Natural Health Brings Dignity Back to Women’s Healthcare.

(I'm using pictures from this Halloween to illustrate this post as I feel it oddly fits.)

"You could never know what it's like. Your blood like winter freezes just like ice, And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you, You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

I wish that PCOS-A New Diagnosis sounded as cool as Star Wars- A New Hope. Sadly my title does not beg the reader to ask for a prequel or sequel. But if I were to have a prequel to diagnosis, it would begin with an obsession with wanting to have another baby. To be exact it was almost a 13 year old obsession (since the birth of my last child) culminating in two years of deep depression and inability  to move onward. Finally, my husband and I decided to get started (for the fourth time in a decade) on the process which included an expensive procedure we had already saved up three times in the past for. This time was different though, because I had already crossed over the dreaded age of 34 into US standards of geriatric pregnancy. What a frightening term! (I found out later in Canada due to different populations, health care and stats, new doctors consider the age of 40 geriatric pregnancy but still! The term needs to change.) Testing my fertility and his was crucial.

I wish I could pretend that how women are treated in the medical system is all in my head. Especially when it comes to hormonal, cyclical issues, but my current blood work confirms, after years of complaints and being mostly turned down, that I was a legitimate case of needing help. Most of the time I was told I just had anxiety or that it was pointless to get tests. I was beginning to seriously doubt myself. I honestly began wondering if it truly was all made up. My resulting depression stemmed from feeling helpless, doubting my own intuition and gut, which led to me questioning if I even knew myself...an attribute I am proficient at otherwise.

I thought I had PCOS years ago but could never get a diagnosis....but for the new symptoms of high testosterone...Signs were everywhere. For instance, two years ago I finally had enough of the embarrassing hair growth on my chin and upper mouth, belly and feet. My husband thought the amount of time I spent plucking each day was ridiculous. Plus if I wanted to be hair free I also had to shave every single day. The upkeep was exhausting. So I saved and went to Electrolysis as part of my self care regime. She became a friend, someone I still look forward to seeing each month. A year into the treatment she was baffled that I was having new growth. She said it kind of reminded her of her Trans clients before the hormones evened things out. She suggested testing hormones. I told her they had tested a few basic ones and said I was fine.

My hair dresser often remarked upon my odd hair loss and thinning out which was ironic because the rest of my body hair loved to grow! But the hair I actually wanted on my head, brows and eyelashes rapidly thinned out. We thought it was just from low ferritin. Often my weight gain was blamed on lack of restraint by doctors. I was accused by a couple Dr's. that I was lying about not consuming sugar and eating mostly Paleo. Each appointment I was told to work out for 45 minutes despite insanely low iron. I was already doing thirty! It was insinuated that I must be cheating regularly or that I was lying about my treadmill time. I began to wonder why I could not get it right? What was the point? I would switch up my food choices, research different lifestyles of eating...sometimes lose 15 pounds only to gain it all back. I had a permanent 30 pounds more after my third child I generally fluctuated around.

"My voice drowned out in the thunder. But I won't cry, and I won't start to crumble whenever they try to shut me or cut me down."- Speechless lyrics Naomi Scott

The worst part was the anger. Two and a half years ago I noticed a switch in myself. Irritation and depression took turns being my primary emotions. No matter what meditation, positive thinking application, cognitive therapy technique or gratitude practice I tried, I still was regularly testy. Perhaps these practices enhanced my life and kept a steady balance to it all? Deep down I questioned, Was I becoming a monster? What was wrong with me? Maybe I was developing a new mental health issue? Who was that girl I heard snapping at the littlest annoyance?

"And did you think this fool could never win? Well look at me, I'm a-coming back again. I got a taste of love in a simple way. And if you need to know while I'm still standing, you just fade away..."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

There were other terrible symptoms ranging from pain, to loss to enlargement of my thyroid to thyroid nodules, to low iron to... the list goes on. I went to a few different doctors. Some did test my hormones. Five years ago my thyroid nodule was discovered which enabled some hormonal blood work. Most results were borderline or fine.

When I decided I may want to become pregnant, everything changed. While I am happy for women who need fertility support that they are treated this way, I am enraged that it took this for me to get a proper diagnosis. Shouldn't hormones be checked regularly when a woman comes in with complaints that can not be diagnosed?

"I won't be silenced. You can't keep my quiet. Won't tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless... Don't you underestimate me. Cuz you know I won't go speechless...Stay in your place better seen and not heard, well now that story is ending!...So C'mon and try to shut me and cut me down. I won't be silent."- Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

Also, I found out that testing blood on certain days of the cycle and times was CRUCIAL for accurate results. Most of the time the Doctors told me that would not matter. Suddenly, when it came to pregnancy it did. That was when I was flagged for high testosterone (which explained the switch in myself 2.5 years ago.) I was also flagged for low cortisol, lower thyroid, slightly lower progesterone, low ferritin again ... and the tests are still happening. How did this happen? The immediate diagnosis was PCOS. Addison's and other issues are pending confirmation.

"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did? Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. I'm still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

Funny enough, I also had to get a Naturopath to order the tests through a family doctor. Even when she initially consulted with me she opened with, "It is unlikely that you will have PCOS, which affect fertility as you do not present as the type, most are very heavy women who are obviously hairy and present a bit like a man, but we will test you anyways." When the results were in she remarked, "Wow, you're blood work shows the standard fluctuation in hormones for a PCOS woman. You will need at least three months treatment to get yourself in order before you can get pregnant. In pregnancy you will have to monitored and we will give you some natural progesterone which should help you retain pregnancy and the rest of the issues we can manage through supplements."

