneagram Four Type / Forgiveness/ Beliefs/ Friendships/ Feelings and Richard Rohr's "The Enneagram; A Christian Perspective."

*Contextual Note: I believe personality attributes can be boxes to jump out of in growth and awareness. Like anything, they can be used as powerful tools or weapons. They can reach toward beauty or destruction. The danger I see especially in these models, is not being "put in a box", but being tested wrong, then taking 'truths' that do not resonate as TRUE or taking a sentence that may not be accurate (even if much of it is) and dissecting it or applying it when it actually is not relevant. That can be destructive. However, I have seen so much merit in people discovering themselves. 90 percent of the time, I have witnessed those who have engaged with their accurate personality (be it MBTI, the Big Five, Enneagram, Birth Charts etc) become much muchier, and be better counterparts to the natural world they engage in. I have watched marriages flourish when they engage with the material honestly and with a drive to BE. I have seen children feel understood. I have watched people who were living embittered overcome their personal obstacles slowly to live richer lives. So, as much as there are dangers or those who believe it is also pseudo science (if it enhances life- does that matter?), with a guide whom cares about inner wisdom and intuition, these modes of understanding are worth the risk.*

*I have written about Beatrice Chestnut's (LINK) and Christopher Huertz (LINK) take on Four Enneagrams HERE and HERE along with another mantra post I wrote years ago HERE. Because I am a FOUR I feel more comfortable writing about it but I am open to writing about all types if requested. This post is based on Richard Rohr and Andreas Ebert's book, "The Enneagram; A Christian Perspective " (LINK). I feel it's also important to point out that just because I talk about a book, or even agree with many aspects, does not mean I endorse all the content. There can be many points I gently set aside. This is a Christian book and there is especially one part describing Autism in the Type Five section that deeply misses the mark. (The character in 'Rainman' was a Savant and had traits of Neuroticism which can be co conditions but are not hallmarks of Autism within themselves.) That said, I still found large parts that applied to my Type FOUR which are worth digesting. I recommend the book, even though there are large parts on Saints or Biblical verses that may not be familiar to many people, because chapters that applied to my family were quite enlightening and mostly accurate. I feel this book can open doors for people of all religions and beliefs despite the believers content. Isn't that what we all should do for each other anyway? We can state our truths and enhance our friendships, with both challenge and freedom of choice, while still respecting the differences. I feel we can read books and recommend them without having to be 100 percent in agreement or even finding a lot to disagree with! In this post I am focusing on the few paragraphs (~) that especially resonated in my soul, but there is so much more in the FOUR chapter to read, and the book so I still recommend going to the source. * (Yes, I am leaning heavily into my FIVE wing for these two explanatory 'disclaimers':) 

When I read Beatrice Chestnut's lengthy chapter on Fours a couple years ago, I cried a lot due to many unflattering paragraphs and struggles that glared at me from the pages with their stark truths. I had to face myself. With Richard Rohr's book, I found more solace in the Four type. This could probably partially be explained by the fact that I did a lot of soul work after Chestnut's book to balance out my 5 and 6 wings and work on my struggle with FOUR envy.  Rohr's book is like the Moon's gentle glow on a concrete parking lot. Suddenly the concrete almost sparkles with the reflection of shared kindness.

~"Fours put their gifts to work to awaken a sense of beauty and harmony in their surroundings. They are highly sensitive and almost always artistically gifted; they can express their feelings in dance, music, painting, the theatre or literature. Everything with a vital energy attracts them and they grasp the moods and feelings of other people and the atmosphere of places and events with seismographic precision." (Pg. 98) ~

I feel lifted to euphoria when I am surrounded by the beauty in nature, my home or in a great song or book. I FEEL words as if they were chocolate melting on my tongue. I experience a gentle wind as whirls of invisible colours dancing inside my heart, ready to take flight. I catch a whiff of my beeswax candles as I walk by them in my house, and feel a jolt of joy and serenity. When I contemplate the art in my house, I can sense the energy of creativity from it's source uplift and renew me- to the point that I feel like my soul is floating outside of itself. I can feel the energy of another person and adjust mine accordingly to bring what is most often needed. I love vitality and the energy it induces because often I can also get lost in melancholy or lost in feeling that is undirected. I can also get lost in the glory of solitude or the onset of each season to the point that I forget I am human and am just part of it all. It's a feeling that can not be captured justifiably by the many descriptive words we have wonderfully created. 

~"The life of Fours is primarily shaped by longing; the longing for beauty and the wish that the world and life would fit together into a harmonic whole. Dostoyevsky once said, "The world will be saved by beauty." Fours believe in this principle." (Pg. 98) ~

Sometimes, Often, my longing for harmony and beauty is painful. I believe often in Dostoyevsky's words. How can we not heal from beauty? (When a FOUR says beauty- they mean the SOUL of everything including aesthetic beauty but not in the one size, perfect complexion of Hollywood. We mean nature, the essence of people, and the great works people create etc. )

~"Fours revere great authorities; important poets, musicians, gurus or counselors who have something "deep" about them or something "special." Only this sort of of "inner authority" counts. Formal authorities that aren't backed up by their personality make no impression on a FOUR...Their nose for the "authentic" is infallible." (Pg. 100) ~

For better or worse, this is my truth. I am not impressed by formal 'authority', institutions or inauthentic networking. I gravitate towards those who are authentic in their pursuits, their love and honour their inner depths.

~..."And they prefer to buy their clothes in a secondhand shop or a boutique.." (pg. 100) ~

I was surprised to find this statement, as I thought it was just because as an Autistic person, I prefer lived in, pre shrunk clothes. When I discovered Platos Closet, my budget and my happiness improved. I only buy clothes that are secondhand for the most part and find the originality and hunt for pieces, especially rewarding. I like clothes with a story I will never know.

~"Fours have a tendency to idealize the "unwashed masses" and can write great romantic novels about the 'noble poor' (Victor Hugo). But they do this form an ivory tower and in reality they can hardly endure living in real dirt and hardcore poverty." (Pg. 100) ~

My family laughed at the quote above and I cringed. I do deeply admire the "unwashed masses" so to speak and often write or do deeds for them. However, if I had to live in extreme poverty, I know I would probably be the first to give up or not withstand the hardships. While we are considered under the poverty line in Canada, we are still enriched beyond measure and I do admit that my home could be viewed by much of the world as an ivory tower. I can't do much about this fact in myself, except to know my limits and be aware that I have this tendency and to give when I can as much as I can, when appropriate. We need people who have more too because they can also give. I know many who have way more than I, whom I am so thankful for because they give to the world in a way I can not. I do not envy what they worked or made sacrifices for either, so at least there is that aspect I suppose.

