The Difference Between A Blood level Ferritin of 2 to A Ferritin Level of 9. Envy, Gratitude, Friendships and the Surprising Benefits of LOW energy.

*In this post I speak about Ferritin which is different from standard Anemia of low Hemoglobin. Do a quick google search if you are looking for more information on this key definition.*

The difference between a Ferritin of 2 and 9 feels like being on the cusp of death and finally being able to begin to LIVE. (I will get into the actual medical details for any fellow sufferers later.) The operative word is 'begin.' I'm still struggling with many issues YET for the first time in months I feel a dangerous hope. To help people who have never struggled with Anemia or low Ferritin understand, here is the difference between a few tiny numbers of the stored Iron (Ferritin which is different from Hemoglobin numbers) in the body's blood system and what it can mean on a personal, outward level;

*I have begun to read again. I wasn't able to tolerate more than a few books a year (I have always been a voracious reader and was often able to gobble down at least four books a week. At least.) I remember my Ferritin getting to a 5 before. That year I was also able to read a few more books. I can also now read out loud a full chapter to my children without being drained or gasping for breath! When I am their teacher this is an incredible feat, and I have had to find creative ways of teaching the last two years and relying on other people. But now I am slowly getting back into reading. I can't do it regularly yet but I am beginning again. I treasure this! (My daughter snapped the picture above because she walked in with her ipad and called it a "Pinterest moment" after she captured it. I am so grateful to her because I felt frumpy and yucky and didn't want her to take a photo of me make-up less but looking at it from her perspective it truly was a beautiful moment I can now have to look at - and I LOVE how our moment was captured through her lens.)

*I borrowed a Treadmill from my parents and I can actually sustain a mild pace of walking for a forty minute episode of Glee. This feels like a HUGE feat. Before I could only walk fifteen minutes and had to lie down for an hour to recover. Before I felt like one more step and I could die. Possibly. For real. It was a dramatic feeling. At a Ferritin of 9, the mild treadmill pace ( I only average 2.5- 3.7 miles per hour) still feels quite fast and it DOES take it out of me, but it's a start. I feel accomplished. Moving around also helps in other ways and I feel honoured that I am finally able to take these literal steps.

*I feel I have a little more time for friends. Not much- but I do think I am initiating slightly more or thinking of others with small gifts or notes when I am able. I thought my Introversion was simply reaching epic levels. I was slightly worried for myself- not much- but a little on what it means to have no desire for anyone- even if I love them. Turns out the Ferritin has A LOT to do with this. Apparently, the Specialist says that I can not judge what my healthy normal is until I reach SEVENTY. Will I still be a hermit? Who knows. It's been a decade of declining levels. I will always be attracted to Hermit status, however, my tolerance for even the people I love was/is so so low. At a two, breathing was enough output for the day. Having to use words beyond speaking to my kids was exhausting. Texting often hurt. I hung on to my small Instagram like a lifeline and posted on there, because I could hit a core group of people I cared about with intimate details, in one go...It was my support and desperately needed...which brings me to my next point...

*I quit Instagram three days ago. My Ferritin reaching a 9 enabled me to form new habits and have the oxygen in my brain to implement. I knew something was different so asked my family doctor to do early blood work. I found out last night that it had increased to a 9. Which in hindsight explains a lot. Last week I made quite a few changes and I know this is not coincidence. I felt I needed a break from social media to figure out my new life choices, to get into new habits and because I was starting to feel frustrated with it. I go with my gut on these feelings. I allow myself to be flaky on certain aspects of life because as an INFJ I will often take the responsible, strict route. I may go back to Instagram eventually, or start fresh, or maybe I never will again, but I needed to take a break. I cried actually. It was hard. I still go to press the App ALL THE TIME. I think about what I could share or who would appreciate certain glimpses of my life. But then again, I have also had more time to recover, to process, and to give to new habits.

*I am eating LESS. Yup you heard right. For the last few months I was eating more than I ever did before, which my best friend still says is piddly, but I was trying to get energy hits. Coming off of Mono (That with the low Ferritin was enough to make my year akin to the year and life of a Zombie) I ate more chips and quick carb choices I normally would not eat because I was desperate for any sort of energy hit. It never worked but gave me an illusion of control. I gained even more weight. Which CAN be an issue with Anemia and especially low ferritin due to energy levels but also the fact that the Mitochondria are not getting enough oxygen to burn fat. (Short version.) At a 9, I am noticing a slight change in my energy cravings. I have hope that if I ever pass 20 I will feel like Superwoman!

*I have a little less ADD symptoms. I have ADD anyway. I was diagnosed years ago. I don't think it's relevant and believe it's just a secondary part of Autism. Plus, I manage it well. I'm quite self controlled...but I was unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. I still am at Hummingbird status, but I can now sit through some of my shows and only multitask for half of them instead of for the full episode.

*My words are beginning to come back. I thought I was in the beginning of Dementia. I watched the flick "Still Alice" and could relate to everything but the random wetting. It scared me. Often the words I want in life don't come to me, due to my different wiring, but losing words has been on an entirely different level the last few years. I tell my children to wash their arms because I can not remember the word 'hands'...and I know they will get what I mean. They have adapted to my weird language. Even in writing, where I tend to thrive, I will have to sit and think of an alternative word to the one on the tips of my fingers. Or I will have to google, "That thing that happens when you can feel air coming into the nostrils." I feel a hiccup of "I KNOW this word" but it won't form. For anyone curious about the result, the word was 'breathing.' I don't even have the right description in these moments and am amazed google tends to give me what I need regardless. This still happens to me regularly but I have noticed a tiny decrease in my need for translations.

* Every day no longer feels like Ground- hog day. For a year it felt like each day bled into the same day all over again. Even if I KNEW my life was beautiful and good, I could not shake this feeling. My husband told me he felt like that up until two months ago due to mono and his Mono began this time last year. Mine was diagnosed in February...so that sounds about right. Maybe this was a lack of Mono effects and not Ferritin improvement but it's worth a mention.

Brief Medical Background and Notes:

Since my youngest has been born (about a decade) my Ferritin has hovered around 3, often going down to 2, and sometimes going as high as 7...even with iron therapy. Awhile ago I saw an Internist whom was also a Hematologist. He was greatly alarmed at my "death like levels." His diagnosis of me was, "I think you have Fibromyalgia ( which isn't news as I was diagnosed with it twice in my early twenties) and if that lump in your neck you are ignoring- we will ignore too for now, because the most pressing issue for me is your Ferritin levels. I am surprised you have been functioning this long. I feel most of your symptoms come down to this. You should be on regular IV's and I will order the iron IV's after this appointment. If that doesn't work a blood transfusion. Most Doctors will say that Ferritin can range from as low as 12 to over a hundred. As a Hematologist who works with blood as my specialty I can tell you that we want you up to at least 70 and most people will not feel optimal until their Ferritin levels are well past this point. A goal for patients should be over fifty at the very very least. 12 is unacceptable. You are at a 2. I believe your issues of memory, lethargy, anger, gut and suffering of all general symptoms are increased by this low oxygen level inside of you." To which I replied, "That's validating and thank you. I have been told to do both the IV and blood transfusion before but am hesitant due to the side effects and my research- is there another alternative?" I don't think most doctors are fans of me...he finally consented to me going on a higher dosage of Ferramax (the type of expensive iron I tolerate best) for a trial of 2 months but if I did not show improvement I have to take the steps above without any choice.