~"Children, nature and everything that radiates originality awakens in them the longing for the simplicity and naturalness that they lost at some point." (Pg. 101) ~

You know those moments when a truth hits your soul so hard, you gasp with the realization that was only subconscious awareness moments before? The statement above felt like someone gently pushed me into a field of fragrant roses of knowing. That is why I love children and nature so much?!? YES! A resounding yes...how did I not know it was their originality that awakens my longing for simplicity?

~"Feelings are not expressed directly, but indirectly through symbols, rituals and dramatic styling. This is supposed to alleviate the pain of real grief and the fear of rejection." (Pg.102) ~

My home is a temple to this statement. I have symbols, rituals and dramatic styling squeezed into every open space. I need these to surround me to survive the grief and rejection that can often accompany me. Since I set up my hearth in this way, I am much more of a balanced person and can often be a strong comfort during grief and heal swifter from rejection I often feel. Before my house symbolized my inner soul, it was tougher for me, without the safe place and tangible reminders of my feelings outside of myself, to figure out a peace filled stance to meet the world with.

(Art by Lady Viktoria on Etsy) 

~"Fours sometimes live their lives like a Gesamtkunstwerk, a total work of art. Clothing, interior decoration, hobbies, circle of friends, and habits are adjusted to each other in a way that often seems accidental but in reality is carefully staged. Aesthetic points of view, which often can be appreciated only with difficulty, play the lead role here. One classic expression of the attitude is what is called 'Bohemia..." (Pg. 102) ~

Shhhhh...you learned my secret. In fact, I learned about it by reading this too, as this is mostly subconscious, but when I thought about it in depth, I realized, yea I carefully stage a lot in my home life etc. When watching 'Wanda Vision', when Wanda was controlling her world but not meaning to hurt anyone, my family would look at her gestures or the trauma covered by her bright smile and remark, "Scarlet Witch resembles you often." At first I was a little bothered but it was a fair statement. They went on to explain that it's actually quite flattering too, because of the amount of power she can use for good and influence, and the way she fiercely protects those she loves and some of her magical qualities. Then I was a bit more flattered. Funny enough, my former Bestie came over recently. We were chatting and she randomly said, "Ya know, our family is watching a show that often reminds me of you, mostly in a good way I think, but there was one part in the last episode that I had to sit back and whisper your name with a big wow. You may have heard of it? It's called Wanda Vision and the part I am talking about is when Agatha acknowledges Wanda's powers and calls her the 'Scarlet Witch.'" I laughed heartily, because my former bestie of 15 close years of friendship, despite two years apart, saw the same thing. ( SEE HERE for more on us.) So for her to see that too was obviously saying something....Also, yes I am quite Boho on occasion.

~ "The pitfall of FOURS is their melancholy, a 'sweet sadness' that lies over their whole lives like a fog. FOURS have to be depressed and suffer from time to time to be happy...the tragic romantics..." (Pg.103) ~

My eldest son laughed when I read that statement and said, "Woah mom, it's true, In order to feel happy you often need to first suffer or be depressed. You do remind me a lot of those Romantics we studied in history. I think you often put melancholy on a pedestal in comparison to happiness...like you almost think fluffy happiness without depth is shallow pursuit. I don't think you mean to be snobby about it but it can come off that way." Ha...and yikes...and true.

~"Since FOURS as a rule direct their aggressions against themselves , it often happens that they are disgusted by themselves and their bodies. Although, they are generally slender and attractive, they tend to find themselves too fat and too ugly. They keep trying new diet plans..." (Pg. 105) ~

That song 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' can aptly explain how the paragraph above hit me. I thought it was just me being me, but yes I have a huge disgust with myself on a daily basis. Please note that this does not apply to other people nor do I think that certain features or weights make OTHER people less or more attractive. I actually only have this attribute, as only a four can have, fully reserved FOR MYSELF. With that out of the way, I have gone on pretty much every diet plan that is out there at some point and I still struggle with my weight due to autoimmune conditions. I secretly believe I was given an aversion to medical practices and surgeries and throwing up for a reason. It is no secret that I loathe hospitals and have Emetophobia...but if I didn't- I know I would have been Bulimic, Anorexic and already had a few cosmetic procedures (which are sometimes necessary or done from a balanced place but mine would have been from broken ness and personal disgust with myself which is not a good place to begin.) I am often the most broken inside over this disgust that I regularly have to work on. My husband says I see myself from a warped perspective. 

I often take pictures of myself to try to see what others will see and celebrate the beauty that can be...but then I get upset that I can not live up to the pictures I like of myself (for instance I love the picture below but often I do not look like that! I like that it shows the many grays I constantly re dye - I actually love them but I crave playing with colour. ) But even living up to some of my past images, can plunge me into despair. I'm still learning to love my outside self. I can literally hide out in my room for days if I feel this loathing triggered by pants that are too tight or new frown lines. This is a deep wound I am constantly working on in my persona. I do it a little less than I used to with wisdom and maturity, but it still seems to be my personal thorn in my flesh. I mostly direct aggressions against myself. 

~ "Normal" quiet happiness, of the sort others- apparently- enjoy, seems to a FOUR at once attractive and repellent, for that could mean the end of the sweet wistfulness that FOURS need to feel 'themselves.' The inner richness of melancholy seems to be more attractive than what others carelessly call 'happiness." (Pg. 105) ~

Paradoxes. How can someone be both strongly attracted and strongly repelled by happiness? It's there, always pulling me two ways.

~ "Many FOURS vacillate between phases of exaggerated activity and others in which they are withdrawn and quasi paralyzed. This manic depressive structure can in some people who are highly introverted (stronger influence of the FIVE wing) turn into an altogether depressive structure. Fours whose more success- oriented, extroverted 3 wing is dominant are by contrast often hyperactive. These 2 subtypes of FOUR do not look very similar at first glance." (Pg 106) ~

I think this part is better explained by Beatrice Chestnut in her section on Enneagram wings. I think this happens because FOURS have the go getter THREE wing and the introspective, ever researching, FIVE wing. If one is tapped into more than the other, the statement above can be true. A couple years ago I was heavily into my FIVE wing, to the point I almost felt more of a FIVE. It was unhealthy for me and caused much stress and depression. When I recognized this in Chestnut's book I began to lean into mysticism as the tonic for my soul, and also to honour my THREE a bit more without swinging heavily into it. After much soul work, I re took the test two weeks ago, and my score said that my wings were perfectly balanced. I could feel that difference.

~"Many FOURS take their feelings very seriously and are deeply offended when they are hurt. Criticism of their artistic expressions can wound them in their innermost selves and drive them into retreat..." (Pg. 106) ~

Yes, my feelings are part of my intuitive BEING. Thus, if someone discounts them, I can be set off immediately. I do struggle, because of my self rejection, with additional criticism, especially in the area of my expression. Aspects of the show 'Glee' (certain songs or phrases) feel like an inner artistic expression of my soul, thus it is the one show I can not discuss reasonably with other people. I ask them not to tell me their assessment of it. Assess anything else, but don't tell me you hate it, especially if you never watched later seasons or know my personal context. Just let it be. 

I have retreated at times, from friends who refuse to ever read my blog or blatantly unsubscribe. (This is different if random people unsubscribe or those who are not really friend level...although I still have to go through my self rejection issues in those cases.) I don't mind if friends delete, ignore or do not check in much but if they are my friend, I DO care that they just accept the parts or expressions of me that ARE a part of me. They are allowed to disagree, discuss, challenge kindly or ignore, but to go out of their way to tell me they are not reading me? To me, that is cruelty in it's finest form, because it is an artistic expression of self. Yes, I work on this and try to answer back kindly and compassionately even if I feel anything but...yet, I will withdraw after...that is guaranteed.

~"The gift, or fruit of the spirit, of redeemed FOURS is balance. At twenty-five, FOURS have already lived through all emotional space and experiences from agony to ecstasy. They know all the nuances of feeling and understand the human soul better than anyone else. If they muster the discipline to bring their emotional life into balance, they can become impressive personalities." (Pg. 107) ~

My first blog was called Acquiring Balance. For some types, balance is a dirty word. In fact, for some people, striving for balance can make them unhealthy. But for a FOUR, it is redemption. It is true, that I knew I had experienced the full range of agony to ecstasy before I was 25 years old. I do believe I understand the human soul better than most. Yet, disciplining my emotions into balance, has been my main aspect of therapy for the last 16 years. My paternal Grandma recently remarked, "If you've been having therapy that many years maybe it's not working." I laughed and said, "Grandma, in some cases that is true, but in my case, being a paradox and Autistic person in a mostly non Autistic world, I need a listening ear for my sanity. I need to be able to speak conflicting truths in a safe place. I need to be able to work on myself with support."

~"Healthy FOURS are capable of a depth of feeling that most of us have no access to. If they can make this genuine emotionality fruitful, they can express in concentrated fashion their sense of the beautiful and the really painful, then the real works of art will be created." (Pg. 107) ~

Taylor Swift is a great example of a FOUR whom does this.

~ "Redeemed FOURS are better than most others at understanding the guiding people in psychic distress. They are not intimidated by the difficult, complicated, or dark feelings of others, since they themselves have lived through it all." (Pg. 108) ~

Recently, my nephew was watching Disney's Raya (spoiler ahead.) When the families were united at the end, a tear slipped down his face, and his five year old self asked sweetly, "Can we rewind the part when they see their families again?" When he re watched, he sighed and snuggled into his father's shoulder. 

I felt those moments at five too. I still feel them. Most children would not ask to rewind that part. I also feel that this shows the consequences of some of our protocols in society right now (due to Covid) and how FOURS can show on the outside, what serious consequences can be happening, unnoticed, on the inside, to many people who are in forced or chosen isolation. 

FOURS are not scared of difficult, complicated or dark feelings in themselves or other people. We have lived most of it, in either imagination or deep feeling. We do not judge the feelings but we do assess them and try to heal the world through that awareness. 

~"The invitation to redemption issued to FOURS is the call to originality. Fours find their naturalness on the way to union with God. Their striving for authenticity, their love for children and nature are early hints of this goal in life. If they can admit that they live "in God" and God "in them", their soul will come to the rest and balance they have long yearned for." (Pg. 111) ~ 

Originality is quite important to me. So is the concept of Deity, even though my integration of that in my spiritual life looks like an eclectic mix to most people, it has both standard and mystical observations and is both based in facts and the ineffable. There were a couple years in our twenties when my husband was more of a proclaimed Atheist. I respected it, but the farthest I got was Agnostic. For my sanity, I could just not fully discourse with the mystical. Now, my beliefs have become more solid for myself, but I do not like to proclaim them or put them in a structured box. Yet, I do admit, that my type needs to dwell in possibility. I believe Deity IS possibility. When I say 'love' or 'beauty' in conversation, I am not defining it by the world's definitions. I am defining it by a FOUR which is a deep feeling of SOUL and balance of BEING. It's GOD in a way I can not explain. I do not know how to explain it beyond this in words...I can only FEEL it.

~"Fours must find their energy without constantly slipping from one extreme into the other, without being up one minute and down the next. It must not always be euphoria or depression. Their 'objective observer' has the job of asking: "Isn't a little joy and a little sadness enough- at least now and then?" ~

In my twenties I was either euphoric or depressed. Now that I tend to have more balance, sometimes I will admit to missing those extremes. Life feels a bit less muchier sometimes. On the flip side, people like me more, but do I like myself as much? Yes and no. I believe a little joy and sadness, every now and then IS enough...however, I also think FOURS need to take a lesson from someone who worked so hard on that aspect that a little became "regular" and "ordinary." I am now working on allowing myself the extreme moments of depression and euphoria once again too, because it IS a part of me. I squelched it completely on my road to balance, which was needed at the time, but notice how the statement above says, "At least now and then"? That is the key...NOW and THEN. It's also ok to have the innate in- born persona. 

~..."For this reason social commitment and working for peace and justice do FOURS good. In this they have to deal with the dirt of the world, which cannot be aesthetically transfigured....they have to admit the rage they feel against the person in question, and they have to stop adulating him or her in the wake of that loss." (pg.111) ~

I tend to praise my friends and husband in my rage as my first response. I give them the benefit of the doubt immediately. On the heals of my anger, a swift perspectives process takes place, that leaves me defending their side and contexts in my head. While this is lovely to create harmony and forgiveness in quick process, there is a darker side. I can re visit my rage again and again and distance myself because I do not want to feel the rage when I have already reasoned out their perfectly understood stances. But, my feelings matter too, even if I DO understand. I actually have to stop my tendency to put their feelings on a pedestal but contain my own. It is actually quite easy for me to move on, once I voice, in blog/ person/ writing my rage to a degree or tell the person, "Actually I am angry at you because of this ...but I also understand where you are coming from...however, I FEEL hurt and upset...." If I am not able to have a conversation with someone in this way, it is much harder for me to re figure the situation. I can eventually, but the re visits of rage turn into a sense of injustice of not being understood in turn. I need to work for justice and peace in myself first, before I can manifest out into the world. 

I have to admit that sometimes beauty can not fix all problems. Not all people FEEL harmony on levels that give them the ability to forgive swiftly, understand another's issues even if they do not share the same ideals, or validate all range of emotions. As a four, sometimes I assume that everyone works this way and wonder why can't they just tap into that feeling of intuition to find truth and justice? It's an awareness I am developing.