I'm only 3.5 weeks in to my new regime and my Hemoglobin has raised from low into just the normal range and my Ferritin has gone from a 2 to a 9! NINE. I'm a little apprehensive to get excited about this because when I got to a seven before, despite valiant efforts it fell again to a 2. However, I am doing a few things differently this time. I am taking an absorption aid called BC-1 from my Naturopath under my tongue along with 'Medi C Vitamin C with L- Lysine formula." I admit the first two weeks I was "pregnancy sick."  I had a massive clawing in my gut, cramping and nausea all day long ( the worst being an hour after consumption.) I still deal with side effects but I am glad I stuck through the torture of adjustment. I still am not on the dosage that was recommended. I just can't tolerate it, but I am taking more iron on a schedule I can manage.

With my current levels I am no longer considered "Anemic"due to "normal" hemoglobin range yet because of my Ferritin levels, my Hematologist still considers me "in danger and serious." I no longer look at energetic people with envy. Because now I understand how they have energy. The difference from a 2 to 9 put this into perspective. It feels like when the Doctors put the oxygen nose tube on my face and that extra boost of relief in the very cells of my being. I know without a doubt, when people without chronic illness or health reasons, complain about being tired, it is not my level of tired. I can't imagine what a "normal tired day" will feel like, but I am looking forward to experiencing one. If my levels ever reach past seventy and my hair grows back and I can work out, I can guarantee I will feel like Wonder Woman. I finally see that there is a reason why I can't do what others do. Because if a jump of only 7 points has given me enough improvement to hope again, to walk, to wish to engage with those I love- imagine that multiplied by ten!!! I am no longer envious of normal people because they have a boost I don't. There is nothing I can do about that other than keep on the treatment I am and hope for the best.

About Struggles with Envy, Choices and Therapy;

My therapist and I had an excellent appointment the other day. Before I knew my Ferritin had gone up we were discussing my envy of energetic people who put whatever they wish to eat in their grocery cart and flit from one thing to the next. Or those women who have it all together and care about putting effort into their looks, plus do things for others, plus manage their families. I moaned, "I despise being envious. Normally I don't struggle with jealousy unless it involves my husband...I'm just not the type because I love my differences and my wonderland approach to life...but I KNOW it's a problem and I am angry at the luck of the draw in health that people who do not give much thought to life are healthy and happy. I don't wish to be that person. How can I stop being envious??!?" To which he replied with something akin to, "There are benefits and downsides to everything. You know, some parents end up sitting in the bleachers cheering on the game for their kids but do not have regular conversations on a deep level with their children. They think cheering them from afar in their chosen, individual activity is quality time. In a way it is. But it is not the same as what you do. It can not be compared. Because of your low energy level you have made integral choices for your children that have benefited them. You see your children 90 percent of their lives. You are always there to talk with them, you witness all their milestones and you teach them almost all they know. That is HUGE. That is also because of your low energy. Yes some years they learn less than other years due to your health, but do you think you would have chosen homeschooling if you hadn't run into energy issues to sustain all that formal school involved (the interactions with other parents/playdates/making lunches/pick up times/ drop offs/extracurriculars/homework...conformity- ha ha those were my words not my therapists) ? Your slower pace also keeps you from taking on too much and the stress levels involved with that. Many patients I have had over the years in their later ages who had high energy output with their families have different negative effects, varied diseases associated with stress, and regrets about their choices too. What you have to see is what you are capable of- and what benefits have come with that. Then the envy will melt away. You won't think of yourself as higher than these people either but instead see it as a range of choices and circumstances that can not be controlled ( like certain health conditions or different mind wiring) with downsides and upsides."

This resonated with me. When I found out last night that my Ferritin had improved enough to breathe easier, and it wasn't just an illusion, I realized the truth in this. Circumstances DO matter. Natural health plays a large role in choices. I can see now that "normal" levels of blood to me looked like Superhero women simply because it has been years since I have felt that. Actually, my Anemia started in grade six after menstruation and I have never had a Ferritin level of 70 that I can recall how it felt. Even if I do get a level of 70, I am STILL an INFJ and Autistic. Thus, I will never be a go getter in the social realm. Nor, will I make conventional choices. However, I will probably (hopefully) be able to follow through on choices that I WISH to make...a bit more time with people outside of my family, less crankiness due to depletion, more fun trips where I don't spend the time regretting the "fun" and faking it to make it, and more time to be active.

Thus far the benefits of having low Ferritin have involved:

*Knowing who my friends are. I know, by the responses, who actually fits into my life. If a person responded with, "Oh I have had Anemia and it's not that bad." Yet they had no idea what Ferritin levels were I knew that my case was being negated and it was time to move on to a better support system. Of course, I always give a chance for understanding, but if that wasn't acknowledged...

*With this, having friends who could accept my low energy output without pushing too much but still being available in my life. I know this is sort of unfair...but life is unfair and so is my condition. Thus I try to make it up to them in varied ways and I DEEPLY appreciate their willingness to see value in being in my life.

*Learning boundaries. I was forced into boundary learning in my mid twenties because of my Autistic brain, INFJ soul and my health. I think the health forced my hand more than any other difference. I will be forever grateful for the hard lessons involved but the massive life improvement on all other levels besides health.

*Making energy conservation choices. Even if/when I have "normal" energy/oxygen levels again, I think I will carry my values and lessons into not doing more, but sustaining quality in a few extras that life may give me.

*Compassion. I can not stress enough, how I have learned to sympathize with all chronic condition sufferers. For me there is hope that a large aspect of my health will get better even if I have two other chronic conditions. But having this low of energy helps me to understand others. I know it doesn't compare to terminal or massively deteriorating conditions, but it has given me a long lasting bitter taste of moments that feel similar on a lesser level. I can empathetically put myself in their place and know how a fragment of that life feels.

*Less Judgment. I know I have judged energetic people out of envy but I also know that I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. I have a personality type which my observations and life choices sound like judgment, but it's just me...and my best friend and husband will testify that I am one of the least judgmental people they know. I have a lot of grey areas which tend to bother people more than if I had extreme black and white. I am a natural perspective taker. Yet, this has been taken to EPIC levels due to my own circumstances. I now look behind the scenes even more. If my cells tell a story of exhaustion that can not be seen, what about everyone else? What about that energetic lady? Maybe she goes home to recover for hours just like I do? Often people think I am normal and smiling. I see my pictures. I look normal in them...happy, healthy, young ish, energetic...I take multiple selfies because this always baffles me. I want to see what the world sees and look at myself from that angle as well. So maybe, this applies to everyone on some level?

*No regrets. I had a family member say to me recently, "You will regret that decision. What about *insert anonymous child name here* and if you never see them again. You would never forgive yourself for the boundaries you set." This gave me no pause because I realized this person did not really know me on a deep level, if this is what they think. I may have short regrets and a few bigger ones but I do not wish for life to be any other way. I would not be the person I am today without those experiences. I am thankful for them. A lot of good came out of them too. I just can't work in black and white. They may be partial regrets but they are not encompassing feelings of depression. If it came down to never seeing that said child again, I would be upset and it WOULD be a loss. But I would be more worried about how it affected the child. I know I would adjust and be fine. I can love from afar easily...sometimes painfully and people can assume I have no love at all when I do. If I get a chance behind the scenes to make someones life better who is out of my life- I will take it. I would do all I could outside of that child's life to make it better, but if the chips fell that way, I wouldn't feel like I made the worst decision.