To my fellow Fours; It's ok to find your emotional voice. Try to also balance out being a caretaker in the world, within your voice. When we harness our inner Sun (by that I mean, our inner warmth centres of life giving freedom of choice and belonging and belief) we can bring meaning and substance, along with goodness to be a Divine catalyst for others. When we no longer give our power of choice away to institutions or governments, we find our warmth of hearth and healing while still striving to be the best citizens we can be. Forgiveness and letting go of heaviness and long standing hurts (or at least acknowledging rage that cycles back), brings feeling of lightness to the heart. This in turn creates empowered choice. Choice ultimately leads to peace. 

Ask yourself, "What makes you feel free TODAY?" Different days will have different freedom answers. Do you follow that feeling and build solid choices based on that feeling? Do you light pathways for others to contemplate and find their own freedom? FOURS get a lot of flack and misunderstanding in Enneagram circles. Know that if you are a FOUR, you have the potential to create. You are part of a group of inspirers, artists, and feelers who have the capability, when healthy, to lead, and change the parts of the world and communities that others are lucky enough to be in with you. There is a lot of soul work to be done of course, but as in any type, you have the capability within you to SEE yourself and activate upon awareness. You are as important as the other 8 types. You are part of a whole. Let the birds sing for you, let the sweetness of your feelings inspire, allow your rage to activate justice (even for yourself), dream under the stars without guilt, laugh with gusty abandon when you feel it despite others not "getting it", explore those 'sapphire skies' and do not discount the beautiful aspects of your own wonderlandy muchness. You are a person who can feel the adventures of feeling in melodies built into your own backyard...you encompass twilight and sunrise in feeling on subtle breezes. At times life can FEEL so stunning with the simplest aspects. You have the capability to make others FEEL. Isn't that an emerald gift of homecoming?

~"One of the most important lessons many of us need to learn in this lifetime is that we are none of us an island: we thrive on profound and heartfelt relationships with others. When we experience conflict with someone we love, working through the pain, discord, and heartaches to find an even deeper level of connection helps us evolve spiritually and brings comfort, strength and wisdom like nothing else can. Similarly, when we continually work through our own fears and block around relationships in order to open up to others with true authenticity and vulnerability, we experience ever increasing levels of joy and personal expansion."- Tess Whitehurst ~

Song Choice: There are SO MANY songs for a FOUR type. Can I claim them all? Seriously... Instead of the many, MANY songs I could add here on an Enneagram FOUR, I am going to put a song that has helped me tap into my Wonderlandy ways the last couple years. Welcome to Wonderland- Anson Seabra  I FEEL this song. I FEEL it is my home. From his lyrics, I feel he could be a FOUR. His song "Broken" is definitely when FOURS are in melancholy and the internal self loathing, feeling struggle. His whole album of songs he wrote in his room (FOUND HERE) encompass the FOUR in unbalance , in certain wings and sometimes in full health . A couple of the songs are rated explicit but some of them are clean versions...and many of them show the unbalanced four who wallows in melancholy but a few of his happier ones are more of a four in savouring nature (Dawning of Spring/ Emerald Eyes/ welcome to Wonderland/ Trying My Best/ Don’t forget to Breathe)

*For more, my husband and I do marital and single personality coaching. Please email worldwecreate@gmail.com for more. Thanks.*

Personality: "Goddesses in EveryWoman Archetypes." Myth, Typology, Greek Myths, Christianity, Hestia and Aphrodite

Eros and Psyche (artist on bottom corner)

Our family is obsessed with myths, because most of classic literature, fairytales and stories in culture, find their rooting in the standard myth archetypes. Once myth becomes familiar, one can see the patterns over and over again in many life situations. The Archetypes invoke important lessons and deep thought. My favorite Greek goddesses in the past have been Hestia and Athena. Jean Bolen, MD, is a Psychiatrist and Jungian Typologist, who wrote the book, "Goddesses In Every Woman- Powerful Archetypes In Women's Lives." (CLICK) I found the book a little dry in parts, so I skimmed each chapter, looking for my primary type, however, each section had intriguing information. The general theory is that each of us have a little of all the archetypes, but have primarily one or two that rule our dominant personality. Once we are familiar with them, we can then try to rebalance ourselves when we need to. Speaking as a woman, this applies to me in roles of motherhood, marriage or career. As with any personality typing, it is strictly a tool to be used, to discover and ponder more depths in the psyche of self. In any book, I will disagree with some content, as I should if I am my own person, but I can still benefit.

Eros and Psyche Statue

“Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.” Proverbs 1:5

I was surprised this time that my primary archetype was not at all what I thought it would be. Usually I can accurately predict my results for personality tests. I flipped through the book and began with whom I thought I would be (Hestia.) While I could relate to aspects, her description did not fully encapsulate who I am. Especially the part that said she wasn't a strong personality presence. Next, I searched the Athena chapter and again, her type would probably be along with Hestia in a secondary position, but there were no "Ah ha!" moments. Next, I searched Demeter, Hera, Persephone and Artemis...and all of them were not my primary driver. There was only one left, and I was getting frustrated. I sighed aloud to my husband, "I guess I finally have found a typing system I do not come out strongly in. There is no way I will be this last one. It's Aphrodite." My husband snorted, "Are you kidding me? Anyone who closely knows you would pick Aphrodite as your primary goddess personality archetype. I could have saved you a lot of work as that would have been my first choice for you."

“He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.” Song of Solomon 2:4

I was appalled to be Aphrodite honestly. I guess I am a little biased about Aphrodite because of how she is always depicted in media as either naked, shallow, insanely curvy, and devious. However, as I read the chapter I pretty much held my breath at each paragraph, because it was eerily accurate. And I was wrong about the Aphrodite archetype. In many Christian settings Aphrodite types are not encouraged, so part of my qualm was my internal judging belief system. Aphrodite is the only alchemical goddess in myth. She was not victimized and she valued emotional experience with others more than independence. "Aphrodite seeks to consummate relationships and generate new life…And in that what she values is solely subjective and cannot be measured in terms of achievement or recognitions. Aphrodite is (paradoxically) most similar to anonymous, Introverted Hestia- who on the surface is the goddess most unlike Aphrodite." Jean Bolen

“Draw me after you and let us run together! The king has brought me into his chambers.” “We will rejoice in you and be glad; we will extol your love more than wine. Rightly do they love you.” Song of Solomon 1:4

Aphrodite Statue

I was born to create and to love. I cannot handle stale moments in life where creativity is squelched. I love sparkles. I can be mesmerized by the creation of glitter and shine. I feel like a queen when I examine the light. I am constantly painting my home, re-decorating, writing, and learning a new skill, connecting, researching, making, and creating, creating, creating. A few years ago, I confused my desire to have more babies with the inner need to create. I am also a sensual being, despite the fact that sensory, as an INFJ/ Autistic, spells trouble for me often. And perhaps this attribute finally helped explain why I differ from most INFJs and Autistics a bit more. There is an aspect of sensuality in food, nature, creativity and life that I need to thrive. I like it when the sensory aspects of life are good instead of heightened from autism to an uncomfortable degree. I also do not generally create for recognition. Most people do not even see what I create on a daily basis. It is not about achievement for me either. For me it is the process. A good book on that topic is 'A Time to Make' by Ginger Hendrix. 