We all make decisions that have both good and bad. We also make them where we are at...without the information of the future. We must try to make the healthiest, best, most loving choices, but what that looks like for one person, may look like a horrid decision to someone else. I won't ever judge myself for making a decision in the past. It was what I did and what it was. Also, I believe in human frailty and the gifts of imperfection. I WILL make some choices that could have been better...we all do. However, we make what we do at the places we are at. There is grace for that. It seems ungraceful to the uneducated but actually think about the ripple effects involved with that sort of self acceptance and love. My ill health has caused me to have even less time to dwell on regrets or to wallow in the past. The past is gone for better or worse, and maybe in the future it will be redeemed in surprising ways? Right now is all I've got...

*Which brings me to my last point- Nothing brings home gratitude and making good life choices like the hovering of possible death or the threat of life declining fast. Every day I am reminded of what I have, what I have lost, and what I could gain. EVERY DAY. Every outing I am reminded of my mortality. Because being drained from low oxygen in every cell including the storage cells can feel like a slow drain of death. Like a balloon deflating. In each choice I make, I see quickly how it benefited my energy or drained it. Which makes me more careful about all the little choices. I have realized my children in organized sports ( they still experience the benefits of being active or part of a team in varied ways) is not a priority but time with them IS. I have realized what matters to me on small daily levels and what matters ultimately with my children. They may have a long healthy life or they could pass away in an untimely way- I want them and myself to know if that happened, that they owned every second and had valuable, connective, life choices. I feel deeply grateful for the days I CAN walk or go on a short outing without major recovery after. I feel grateful for the friends who understood on a deeper level and for the friends who may not have but supported me or spoke in my language despite this. For the space received and lack of judgment for needing it. For the many movies with friends because it is easier for me than speaking for hours. For deeper conversations when I am able and the ability to cancel when I am not. For small moments of connection and large times of witness. It ALL matters. What taught me some of my best life lessons were my "differences" and harder life moments. Chronic illness, being a minority in personality and a definite minority in brain wiring forced my hand in some ways and gentled it in others. I am beyond grateful even if I have had some tough, tough moments.

Life is still hard despite improving levels. I still have a lump in my thyroid I am currently ignoring, dental work that has been going on since August averaging three times a week ( that is getting to me but I am thankful for my team and have given them gratitude gifts because of their care), and other life circumstances that are not always easy. Yet with a few points in Ferritin, I feel like maybe there is hope to rise to these occasions with more fortitude. It makes a difference. It's amazing how one seemingly tiny factor in health can be the difference between healing and deterioration. I hope each person can find theirs, whether it is a vitamin deficiency or a tweak in diet, or some sort of blood discovery ect. Because getting help after ten years of suffering feels like a miracle. I don't know if it will last, but I am glad I kept fighting to be heard. I am relieved I wouldn't back down from my statements of "something is wrong here and it needs to be addressed." Keep fighting, keep Being,  or as Journey croons, "Don't stop believing.":)

*The song that best describes this journey is also mine and hubby's new song for the year. It describes us to a T...to the point that I have a post that has been sitting in my drafts folder with all the lyrics and a tribute to him...if I ever get around to it. "It's kinda Complicated" by Scott Helman. My fav lyrics are, "There's a dictionary page dedicated to us. It says some days we're gonna shine, and some days we'll rust. But they left out the meaning, didn't give it a name. 'Cause they couldn't find a word for our kind of insane... And I overheard them saying that we got a disease. But I only got you, and you only got me. There's a moment when I'm smiling, and I'm shiny, and gold. Or a bad, bad feeling creeping in my bones. And I like it that way, 'cause I'm weak in the knees. But when it's not half-amazing, well, it kinda looks bleak...

Yeah, I only got you . And you only got me

I got from frustrated

To feeling liberated

(Oh, oh)
We're kinda complicated" Link HERE

Obligations as "Privileges" for Our Children- The Problems Behind the Mentality Of Over Scheduled Children

The start of a new season comes with natural changes, growth, die off and perspective. It's part of the process of life. In Autumn most are preparing for school, extracurriculars and signing up for as many possible "privileges" for our children. In moderation, all of these things can be beneficial. But it's the interesting mentality behind most obligations that could be challenged. I often hear parents say that they see these sign ups as privileges. Indeed they are. But so are water, food, shelter and clothing. Yet, it would be ridiculous if we set ourselves up with constant food simply because it was a privilege. That kind of reasoning sets the stage for all sorts of excess and even a hidden type of guilt choosing, over consumption and not making room for others. Out of the belief in privilege we mistakenly think if we do not sign our kids up, then we are NOT setting our kids up for a good future, making them into whole beings, or giving them "enough" love. We mistakenly equate discipline and skill as love. Of course these are important stepping stones to wholeness but we have over emphasized them because our culture is all about being privileged. It's about finding that perfect job that makes a soul sing and living the life of dreams. But is that really what we want for our children? Deep down is that what our children wish from us?

We must deconstruct our choices and mentalities. Sometimes we think we are going against the crowd when really we are another form of baying sheep. Of course, there is nothing wrong with being sheep either. In moderation we need some sheep. Just not an entire society full of them as the endgame goal. Why are privileges "privileges" in the first place? What does this mean in our lives? Why do we believe we need to cash in on most of them? Is there another way to encounter the same value without exhausting our time, resources and children? Can our children be loved simply BY being? Can they learn love and other valuable attributes without joining a sporting event, music lesson, second language ect? Can they not learn organically themselves based on their interest with us supervising discipline when absolutely needed? Should we not be a facilitator instead of controller of our children's desires and gifts along with challenges and needs? Oh but they must be equipped with the skills to find the best career to enjoy! What about simply teaching them to enjoy everything...including the mundane and mediocre? The life lived in the ordinary and what beauty to be found! What about the value of boredom as a step into creativity?

A privilege by definition is a right, immunity or advantage granted to a certain people group. Why are we holding this up as something to cash in on? Many atrocities, judgements and prejudices are committed in the name of privilege. Ask any minority group. There are many advantages too of course, but there are also valuable lessons to be had in not being privileged.

There are hard knock rules of life that give underprivileged children the grit to get by in a harsh and sometimes unfair world. Not that privileges are bad within themselves. Each of us have privileges that contribute to our glittered viewpoints. I am writing from a place of privilege because I make most of my own choices, have my own autonomy and am middle class. On the flip side I know what it is like to not be in the people group who have the advantage culturally to succeed. I also know what living with an impairment is like. In that regard I have learned valuable lessons about BEING. The tough questions are ever present. This has damaged me and served me equally. I am glad that my childhood was not spent focusing on my abilities. While there were aspects of that, most of my childhood was spent with free time, responsibility within that time, and allowance OF time. The part that was focused on my abilities I now receive therapy for.

What does it mean to have a disability in a world that prizes ability? A world where slogans for those who are different even include the words "see the ability." Well intentioned and true in some of their worded merit, but limiting within themselves. People should be seen for whom they are; a unique package of beauty and struggle, strength and weakness. Instead we should just see beyond. Beyond package, beyond words, beyond ability, beyond mind into the soul...the genuine, innocence and soul that IS. My particular slogan is supposed to be a puzzle piece. Something most of the autistic community takes issue with but those who are parents of the Autistics and those even trying to help... promote. That is usually how it goes. We don't want to be seen as a fascinating puzzle. We just ARE. Of course there is education and support to go along with that but it first comes from a place of love. Slogans, no matter how well meaning, only further complicate the issue. They veil it with more misunderstanding and cloak US with further stigma while trying to free us. It's ironic and unfortunate. On a larger scale it also factors in to what we choose for our children in the first place. Education, improvements, and preparation. What are we preparing for? Another cog in the wheel of the work force? Another life like so many of our peers that are unsatisfied, constantly searching, scared and exhausted? It's one thing if they join the workforce because they have learned that any life is of value. It's completely another to try to rise in it because they think that it GIVES value. There is a difference.

I will be happy if my children work at Subway their entire lives and enjoy their down time, learn to manage their money so that they can live within their means and validate all of their own experience...the messy and neat. If they struggle with depression because they are prone to it but still see that in that they ARE, it matters. If they need to go on disability because they can not fit into culture, THEY STILL ARE. They still give and they are still valued. If they are bored, that they learn how to give time to find creativity. I will also be happy if they decide to be a lawyer because they love helping people and they love using money wisely and enjoying it. If they prefer to spend hours alone working at a job because it is what comes naturally to them, so be it. What a person really desires they will find a way to do, no matter most of the odds. No matter what "privileges" of are joined or not. What exactly are we hoping for them to achieve?

Before we sign our children up for another music lesson or sporting event we should ask ourselves a few crucial questions. Why are we doing this? What does it mean for US? What does it mean to them? Where in our story did we get this ingrained belief? Even if it is a good belief, could there be a question or caution within it? Why is this particular music lesson (or insert event here) important? Can our children learn the same values without putting out that money and time? Can we personally vouch for that valuable resource of money and time? Are we considering our exhaustion, borrowing money, borrowing time, and other hindrances to society as part of the equation just as equally as we are considering the benefits? Are we buying into these societal norms because we believe in research, funded by programs that promote and make money off of these events? Because they give jobs and make our society go round so we become part of the cycle because everyone else is?  Just because we take a different perspective on it, however healthy, doesn't meant that we might not need to step back and question.

At the end of the day we will all make different decisions. I don't want mini robots of me because I value individuality and freedom. Plus I secretly enjoy aspects of the crazy sign up sheets... because it means other people are super busy in their lives and less likely to be in mine. Yes, I benefit from it too. I also love that after school times are often full of parents running around which means life is more likely to be quiet for my children to explore. I value that because I am a quiet soul. I realize for others who have a extroverted souls or a heart for services may want to meet and greet as many people as possible. For those children, it actually may be important to be in a few of these obligations/privileges. But those children are certainly not the norm we portray them to be. A busy society means less likely to get into trouble, to be rebellious, to THINK, to be more creative and thus to be more effective. If effectiveness is a goal...by all means...but most people want more for their children.

At the end of the day, ALL children want to know they are worthy and loved. This will be a large contributing factor in regards to content, whole adults. Most parents want their children to feel love and thus pick a lot of misplaced ideas of what this means instead of giving the children what is most fleeting to them- TIME. Childhood is only a quarter of an average human life. They have plenty of time to be effective adults and plenty of time to learn. In fact, when their brains have matured they will learn the lessons of discipline whether through hard knocks or fantastic support...but the children who have love do have an advantage and indeed a privilege worth it all. The children who do not, also have the possibility to succeed despite the odds and validate their own existence.

Each child can learn they are worthy because they exist. Not because they know two languages, play the cello, or can pirouette. Oh but these things give them more to enjoy. Really? So a child who twirls clumsily is less happy and aware than a child who can ecarte? Are they more passionate simply because we define these art forms as passionate? Are they more driven because our perceptions of ballet inform us that obviously a person who performs in ballet lessons has to be driven and disciplined? Yes, yes there is something to be said for the love of ballet/dance/ ect.. I do know dancers who chose ballet because they LOVED it, not because their parents or society valued it. In them, the spark is real. I am picking on ballet simply because it is one of the popular choices along with certain sports, the violin and second languages. Why? Because in previous studies these have been proven to enhance life. But we forget that many other aspects of being can achieve the same effect if we only open our inner eyes. Also, ballet, the cello/violin, second languages, basketball/hockey/soccer, ect. whether we want to admit it or not, are associated with money, privilege, status, sophistication, success and ease in life. What person wouldn't be tempted by that future package for their children?

 Our children should be allowed to pursue what they are passionate about. Yes, there are opportunities we can give them to explore options but how many parents force their children to continue piano because they believe one day their kids will be grateful? Maybe they will, but there would be other, just as beautiful skills or take it further (no skills but whom they are) that they would also be grateful for. Time itself, love or the merit of freedom and exploration, among them.

My point is any child will turn into an adult who pursues excellence in whatever they deem, whether it's waking up with a grateful attitude, enjoying the friends in their lives, or editing a book or whatever it is, if they are given sufficient time to value time itself, they will always value LIFE. It's not the action I take issue with. It's the age at which we introduce these things, the time and money debt we go into FOR them, and the ingrained beliefs behind them spurred by fear we don't even recognize we have. That niggling voice that says, "Will my child survive?" "Will they have what it takes?" "Will they 'succeed'?" "Will they be happy?"

Why don't we just allow what IS now. Give them basic skills and opportunities in daily life for problem solving and love of life? The truth is they may not make it into adulthood despite our best efforts. Or the most well balanced, educated child can still turn into an unaccomplished, unhappy adult. A babe who had a disability will STILL have a disability  in what culture is in majority, but that does not mean they are not worthy. We do not have to make up for what the world sees as lack. Because it's not true. We can rest in that perspective. We need to avoid marginalizing of course, but we also need to allow WHOM a person IS. There is a balance to strike between facilitating challenge and promoting self acceptance. We simply have to perceive another way and show that by acknowledging the difference, validating it, working around what needs to be to survive but also allowing what IS.

Will my children be better because I pick this mentality? Nope. They will have their own struggles and successes. Also life happens and is unpredictable...who knows about their future. But right now, they ARE and that matters. Letting go of outcomes but embracing the advantages when they happen too matters. Plus, it's easier for my husband and I to give them time when we are not running around. Part of our life enjoyment is loving the time with our kids. So it is also serving us.