"When Aphrodite influences a relationship, her effect is not limited to the romantic or the sexual. Platonic love, soul connection, deep friendship, rapport, and empathic understanding are all expressions of love. Whenever growth is generated, a vision supported, potential developed, a spark of creativity encouraged- as can happen in mentoring, counseling, parenting, directing, teaching, editing, and doing psychotherapy and analysis- then Aphrodite is there, affecting both people involved." Jean Bolen

That paragraph invoked an enthusiastic, "Yes!" To which my husband asked curiously, "What?" I read it out loud again, excitedly adding, "She just summed up everything I love in life, in a nutshell!" 

Amused my husband smiled, "I still am blown away that you did not consider Aphrodite. Think of all your writing and conversations. What is always the focus? Love, beauty, creativity and understanding. And for outer aspects, honey, look at all the pictures in our family videos. You are comfortable with sensuality to a proper degree.”

I gaped at him and adamantly replied, "The goal for pictures of tasteful expression is to give a lens to an inner part of myself I cannot normally express. It is about finding the right angle and feeling pretty from a certain lens. I often say that I can't live up to some of my own pictures. You know that. I like playing with light."

He replied, "Even without make up and angles I am drawn to you, but besides that point, you do give off a comfort within the sensual. You are ok with proper expressions of beauty. You dislike it when they are distorted with porn or negatively used. You are most appalled at sexual violence, not just from an ordinary lens, but because to you, sexuality mimics compassionate passion and a lust for all of LIFE. To disuse it, to you, is ultimately profane and enrages you more than most. You like to focus on emotional COMBINED with intellectual. You are, above all, focused on pathways to the heart. Of course you are my Aphrodite. I am shocked that you are shocked at this. Also look at your home, Love! That statue you have treasured for over a decade? It's one of your favourite aspects in our home and I've always thought she symbolized both you and Aphrodite to remind you to love and create." 

“I am the rose of Sharon, the lily of the valleys.” Song of Solomon 2:1

Hestia is my favourite mythical goddess - we have a symbol of her in our home (pictured above) even though she never had any tributes in her likeness. The hearth stood for her because she was considered the guardian of hearth and home. She symbolizes the importance of HOME. When I read the paragraph  I finally realized why I am drawn to Hestia. She suits my Introversion and focus on Hearth, unlike Aphrodite who seems Extroverted thus why I also mistyped myself. Although perhaps my Aphrodite result is why I can come across even more Extroverted than INFJ's can typically come across? Because of my strong, inner Aphrodite, maybe I seem more extroverted even though I am the Introverted of Introverts? I do enjoy people, connections and some sensory aspects of life. I could see how this could get confusing.

I mistakenly believed that one had to be Marilyn Monroe pretty to be an Aphrodite type. I have an odd face. I can perhaps be striking occasionally with the right lighting, make up and photo angle, but in every day conversation, my big face, huge smile and interesting features would not be called gorgeous. I thought there was no way I would be an Aphrodite and I was pompous if I even considered it. Another misconception. "...The Aphrodite archetype creates a personal charisma- a magnetism or electricity- that combined with physical attributes, makes a woman an 'Aphrodite.' When Aphrodite is an active part of a plain woman, the woman does not draw men to her from across the room...Those who come close, however, find her engaging and charming (when she wants to be or is interested.) Many rather ordinary looking women with Aphrodite qualities attract others with the magnetic warmth of their personalities and their natural, unselfconscious sensuality." Jean Bolen

“Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.” Song of Solomon 2:6

Another aspect of Aphrodite is her innocence and joy within her relationship to children. "Aphrodite women like children and vice versa." Jean Bolen. Aphrodite types can draw out good behavior with charm. That explains most of my life. Children generally like me and even the most misbehaved children tend to mind themselves when they are with me. My children have also remarked that I bring sunshine (if I am in the mood to do so) and they adore my charisma. Charisma is actually a nickname I was given by several acquaintances. My mother once remarked, "Your children clearly adore you. Not just LOVE but are dedicated and adore you and forgive you all ills." The paragraph above finally described why. 

This part of myself did not sit well with a few people in my circles. Once it was insinuated I manipulated my children into being so dedicated in love towards me. I was devastated. I cried, questioned myself, had conversations with my husband and carefully listened to my children's feedback with every interaction I had. My husband eventually comforted with, "Babe, they are jealous. They cannot understand how easily it comes to you so they think it is manipulative. Just be yourself. Be You. Don't worry about what they say. Your due justice will be yours and theirs will be theirs." It was good advice and since then I have decided not to hide the fact that my children adore me and that I adore them. I used to downplay it a bit, but have decided to try to just LIVE it instead. I have enough flaws to worry about the attributes in life I have been gifted with. My love to raise children and their love for me is something to value.

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:3-4

Statue of Lady Justice (whom I also LOVE)

In all honesty, I was hoping to get the Athena archetype of wisdom as my first result, it seemed less...patriarchal? Sensual? Wrong? "When sensuality and sexuality in women are degraded- as in Judeo- Christian, Moslem and other patriarchal cultures, the woman who embodies Aphrodite as the lover is considered a temptress or whore. Thus, this archetype, if expressed, can put the woman at odds with standards of morality. Aphrodite women may be ostracized." Jean Bolen

I was censored a lot growing up in this regard. I often would be found kneeling on the ground for the male teachers in school to measure my skirt length from my knee to the floor. I would often be sent home because my outfits were too tight. Honestly, I was not sexually active and wished to save myself for the ultimate love of my life. Nor was I trying to be a temptress in theory. Not only did I have some naiveté but also I was just expressing myself in a way that felt natural to me. It was more about me, than others. I liked lovely outfits and I preferred the way Marilyn Monroe walked, so I modelled my walk after her. It wasn't so much about attention as it was expression, freedom, autonomy, and an inward need to express outward. Song of Solomon spoke to me because it unabashedly celebrated the sexual nature of lovers, while also retaining a certain dignity. Secretly, I thought Rahab, being a prostitute and chosen to be in Jesus’ direct generational line, spoke to what God sees versus what man sees. The book of Hosea also showed that no one is beyond God’s offer of love and forgiveness. God asks Hosea to marry and remain faithful to a woman who was unfaithful to him continually, to model God’s love for his people. “The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the raisin cakes,” Hosea 3:1 Obviously I would not recommend this in normal circumstances outside of God’s advice. I believe in fidelity with commitment. Marriage is sacred to me (perhaps my inner Hera archetype?) and I have luckily found my match, so I would not be as prone to wander as most Aphrodite's are in the persona description. But it was good for me to read about the pros and cons of this archetype and examine my own issues and strengths. We all must learn aspects of whom we are, what dangers lurk within our specific temperaments, and what inner wounds we must face. If we want to love ourselves more fully, so we can love others, we need to BECOME.