It's good to value a privilege. It's also good to have a few obligations for the sake of a successful society. But there are many good things we do not have to continually participate in. What matters is what we choose in the end. Mostly, WHY we choose what we do. Sign up the kiddos for some fun. But even if they are asking for something, it does not mean they need to do it. My children have asked to participate in one particular event for years. But we can't afford it in our lives thus I have given them other privileges or opportunities that give the same attributes of growth within our own means and level. Each time I tell them no their faces fall for a bit, and they still ask at times, but they are given reasons and alternatives...I have heard that people are concerned that maybe I am allowing them to miss out on being a world class star in that form. So what? In reality, is a world class star happier? Maybe because they are doing something they love, but can someone love their ordinary bliss just as much? Deconstruct it further... Your own conclusions will lead your heart home. It may look differently from my choices...you may still choose the violin, the ballet, the soccer or the language lessons...hopefully not all at once, but that is your choice. Just ask yourself why, why, why? My son loves languages for the love of them and engages on his app. Maybe he will be fluent one day, maybe he will only know a few words, maybe he will forget them all. If our world suddenly switches to a different language he does not know, I am not worried. He will learn it. Life may be tougher because he doesn't know it for awhile, but the beauty about humans is we adapt. I want him to savour whatever IS. What is it you want for your children deep down?

Song choices: Bloody well right- Supertramp. Follow your Arrow- Kacey Musgraves

Loving the Loner Life, Happy Hermit, Revelling Recluse and Enneagram 4 with 5 Wing.

The general population is made up of Extroverts, Guardians, and Artisans. Our culture implies it is normal to be politically, economically, socially and spiritually 'connected' to be 'healthy.' Often the definitions of Recluse, Loner or Hermit can be a mixed bag of typically negative assumptions. Thus my main motivation in writing this post. 

My favourite slang dictionary is the Urban Dictionary. It has fun little assumptions mixed in with the current understanding of lingo today. For instance, the top voted definition for Recluse (CLICK) is "Often times a person who rather than being crazy, is merely beyond tired of and fed up with the blatant narcissism, rudeness, ignorance, stupidity, cruelty, fakeness, hatred, etc. of the human race and chooses to detoxify themselves from the vices societies are swimming in to a greater extent than most. Often times recluses have been known to possess extraordinary genius, talent, and/or vision often mistaken as abnormality and eccentricity by the adherents of a culture's status quo. Standard Sheeple #1: "My brother's wanting social life is an embarrassment to our entire family when we all get together for Super Bowl Sunday and he never shows up. An antisocial recluse the man is." Standard Sheeple #2: "Dude, what's his problem? If our brainwashed, plastic, shallow, unhealthy, overly-indulgent, mindless, vacuous, and materialistic culture isn't good enough for him then maybe he should go see a shrink and get on some pills to set him back in line with the rest of us normal and adjusted people."

This quote by Mark Twain resonates,"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority - it's time to pause and reflect." Or Bertrand Russell's,"Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric."

I get a kick out of the Urban definition above. I relate to most of it. I enjoy the biting sarcasm because my harmony co pilot would never allow me to make a statement like that without thoughts of hurting people, but I do THINK stuff like that sometimes...and then I re balance myself. This fact is probably why I blast John Lennon's 'Gimme Some Truth' when I am frustrated, singing at the top of my lungs, "I'm sick to death of  hearing things from uptight, short sighted, narrow minded hypocrites... seeing things from tight lipped, condescending, mamma's little chauvinists." After I calm down, I correct my thinking to embrace all perspectives because perspectives is my driving thought process as an INFJ.

In the end, I come out with the conclusions that each of us need to live our own stories within our personalities while still challenging and growing our best selves. However, I savour being a recluse. "Don't worry about making waves simply by being yourself- the moon does it all the time."- Scott Stable

I want to make it clear that I am harsher on society as a whole than individual people. This sums it up well, " INFJ- INFJs try very hard not to be judgmental towards others. They often judge themselves much harder than they do others, and have a way of being very hard on themselves. INFJs do not want to be seen as judgmental, and have a strong distaste of causing others pain. The only time an INFJ may appear judgmental is if they see that someone is going to hurt themselves or others. Their intentions are purely to help the other person, but people often misunderstand where the INFJ are coming from. INFJs have a strong intuitive sense and often can predict when someone is going down a bad path. Their attempts to reach out to those people, are not from a place of judgment but rather caring. INFJs are more judgmental towards society as a whole than they are towards specific people. They can often see the good in people, but become angry towards the way society behaves." (found HERE.)

How do I manage to live a hermit lifestyle emerged in town life and a family system? I realize I have a unique way of living. Other than my children, husband and best friend I can go weeks without seeing any other human. I stay in my home a lot. When I go out, I generally know which places to go to avoid socialization or recognition. I don't include my children, husband and bestie in my definitions of socialization. To me they are just the fabric of my existence and the needed support in my life. In that I am not completely a hermit but I am a loner (click- love this definition too!) I don't need anyone, including my inner circle, to validate my existence. I KNOW I am worthy to exist.

I know what I am about. That said, I do need support. I have a sage like presence in my life that I see once a month for balance. I keep the general appointments that are needed to run a basic family. My children see the Dentist, Doctor, Ophthalmologist, Therapist, friends and extended family. (I unschool my children.) However, I make sure that I schedule these in such a way that they are often all in the same week so that for months on end I can be alone. Or I delegate someone else to deal with it. I make myself scarce. For friendships in my children, I often have the friends to our house, so that I can still be in my own world but arrange social interactions for the kids when they need them. Baruch Spinoza wrote,"The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become a lover of what is." I find this true. I LOVE what IS, because I understood what I need to be me.
"I love the person I have become because I fought to become her"- Kaci Diane.

I LOVE this (click) definition of Hermit: "I don't know how a Hermit is synonymous with loser or lazy but whatever. Anyway, Hermits are people who tend to not want to socialize with other humans all the time. Most spend their entire lives wandering the planet. Like they do tend to make friends, and associates, and can pretty much network with anyone, but they choose not to go any further than a hollow friendship. Though they do run in to the best Platonic relationships. Hermits, and loners are not socially inept, but hermits tend to not like to stay in the same place for very long....Thus not permitting the time it actually takes to be in some kind of crappy group or something like that. Hermits are alone. Though they are alone they have no problem with socializing with people, but they chose a life that leaves them alone."

I can network with anyone if I wish to. I realize in order to BE, I have to have some basic interactions. I also see the privileges this day and age brings, wherein my monastery is technically online. My fellow monks that I see from time to time are on my social media. I don't need to walk miles to see another person. I don't have to wait for dedicated silence days to be over to interact if I wish. I simply don't wish to socialize with many people. I like to stay in the same place because of sensory issues but I travel in my mind. I value rootedness. I choose a life that requires many to jump through hoops to get to me. This sways most of the population, which makes me very happy. 

Many assume that loners or the like have given up on humanity. Which could be true in some cases, but generally it's the opposite. Most like minded individuals I know carry deep burdens for society. We are generally Humanitarians. We use our writings to try to make change, garner self acceptance, or validate messy existence. Not all of us are this way of course, but it would be just as ridiculous to assume we are all lazy, self absorbed and unbalanced. 

"A Hermit is someone who enjoys doing things on their own away from groups. Hermits are always busy with so many things they want to do on their own that they rarely make time for social gatherings. Many have high IQ's and are bored and unchallenged in social settings. They want to do what they want to do. Uninterrupted and unbothered. Often driven and very successful in knowledge and achievements in science & arts & philosophy (think Einstein)~ For instance hermits prefer reading a book on the beach then chugging beer at a beach party. ~ They would prefer Riding a horse in the mountains to going to a camp sing-a-long. ~ Internet classes instead of a campus. ~ Cooking a gourmet dinner for a romantic date instead of Going to a Restaurant. ~ Internet surfing instead of myspace/twitter. Albert Einstein Quote: "Solitude is painful when one is young, but delightful when one is more mature." " (taken from HERE.)

That list is a huge reflection of my preferences. It can also be a list for most introverts too, who may not be at a level of loner that I may be, but can still relate. There is Introverted and then there is being a Recluse. I choose voluntary seclusion for many reasons. I am not a complete Misanthrope but I agree with some of the philosophies. For instance "Martin Heidegger had also been said to show misanthropy in his concern of the "they"—the tendency of people to conform to one view, which no one has really thought through, but is just followed because, "they say so". This might be thought of as more of a criticism of conformity rather than people in general. Unlike Schopenhauer, Heidegger was opposed to any systematic ethics; however, in some of his later thought he does see the possibility of harmony between people, as part of the four-fold, mortals, gods, earth and sky." 

I don't buy into one philosopher completely, Heideggar has some aspects I disagree with but his criticisms of conformity are valid if separated from his misguided political ideals. For myself, there are parts of society I completely reject, many I accept for others but not myself, and moments I participate in. I have mystical thoughts spiritually but I am not completely a mystic. 

I also have psychological reasons why I do not participate. Autism affects the sensory social and obviously plays a part but I can honestly say it's a lesser reason than those cited above. Awhile back I was out in a group setting that wasn't my immediate circle or of my making. By the hour mark I was dizzy and exhausted. By the hour and half I was thinking of escape routes because I thought I would throw up. I had to leave. As soon as I came home I felt fifty percent better. After two hours at home I almost became myself again but it took a full night to recover. But sometimes for others- this is WORTH it. Sometimes it is not. I choose it so I have to choose the consequences. I am honoured to be invited and if I accept- it means I am willing to suffer some uncomfortable moments. Sometimes even if someone enters MY house it takes me a couple hours to not feel sick after or calm down. It depends on the day. Some of this is being physically ill of course, but this is the sensory aspect of socialization I despise. Yet if this factor was taken out I would still choose to be alone most of the time.

Personality also contributes to my loner state. Being an INFJ, I have less of an inclination to be part of the masses but a huge inclination to heal when I am able to. I take on people's energies. It sounds frou frou to anyone who is not an INFJ but read up on the type and you will understand why this is. My Enneagram 4 with a 5 wing also explains this well. I have the odds stacked against me to be individual and alone...autism, INFJ, numerology, scorpio, 4/5 wing (with the exception that I am not lonely because I have a built in family system in my home and online)....in everything I score the individualist and loner. It seems to be my lot and of course I am happy with that.

I can give you a hint to my inner world (because all of this really just skims the surface) by telling you my favourite philosophers. Aspects of self and certain priorities often are shown by people's favourite writers, philosophers ect. A brief skimming list of my top favourites include Alan Watts, Epictetus, Friedrich Nietzsche, Baruch Spinoza, Hipparcharia, Albert Einstein,  Bertrand Russell, Simone De Beauvior, Auguste Comte, Jean- Paul Sarte, Michel De Montaigne, J.K Rowling (yup BRILLIANT fellow INFJ), Anais Nin, Shakespeare, Rainer Marie Rilke, Walt Whitman...ok I added a few Humanists but they can cross over into philosophy. Even those who think they are against philosophers, engage in philosophy from time to time. Philosophy literally means the love of wisdom and covers topics from ethics, thought, existence, values ect. and how we engage with philosophical material can uncover layers of self. My ultimate preferences run along the psychological and sociological but philosophy is obviously part of that. I mentioned it because it helps to give a fuller picture of values.

To some, my existence is assumed as "nothing" simply because I am unencumbered by events. While it is true I have immense freedom on any day to do essentially anything I want besides basic need requirements (like schooling my children, essential chores, nutrition ect.) I AM still DOING stuff. I feel my time is full, but in a way that can be changed and is not dictated by any time or person. Minus the times I have to attend essential appointments. I am sometimes baffled how people run around without personal autonomy to "essential" things. They say they have a choice. That they can stop if they wish. They tell me they are exhausted or stressed or way too busy. That they wish things could just slow down. I look deeply, and for some they THRIVE off of this. For others, they truly believe they can't step off the treadmill. Others do not know how. Others believe it is adding something essential to them or their children. They believe they enjoy it and do not believe they can find alternatives to enjoy. I understand because years ago I was there. It took so many little decisions, strong boundaries, using the word NO a lot, contempt from others and distance to get to where I am today. Not many want or or need to be here. But I did and do. 

Kids don't need the 'socialization' we assume to be 'fun' and 'essential' to be whole. The study of other cultures show us many different ways of being to contradict these assumptions. Soccer can be enjoyed with a small group if wished. Swimming can be taught at a local swimming hole or pool with the guidance of a parent and does not have to be streamlined, categorized lessons. Organized anything can be substituted with creative solutions. Experiences can still be enriched and enlivened without. But that is a whole slew of posts and is covered by intelligent authors more suited for the job than I.

The only aspect of social gatherings that challenges me is the sensory overload. My challenges of person hood and spirit stem from writings, readings, one on one conversations with those in my path, and the uninterrupted passage of time. Time teaches.

I admit I have a stubborn streak too and want to do what I want to do. I come by this well. I see generations of wanna be hermits in my past. My paternal grandmother has some deep friendships and lovely gatherings but she LIVES for her alone time. She gardens, reads, goes to movies by herself and generally leaves her day up to her needs and whims. She is intellectual and Sage. She engages in aspects of science, philosophy and the arts. Those are also some of my favourite genres to teach my children and read up on.

Obviously those who are not Hermits can engage in similar pursuits. It simply is tougher to find the time within society's constraints. Also, there is only so far one can go while meeting other obligations. Perhaps a personality who is amazing at getting things done could meet societal obligations while also doing their own thing, but then we are not really talking about being Hermit or Loner anymore but instead achieving. Achievements are not high on my list. There is a difference between doing art, science and philosophy simply for the fact of engagement, and doing them for the IQ, social status, business swapping or the recognition. I couldn't care less about those factors which involve others defining. I also realize I come from a place of privilege to be a hermit financially. 

Only those who know me will get that this is not a judgment on others. My choosing is highly individual. Being an INFJ, I can separate myself from my own inclinations to understand the perspectives of others. It's funny though how many people feel judged simply by my existence. Maybe because I made the tough choices and it seems easy? Maybe because I make them squirm with a few observations? Or piss them off because I am so contrary to the majority or their own choices? In general, a person like myself is not well liked. Good thing being liked by those not directly in my love path isn't high on my priority list eh? I realize it can sound pompous and while I do think self importance is healthy I have the contradictory questioning side too. "You'd lose your mind trying to understand mine."- Anonymous. Pretty much. I ALMOST can't figure out myself with my contradictions and paradoxes. Almost. I usually can eventually unravel it. In the end, I write my truths for me. I am not out to PROVE anyone wrong or right. That is the difference. I know many who force their lifestyles and beliefs on others. I may write strongly about mine but I dare not subject people to my versions. The world needs a certain level of conformity, institution, tradition and community minded people to give it what it is. They, in truth, also enable me to be like I am, to a certain degree. And in my own way, I (along with other deviants or minorities) also give them the driving need to dictate what needs to be done. Plus, I simply value choice. 