Over time, some of this aspect in myself became stifled. I could relate to the paragraphs about parents and Aphrodite daughters, along with the relationships with women. I had very strong relationships with some people, while others seemed to hate me right off the bat. Apparently this is common, especially with anyone who is uncomfortable or opposed to expressions of sensuality (however tame.)

I also tend to have a brand of feminism that doesn't appeal to most feminists. Because I still like to validate men, make them feel worthy...I feel this way about BOTH female and male. However, I am also against the patriarchy. "Aphrodite’s wound: Patriarchy, threatened by her ‘power’ over men, have attempted in every way to restrict, confine, label and demote her from her Queenly position. Furthermore, Aphrodite and Demeter were not allowed to co-mingle in the patriarchal order (in other words, whore and wife had to be kept separate). Aphrodite also experiences alienation from the other goddesses. Media exploitation of Aphrodite’s sacred image--and the resulting schizophrenic urges to both deny [censorship] sensual beauty & pleasure while crudely lusting [graphically degrading pornography], alienation from the body, and a deep fear of intimacy [virtual- reality sex on the Internet/telephone sex]. As a result of advertising, mainstream women feel incapable of ‘measuring up’ to the image of feminine beauty; while men compare the appearance of the available woman in their midst to the suggested glamorized image of beauty sold to them by the media. The psychological consequences of denying Aphrodite any real place in the culture lead to: vilifying her image and then substituting the Virgin Mary for worship; replacing the ‘flesh-and-blood’ woman who possesses a body with the worship of a ‘Virgin’ mother, cut off from physical love; paranoia of witches and subsequent, systematic massacring of mature, independent, autonomous women followed, as a result." ( Found HERE.)

My deepest aversions are rooted strongly in the paragraph above. Autonomy, interaction, beauty, consummation of the physical or creativity, are all worthy pursuits in life, and should not be desecrated. I do not think I would have recognized and faced that aspect of myself fully, without reading the book. It was an important realization for me to forgive past incidents and accept my full expression innocently in who I am. The love of my life was found at age seventeen and I think I was ready partially, due to my inner Aphrodite. My husband trusts this love. “The heart of her husband trusts her, and he will have no lack of gain.” Proverbs 31:11

Aphrodite (artist unknown)

I love to indulge my children, as Aphrodite mothers are prone to do. I also enjoy buying beautiful things, sometimes not within our means, another Achilles heal of Aphrodite. Both the pitfalls and the strengths were relatable. The only exception was extreme Extroversion, but in every other type I am an Introvert and aptly so. Oh and of course, I cannot relate to being "the other woman" due to my serious levels of commitment and finding the love of my life at age 17. So there is also that.

The Labours of Psyche by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope 1873

I had this misconception that Aphrodite was not wise. She is relational and she brings people together with a focus on love. But now I ask myself, 'How is that not wise?' Not only that, but Aphrodite gave Psyche her four challenges to keep Eros, and those challenges symbolically were steeped in wisdom. Task One was sorting the seeds which represents "an inward task, requiring that a woman look honestly within, sift through her feelings, values, and motives and separate what is truly important from what is insignificant." Jean Bolen. Task Two was acquiring the Golden Fleece "without destroying Psyche was a metaphor for the task of gaining power and remaining a compassionate person." Jean Bolen. Task Three was filling the crystal flask, which represents the "circular flow of life" Jean Bolen and also the power of perspective. Task Four was learning to say no. "Until a woman can say no to her particular susceptibility, she cannot determine her own life course. Through the four tasks, Psyche evolves. She develops capabilities and strengths as her courage and determination are tested, Yet, despite all she acquires, her basic nature and priorities remain unchanged; she values a love relationship, risks everything for it, and wins." Jean Bolen

 

My husband is my earthly Eros. I value our love relationship and risk all for it. This is probably why the Psyche tale is one of my favorites, along with Hestia's concept of hearth and home. "What happens at the end of myth? Eros and Psyche are reunited, their marriage is honored on Mount Olympus and Psyche bears a daughter named Joy...note that after proving her courage and competency, the heroine does not go riding off into the sunset by herself, like the archetypal cowboy hero. Nor is she cast into the mold of the conquering hero. Union, reunion and home are where her journey ends." Jean Bolen I think it is perfection that the daughter is named Joy. Because I sincerely find that relationships rooted in love bring the utmost joy to life. Marriage and partnership are aspects of my personal life that I feel passionate about. We each must sincerely celebrate our own passions and creations.

“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun- all your meaningless days.” Ecclesiastes 9:9

(See HERE for a briefing on all the types.) 

At the end of each journey, Hestia/home awaits. "The individuation of journey- the psychological quest for wholeness- ends in the union of opposites; the inner marriage of "masculine" and "feminine" aspects of personality.... said more abstractly and without assigning gender, the journey toward wholeness results in having the ability to be both active and receptive, autonomous and intimate, to work and to Love..." Jean Bolen

What a beautiful balance to be in life! My life is all I have to give. As is yours. May we all DARE to LIVE. May we give something of ourselves while also honouring whom God made us, in the image of the I AM. May we believe in beauty, creating, love and understanding.

"All seem rather unspectacular endings- paralleling real life...the heroine who fended off hostile attacks, reclaimed her power, and struggled with goddesses, may seem similarly ordinary at peace with herself. Like the hobbit at home in the shire, however, she does not know if or when a new adventure that will test her well being or announce itself." Jean Bolen

It took a bit of true soul searching, but once I added Aphrodite to my Personality/ Typology results, I became much muchier. I was resistant and came in with my own judgments, but I got used to the idea. I'm surprised I was taken by surprise within my own persona! 

This understanding added another layer to how I can be my best self in the world we both create and find ourselves in. New adventures will arrive to test my character. But during the calm I hope to continue to embrace the love of life and the life of home. I feel this concept is important for each individual person.

* ALL quotes taken from the Introduction and End chapters of  "Goddesses in Everywoman. Powerful Archetypes In Women's Lives" by Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD. CLICK HERE. I HIGHLY recommend this book to browse for your own type and see patterns, downsides and positives, to add to the complex picture that is YOU.