My point is that this is MY story. While I do see aspects of this that could benefit change in society, like less priority on organized functions, I also realize this would never work for everyone. Our children need less pressure, less running around, less of the mommy and daddy achievements forced upon their little bodies and more time in nature, more time imagining, more free time to be bored, and more time to BE. However, the picture should be individualized based on needs, personality ect. I know I don't have all the answers, but I have a few for myself and my family. I don't care to be right. I care to understand. That is the core of my BEING. My husband laughed at all of this and said, "No wonder people are intimidated by you. It takes a brave soul to approach you. You send out those vibes of Scorpio, INFJ, and all that entails- Back off..." I don't mean to be that way or send out any sort of boundary vibes...the natural way I am tends to have this side effect.

If you are an extrovert who enjoys your social interactions- celebrate that! If you are a person who loves organized sports because of team aspect or whatever- go team go. It's important that we look into what matters to us and WHY so that we are not mindless drones of society, but it's equally important to find joy, meaning and a sense of BEING in what we do. This mostly comes out of knowing thyself. I know I am a lover of the loner life, a happy hermit and I revel in the recluse existence. I am also deeper and more intricate than those generalizations but it's a start to my healthy days.

*My life has immense freedom in my days but I also have committed to a few key aspects of living that are crucial to me. Those commitments are also my freedom ironically. My family, the way we are in educating, eating, wisdom pursuits and enjoyment....my husband, children and those directly in my path. Everything else is up for debate. My point is commitment is also freeing and gives a path worthy...but the rest of the societal commitments? It's individual and could go either way:)

Post EDIT to those that know me: I don't want friends or relatives I have not engaged with in awhile to read this and think they are not welcome in my home. Generally I prefer my home to be the place to engage in, but that said, it is nice to be able to end something when I need to, when I go out. I have had to become more comfortable with not asking people to stay longer out of politeness and allowing them to leave when they suggest it. My natural inclination is to offer them to stay longer. My husband is teaching me otherwise. Health wise I pay for anything later than 10:00/10:30 at night. There are exceptions to this like my cousins and close personal people who are asked to stay over. I DO enjoy people in my home, offering comfort ect. It depends on the person and my mood and health. I love watching movies and episodes because it passes time with someone without the obligation to talk for long periods or have undivided attention. Certain people are easier to have in my home because they allow me to be comfortable enough to change plans, be honest or leave me to my own bits of time when I need that. Anyway, if I invited you- it's authentic. If you receive regular emails or updates, every one of my videos, or instagrams of me- or emailed blog posts:) you are obviously considered one of my tribe. You don't need to worry about my loner ness affecting how I regard you. I will be honest, genuine and true to you. If I have initiated- it means something- to either my husband or children (whom I sacrifice some of my ideals for of course) or myself. My son was concerned I would isolate all my friends by writing this to which I told him I have a post edit plus those that know me should not feel isolated by me:) My theory anyway.

 Song Choice: Kacey Musgraves- Lonely Weekend

American Idiot- Green Day

Home Making, Travel Mentalities, and the Beauty of Hearth and Home

"Homemaking is surely in reality the most important work in the world. What do ships, railways, mines, cars, government, ect. exist for except that people may be fed, warmed, and safe in their own homes? ...The homemaker's job is one of which all other's exist."- C.S. Lewis.

If you are new to my blog, please know I am a feminist. The definition of 'feminist' means many things to many people. My definition is that men and women deserve equal chances at life, love and respect. Women get to contribute and write the history books now too. Little boys are just as important as little girls and both should be regarded with dignity. With that in mind, I don't believe home making is just for women. My husband gets a lot of satisfaction from making our home. He is a master carpenter whom has carved out a library out of two previously small rooms. He has renovated and designed. I am the master designer of our home because that is where my gifts lie but if I didn't have Dyspraxia (see side labels) and more strength I am sure our roles could be reversed. 

Our home is a place for us to gather in dark times, to find ourselves, and to BE. A house with love in it IS rich indeed. Anam Cara is a magical safe haven of hope. Mostly because of the creative souls that live inside. Our house used to be a standard box inside with taupe walls. Because of our infusion of creativity and handwork it has morphed into a colourful indoor garden and outside is shaping up to be full of life and plants too. It has taken time and stress but time and stress I would gladly sacrifice again because most of the process was a family event of time spent together. (See Anam Cara side label for more.)  I have lived in a house full of toxic mould and I do know that stepping into healthier places DOES matter, yet, even in that home we found ways to make it as beautiful as it could be. We are healthier now but it had moments and beauty that we still carry forth. A house, at it's core with love needs to reflect the personalities of the people involved. I know the ugliest house could eventually be made beautiful by us. It's about love. It's about perspective and the little souls inside. I love the life we have built. I don't need much and yet it is everything.

I know that many children do not get to experience safe, nurturing homes. First parents need to find home within themselves before they can provide a haven for children. There are many factors involved that sociologists have studied and personality and psych also come into play (see some book titles are in my library or discover some of these themes on your own:)  I am not going to cover that home can be a terrifying place. Instead, how we have made our home making part of our healing.

When I was a little girl I dreamed of having my own epic love story. I can honestly say that dream came true. Our love has been full of battles and gruelling journeys but it also had the elements of true love, falling back into the love, beautiful moments of celebration and adventurous excitement. It hasn't been easy but I think most epic love stories aren't too easy. There are delicious moments of ease mixed into the tiring steps of life. LIFE...What a word packed with paradox!

I have three children who spend almost all their time at home around me. A healthy way (I believe) to be. Of course they go out into the world at times but they flourish at home. Right now are the years I cherish. "So darling, though the years with all my love I'll pray, a house with love in it is where we'll stay."- Nat King Cole -A House With Love In It.

I have never been a personality that needs to find myself only through physical exploration or experience the world to be respectful of differences. Every place/country I had travelled, I felt like I had already "been there." I think I have in my imagination or through knowing other people and their stories. In the "Secret life of Walter Mitty" the cinematography was beautiful, the Himalayan line was well done and the ending (although expected) was beautiful but there was this underlying assumption that one has to travel to find meaning. Or that daydreaming needs to stop for one to "live their life." My guess is that the critics who enjoyed it immensely are the ones who have 9-5 jobs that do not suit their personalities, Type A's or Sensors. None of these are horrid things to be, but they do influence the story. To see the difference between a sensor and intuitive see the graph below:

See why most sensors need to travel more? There are certain types of Intuitives that need adventure too and those are the ones with adventure in one of their main driving seats (like an INFP or ENFP) but most of them COULD have the adventure of the mind and still feel satisfied. I have two friends who loved 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.' Both are more imaginative and interesting people. They were so touched with the ending that they really enjoyed the film. I can understand that.

Our culture has a bit of an obsession with travel. An element of education can happen through travel but I know many people who have travelled who have dis -ease with their lives, unfulfilled love,  and lack of rooted being. There is beauty in travel. There is beauty in rootedness. There are benefits and downsides to everything. To celebrate one over another or to think one is more educated is simple snobbery.