Song Choice 1: Back In November, way before I discovered Aphrodite, my insightful friend Glynis wrote this to me when I was struggling with the baby conundrum: "Even thinking about having a baby caused this to happen to your physical body: of swords, grief, and internal battle, the need to defend itself ( autoimmune problems.)Your body was giving hints that it wasn't willing to go that route. And so it turned on you because what it wanted was a creative expression but did not want to go through the physical aspects of being pregnant and going through hormonal changes, and the postpartum period which would have left your mind still wanting to create because if the root of the issue was creation, and the wrong route for you would have been taken, there would have been a setback and possibly would have meant strife within the family, as well as your body itself as it tried to externalize what you were internalizing. Your soul is asking you to listen for a muse. She is saying, you have work to do. Commit to that work. Commit to bringing more and more creativity into your life, give birth to your ideas because they start as seeds but if they are not fed and watered then they will shrivel up and die. Commit to being creative in ways that are unique to you and to what will feed you and when you notice changes in your body, any sign of the five of swords, you'll know it's not time for that idea, or that it's the wrong idea, completely. To have faith in your skills. It says to believe in yourself, in your dreams, in whatever work you decide to do in the creative realm. The root of the matter is and what can you do: Dare to dream, dare to create. Dare to follow your heart not only in your mind, but in your actions.  You have been called to do these things by your very own soul. And of course it is daring to dream and daring to create and about being brave in following your heart, I'm including a song you know well. Dare to Live by Andrea Pocelli and Laura Pausini"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55gxqsU20UM Glynis' wisdom, along with the rest of her words I did not include, had me crying with the accuracy. I still wasn't ready to activate the truth and longed for a baby in the meantime, but now I see clearly why I needed her voice. Her wisdom gave me patience and hope. And it ties into this post.


Song Choice 2: There are many songs I could choose for this post but I could NOT stop humming this song as I was writing. High Above Me- Everclear n ( I did spend some of my teenhood in the nineties after all!)

The Other Side of Boundaries: Value Those Who Genuinely Care For You. The Rare Beauty of Deep Connections. Accepting "Socially Inappropriate" Behaviours as Beauty too. Expressions of Gratitude.

Boundaries and letting go are important concepts for an INFJ to learn. They have been my focal points for about a decade. I will forever be learning in the realm of "appropriateness" and proper boundaries. But there is a counter balance to this lesson. Luckily, for me, this counter balance comes more naturally. However, in the past, it threw me often into the deep end of other's grasping hands of use or desperation. So I had to learn to bury my depth of caring. I began burying it with distant friends, then in immediate circles, and finally this mentality even bled into my relationship with my husband. Luckily, my children were always my constant. They continued to allow me to be ME. They adored me as I was and am. If it wasn't for them, I think I may have locked that aspect of myself forever in the dark recesses of my soul.

But they were there. With their unconditional love, support, and acceptance. And I saw that it didn't matter how intense I was, how absolutely quirky or ridiculously animated I became...whatever I was, and how tightly I held on to them- they loved me back or more for it. When I showed them every day how much I cared in varied ways, they didn't ask me to put up more boundaries. They simply accepted. Of course I had a few natural, healthy boundaries, but I didn't have to actively practice "boundaries" with them the way I had to with others. What a relief that was!

Boundaries are important. For the rest of my life I will be writing, implementing and learning about boundaries, letting go, and allowing growth to take me in different directions. But there IS another side. And I will forever constantly be torn between the healthy endeavour of fitting in, being socially appropriate, and making healthy parameters around myself and my family...and being whom I naturally am at my core; an extremely giving, innocent, intense, deep and quirky person who craves time, depth and emotional connection.

 

A few years back I found a balance between these two aspects. But life is a journey of growth, mistakes and successes. This new season, I am re learning what I already knew. After my aunt died, there was a moment when I realized that, "There is one less person in the world who loved me for ME. Who thought my quirkiness was brilliant, who wanted to protect my innocence, who believed in my words, and wished the best for me. One less person who thought my temper was valuable and amusing and didn't take offence when I was "off," distant or moody. And one less person in the world who I felt the same for back." That hit me hard. 

Recently, one of my former best friends from High School was over. We see each other a few times a year and pick up where we left off for the most part. She will forever be another person who loves me for me in varying aspects. Religiously we are worlds apart on some issues and in sync on many but we have  had conflict. But when it comes to my quirks or fears, she has my back. And I have hers. We were talking about her grandparents passing away and she astounded me with saying the exact same phrase I said above. She softly remarked that there were now less people in the world who loved her for HER. Who didn't care if she was fat or skinny, rebellious or kind, successful or failing in any regard...they just loved HER. At that moment I, once again, realized why we are still friends. Our brains often formulate the same response to life. Our ethics are similar even if our beliefs are not. We wish for authenticity and connection, beauty, innocence, sweetness, and family ties. For the most part, we both see value in the same places. We laugh boisterously together and she shares memories with my daughter. That, is invaluable.

This had me thinking about all of the people in my life. It is tough to express, in the busyness of life, how much a person can mean. A single connection out of the blue can change our lives. One text conversation can alter our destiny. People are often conduits of growth. We often forget to thank them. Until one day we realize they are absent. They are either far away or out of this life. If they have passed onward without our expression of gratitude that is a moment that can never be given back.

Luckily, in the cases of my aunt and my mother in law (both of whom passed on in the last couple years) I have text feeds that I went out of my comfort zone to express my gratitude for their role in my life. Because I knew the end was coming. I was able to make a video for my MIL and show it to her in one of her awake moments, of the children and my husband, to a song, to thank her for everything she had done in our lives. With my aunt, we shared a couple vulnerable conversations. These conversations have slowly become an engrained part of my soul. They shape how I am with others. They shape my responses in mind and heart.

Strangers can also change our lives forever. Blog writers, books, music, film, actors, past friends, distant relatives, frenemies, close friends, besties, spouses, extended family, children, children's friends, neighbours...Each of these people may be in need of words of encouragement. Their beauty deserves to be celebrated. Kindness should be acknowledged. Care deserves gratitude. And often I bury my overwhelming gratitude because it is not considered "socially appropriate." Yet, the me before boundaries, regularly gave this without thought. When I was 26 years old, I found out that a gal in town despised me. I was so shocked because I didn't even know her. I knew OF her, but I had never had personal interactions with her. So, I began to watch for her downtown and nod with acknowledgement. When that didn't work, I dropped off a gift at her house through a mutual friend with a note apologizing for anything I may have done to offend and hoping an offering of goodwill would suffice. I didn't want another enemy. I wasn't trying to control how someone felt about me. I just wanted to give peace a chance, because that is who I am.