I am an Intuitive. I also have sensory overload and other limitations. Thus my travelling days are probably small in number. I don't believe rootedness is the only way to BE but rootedness has given me my best shot at life. Just like, I am sure, travel would for others. Even though I have been to many places  that DID shape me, I find I am most educated through my rich imagination, my books and the people I choose to love...along with loving myself. I am educated by being in nature and that does not mean having to travel to find certain nature scenes. The world is full of wondrous beauty but I don't need to own all of it or be in all of it- to feel it. All it takes for me is to sit outside on my deck and smell the wild roses, see the grasses sway, hear the bees buzz and the frogs in the marsh croak...and I KNOW I am connected to each creature in a beautiful way. The earth is often an equal partner in community as people are.

For my persona, I am the most delighted by the home fires. I used to feel so guilty for this. I am in the minority. But as we severed roots of conformity and began new roots of being and putting our blood into our very surroundings, I began to understand that it is just who I am (and we are right now.) As I have said before in other posts, your story SHOULD and WILL be different in many aspects. Find what works for you. Part of my story is influenced by a different brain wiring perspective, part of it is due to native and gypsy roots. (Ironic? Travelling in mind is similar to travelling in body. The spirit IS.) Many places have different energies/ sensory perceptions...and it is ok if I protect what is my space with energies I can handle.

In his early twenties my husband craved travel but then he discovered books, philosophy, gardening, carpentry, film and connecting with a variety of other people and beliefs through the Internet. Now he is similar to me regarding travel. He prefers day trips and coming back to our beautiful home and yard.

In "Eat Pray Love" the author went travelling to find herself. I understand that some people need a different place to displace them out of their self made boxes. Travelling pushes us out of our bodies and out of our time which triggers our brain waves into different thinking patterns. This is important but it's folly to have the expectation that only travel can achieve the same result. My brain does a similar process with one sensory trigger.

Like certain gifts, some people have the gift of being culturally transient. They need to use that. However, travel has been idealized in our movies as the only well informed education - probably a good tactic to boost economies and world trade. It's a myth that a well travelled person is a well balanced and sophisticated person. It solely depends on the person. Travel can be a tonic but at the end of the day each person is still the sum of their choices and their wiring...it's like a car getting a new coat of paint. It's still the same car. It still has the same engine but it is just shinier for a few years longer. Perhaps people may be more drawn to the car for awhile because people are awed by shiny things but in the end it's still the same vessel. All vessels crave or benefit from a needed rest or change. That is beauty. It is to be respected. Paint is pretty. If travel is your beauty or your need to propel you to greater possibilities of self- go for it. Beauty is integral to BEING. There are many ways to incorporate beauty and meaning into life. Travel can bring beauty but so can staying rooted.

I am basking in the comforts of my home and our own little slice of heaven. It's good to be home. Home is like the Anne of Green Gables theme song. I have been healed by many people, circumstances and environments in life. Our home has been the largest part of our healing. My husband and I pour ourselves and the very fabric of ourselves into the spaces we live in. By breathing our life out we bring life back into our soul.

Upon walking into our home for the first time the most common phrase I get is, "I have never seen anything like this...it's like comfort and magic." I had one lady tell me, "I have been to sophisticated homes and places enriched with wealth and I did not feel a sense of home or welcome. I walk into your house and I feel safe. Like I can say anything vulnerable and still be ok." Strangers have opened up. Friends feel welcome. People sense our persona that we otherwise keep closely guarded out in the world. A Lord of the Rings fan told me my favourite compliment once, "Your home is Rivendell or Lothlorien. You are lady Galadriel - terrifying and mysterious to most but to those whom are welcomed in- a healing presence. A magical stop in a crazy, busy world. It's almost otherwordly- your views and the way you take a normal home and change it.” My hope is that everything slows down once inside and the beauty around is infused with grace. (And yea, I got choked up with that compliment.) To be seen so clearly is one of the most beautiful human interactions. Even for a moment.

Our soul friend - Anam Cara- is our home. By home making we find our meaning, our main job, and the beauty in our existence. When one is lost- the heart leads one home. Home can be a person too and a feeling. I take our home with us when I go out. A home's literal, physical importance is underestimated in the busyness of life when people only spend minimal hours of sleep between four white washed walls. That is not home. It is a place to rest between the daily grind, and while that is important, it's no wonder so many feel that something crucial is missing from their lives. We all don't need magical places or amazingly designed homes, but a place that has parts of our personalities and reflections of ourselves, care of the earth, care of what we own, and the cultivation of the living beauty of life- is an important element of life.

Playing pretend when I was little was one of my favourite past times. I would play many scenarios in which I found my man or that I rescued him or he rescued me. I spent hours making up magical places, creating in my playhouse and dressing up. I role played, talked to the stars in the night sky and creatures in the moss. Daydreaming, listening to music or watching my 1940's 'friends' on film were some of my favourite pastimes. I wasn't a typical child. I was basically Sara Crewe. At times my dad was concerned I was living too much in fantasy or through someone like Judy Garland whose voice I could mimic down to perfection. Something my best friend would consistently request me to do and my mom constantly got me in trouble for ("Stop singing through your nose!") I almost thought I was meant to be in that 1940's timeline. Now I see that I was just very intuitive, imaginative and used my mind to escape conformity around me. I didn't fit in even though I could easily pretend to be normal. I also had sensory assaults that felt like trauma. Now I don't pretend anymore but I do still imagine (although yes I do play at being normal in situations where it is a necessary way to cope or be able to come home quicker.) I learned my limits, how to cope with the sensory, and how to sever ties with conformity happily.

I can honestly say I have lived a full life already and all my dreams have come true but I would not have said that ten years ago. I could die tomorrow happy with what I have. Not that I want to  leave yet as I would love to continue to live what I have and be with my husband and children. I DO still imagine, travel in books and film, and soak up the world in daydream like states. I fly to worlds on a whim or become a different character for awhile. I was excited the other day when I came home from one of my favourite stores with some new treasures. My daughter took one look at my pile of stuff and laughed, "You are so cute mom- so influenced by what we watch. All this stuff is Japanese -like design - home decor similar to stuff in the 'Avatar' or 'Legend of Korra'." (We are currently enjoying an anime series that is Asian in theme.) I didn't even see that my choices reflected that influence and I had a theme going but I love that I brought another piece of the world's beauty into our home reflection. My daughter was perceptive and once again the Rory to my Lorelei.

Heaven is waiting for me, my friend. Every moment of my life- it's waiting for me to take notice. Small moments of existence are heaven. Home surrounds with warmth, love, delight, peace, beauty, compassion and allowance of all expressions. I can be messy, crazy or any sort of negatively sanctioned action in our culture with acceptance in my home. I can weep, sing, dance and laugh. I can chant, pray or do whatever. I can lose myself and find myself. I can give the same gift to my children and husband. In small ways we also give that to those that are allowed to enter our haven. That freedom is a gift. It feels like home.

"Hold on to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble—it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Oo-oo-oo-oo [2x]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. Aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [4x]

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home" Lyrics by Phillip Phillips Home. This song has a particularly special place in our family's hearts... a few stories for the future but for now- enjoy the listen! Louis Armstrong 's Home Fire is one of my favourites from childhood and it paints a beautiful picture. Dream describes my life in many ways:)