Of course it backfired. She thought I was weird. She told our mutual friend, "Who does that? Who leaves a gift to someone they don't know? What's her angle?" But I stuck to my guns because I knew I did my best. People will judge or perceive you how they view the world. It's not your job to change that. But it is your job to make sure you are acting within your own ethics. I wanted to try for peace. I wanted to acknowledge that she was a beautiful person in her own way, even if we would never be friends. And I knew we wouldn't be because of our personalities. But I wanted to show my acknowledgement of who she was. Do I regret that action? No. Because I know I went into it with thought out intentions and a pure heart. Did I cry later when I found out that I was labelled a freak even though I had to overcome some cowardice to do the action in the first place? Yes I did. It hurt to be so misunderstood. But I came to the conclusion that I understood myself, I knew why I did what I did, and there will be people who don't get it...and that's ok. I am still glad I did it. To me, it's not about the ending, or hopeful resolution (though both are nice bonuses if given), but trying my best, within whom I am, to acknowledge another's existence in peace and gratitude. 

Those situations happened too many times to count in my past. I still give awkward gifts to my Dentist, my Hygienists and basically any professional that helps me. I don't do this to get anything, but instead to show my gratitude for their roles in my life. I sometimes get weird looks. But most of the time, I get astounded shock followed by, "This is exactly what I needed today." My dental receptionist, whom I barely know but has always been so kind to me on the phone, remarked after a gift, "My niece died this week and your gift was the one unexpected bright spot in my week. Thank you. It had me teary in a good way which was a welcome relief."

We don't always get the privilege of knowing how our words of beauty affect others. Sometimes we do not need to know. But we need to give. Gratitude doesn't just serve the one receiving, but also the one giving. When we acknowledge the crucial words, role or love someone has given us with thankfulness, we also see our own growth, our paths, and the love infused around us.

The lack of these words in our lives is a loss. Some of it comes down to laziness. To combat this, I actively try to write a few words of kindness, acknowledgement or beauty back to someone in text, on Instagram posts, or in email as soon as I read. For instance, if someone writes something vulnerable, I hope to validate their bravery. By writing a few words I am essentially saying, "I see you." That matters. Kind comments matter. Every comment I have received on and off my blog, about how my words helped someone, are now part of the fabric of my being. Some are from strangers I will never see or know, yet they are interestingly a part of me. While others are faces I cherish, belong to, and get to love in a tangible way. Both are of value.

As I have practiced boundaries, I have given less in this way. I used to give gifts, send letters, emails and cards all the time. It wasn't bad of me to stop. In fact, I needed to give myself a new phase with practice emphasized on only giving to myself and a few key people. Yet, at the same time, I have missed that girl a bit. The brave one who constantly stepped out of her comfort zone because she saw beauty and wanted to value it by acknowledging it. A girl who cried in her closet when people found her terrifying or weird, but still stuck to her ways of being in the world anyway ,because she knew it was HER beauty and goodness. A girl who was used to people running from her open arms because they didn't know what to do with her love, but she loved anyway. Maybe it was too intense at times. Maybe "socially inappropriate" too, but it was HER truth. 

The quote above was a phrase similar to what my husband used to say to me when I would cry after these experiences. Sometimes he would sway me from sending an email, not because he didn't believe in my words, but because he knew the receiver would be less than perspective taking or kind. He wanted to spare me more grief. But other times, he knew the grief would come but knew I had to honour who I was. He would wait to pick up the pieces and tuck them back into my soul to be used again. What a lovely expression of love. He would tell me that I was one of the only genuine souls he knew. That my Aspie self gave an alien sort of balance to humanity. He encouraged me not to lose this muchness.

On the flip side, I had to learn how to do this in a less scary way...for the most part. People are scared by genuine care because often it is used to mask sinister behaviour. I had to learn to accept this fact. To work around it. Or to sometimes act in spite of it. But over time I became too socially appropriate. I am often more appropriate in conduct, words and deeds than my "normal" friends. I have become that obedient trained puppy, in some regards. While my behaviour now often gets rewarded from the masses, I have lost some of that joy. That unshakable trust and love given has diminished a bit. And I want it back.

I will not be the same person I was years ago. I have learned too much. But it's time to re adjust my own balance. To value those who genuinely care for me and to just be ME when I give back, regardless of what is thought of me. My biggest gift to those I love is often my words in writing. I need to honour that. Be it in a card, text, email, post, comment ect. I have held back for almost a decade. I learned some good lessons. Many of which I will implement and take with me. As an INFJ boundaries will ALWAYS be needed, necessary and hard to balance. But as an Autistic person, it is important for me to also BE whom I am, which IS socially inappropriate. The few who have seen my genuine soul in this regard, like me even more for this part of me. They may laugh sometimes or get a kick of amusement out of my social blunders, but they find it refreshing too. I need BOTH. I AM both.

If you are an INFJ whom has never practiced boundaries, you may need to go the other way. I have spent a better half of a decade in that zone and I don't regret it at all. But now it is time for a new phase. I am unsure how it will look. I will make mistakes. It will be interesting to incorporate the new boundary filled me while unlocking the hidden intense parts of my soul I buried deep in most situations because I wanted to make other people comfortable. There are different situations for the different sides of persona. My children have taught me that we are most worthy of love, being whom we are. Boundaries are accepting that those who can not see that, can walk away. Being genuine requires us to still be that person that we are regardless.

It is such a gift to have someone see you. In words or deeds. As I am writing this numerous faces are flashing through my head. Elementary and High school friends, relatives, far away friends, Internet friends, called to question participants, professionals, frenemies (people who I may not be fond of or they may not be fond of me but we also played a role in each other's decisions by doing so), therapists, neighbours, parents of friends, children of friends... beautiful, unique souls that are all a part of me...and I am intensely grateful. In this circumstance I refuse to tone down my intensity. I am overwhelmed with teary happiness that I have witnessed aspects of these people's lives and they have witnessed mine.

To all of them, and to you, the stranger reading this blog, I acknowledge you. I wish I could have a deep conversation with you. Be it once and short but valuable or an ongoing friendship. I wish I could express my thankfulness to the unique place you have in my fabric of existence. With some, we have had these conversations and will again. With others, the future is waiting in bravery, and some will unfortunately never have an expression other than this.

With Deep, Intense, Genuine Thankfulness for your place in this world and my place in your world;

Song Choice: I'll be there- Jackson 5

"Where there is love, I'll be there. I'll reach out my hand to you. I'll have faith in all you do. Just call my name, and I'll be there. I'll be there to comfort you, build my world of dreams around you, I'm so glad that I found you. I will be there with a love that's strong. I will be your strength. I will keep holding on..."

If Tomorrow Never Comes- Garth Brooks: "So tell that someone that you love, Just what you're thinking of, If tomorrow never comes. Cuz I've had loved ones in my life, who never knew how much I loved them. Now I live with the regret that my true feelings for them never were revealed. So I made a promise to myself, to say each day how much they mean to me, and avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance, to tell them how I feel..."


Glee- You have more friends than you know "Those who love you the most may need more time to grow..."