Later she confided, "Honestly, your obsession with wanting a baby may have stemmed from your body needing balance. A pregnancy if retained at this point would help you a lot. Your mind knew that. It's like women who crave chocolate who actually are magnesium deficient. As soon as their body has sufficient magnesium they are no longer craving chocolate. If we balance out your hormones you may not have a baby craving, but if you still desire to be pregnant, that may carry you through to menopause without the debilitating symptoms you are having now. That is not always the case but it can often happen if a healthy pregnancy and labour is achieved. "

If this part of the story was the riveting sequel, it would finally find me at a place where my life was given back as MINE to live. Walking out of her office, my self confidence, and my trust in my inner gut was restored. My intuition and inner knowledge of self was confirmed. My confusion cleared up. Despite having all the symptoms still I knew why and that information allowed me to make informed daily decisions. My creativity re surfaced two days after diagnosis. Long term goals were thought out more clearly. My baby obsession became a light, healthy interest. I was even able to put that decision easily on the back burner until I could see if the me, that would be brought back into myself from treatment, would even wish for a child.

Luckily because a pregnancy is still an option I am not being put on birth control pills which are the standard for treatment and often only band aid bigger issues and make things worse further down the road. My naturopath put me on natural androgen blockers as well as other supports. I checked with the one other Dr. I trust to give an opinion on the matter. He read the ingredients and said that some of them were given to men when they have enlarged prostates due to over aggressive testosterone and it should do the trick at lowering mine. Plus, the other ingredients naturally worked for balancing out other hormones. When the metabolic process is off in a body, many disruptions happen at a molecular level to cause chaos. My body can not regulate with a simple diet and positive thinking. Yes, both these attributes are large factors in chronic illness, but they are not the only way to manage.

"Now that story is ending..."- Naomi Scott Speechless

My Naturopathic Doctor also went over backlogged records of my blood-work. She would occasionally point out one and say, “Oh that November you must have felt like you were dying. That particular concoction of hormones make women feel they are slowly dying from the inside. Most doctors say it’s low normal for thyroid but it’s actually a slow functioning thyroid that when combined with other body systems creates a certain set of issues. It must have been heartbreaking to be told you were fine when you felt that way.” Or “This pattern here explains your constant low ferritin. Often that can happen with certain women in PCOS. Each manifestation is different but with heavy cycles and also your co diagnosis of Lyme and Celiac which often also go together- fits the picture.” And “ You must feel you are collecting diagnosis but don’t be alarmed as they all can often fit together. Unfortunately, after years of no support , the body can spiral into other conditions. Even though you have chronic/lifetime diagnosis we can actually get most symptoms on track and prevent other things you would be at risk for with PCOS like high blood pressure, certain cancers etc. by proper treatment.”

Last Autumn, I actually paid to take an in depth course on PCOS. The one Dr. that was actually on my team told me to look into it. Unfortunately, my blood work was done on the wrong day and did not show anything. It is crucial to be done around 8 am, preferably after fasting on days 18-21 of the cycle. Also to have fasting glucose done to rule out other conditions. *(There ARE different days for bloodwork. See Below)

"Once I never could hope to win. You starting down the road leaving me again. The threats you made were meant to cut me down. And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics

I was told time and time again that I did not "present" as a "typical PCOS" patient. Multiple Doctors told me I wouldn't have it because I was "too young," "too pretty," "too feminine," "not hairy enough" or "not overweight enough." All these statements sound flattering but they were condescending judgements. I did not look hairy because I had electrolysis and shaved every day! I present younger despite wrinkles and aging due to being an Aspie/ Autistic. I looked passable because I know how to put on make up and wear falsies. I seem feminine because my voice is higher pitched anyway so when it lowered, due to testosterone, it didn't seem significant. I am thirty pounds over what I should be for what I eat, my exercise and my lifestyle. It is perpetually aggravating to be SO restricted and not lose or have anything to show for it!

Honestly, I have let myself go to eat whatever the last month. In the last two weeks I have become slightly pleasantly plump as my daughter giggled when I asked her if I gained. Ha I trust my children to tell me the truth . For the first time I have allowed myself to be. It bothers me sometimes but in general, I feel awesome so that has to count for something! I have had ENOUGH of the assumptions of what it means to be a woman. I have had enough of the assumptions of what a capable, strong, beautiful woman should be like. Or what a sick woman should look like. It goes both ways. I will not conform to that standard. I never fit and never will. But just because I like to take care of myself and am aware of how I present, does NOT mean that my treatment should be ignored or I should be disregarded.

"Here comes a wave meant to wash me away, a tide that is taking me under. Swallowed with sand left with nothing to say, my voice drowned out in the thunder...written in stone, every rule, every word, centuries old and unbending. Stay in your place better seen and not heard but now that story is unending. Try to lock me in this cage - I won't just lay me down and die. I'll take these broken wings and watch me burn across the sky."- Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

If I could make any point with this post- it is for women to keep pushing, trust their gut, and it's sad to say, but if you are of the age when you can have a baby, and can not be taken seriously any other way, maybe consider it and go in for fertility issues to be checked. It sucks that it may come down to that for some women. Women are left in Menopause to deal with issues, when many of the symptoms could be supported. Just because it is natural process does not mean it does nor require different supplements, supports and strategies to re balance the body! Women's health care still has a LONG way to go. The injustices of how women are treated today (SEE THIS POST) should not still be happening in this century. Don't live unspoken! Let your echo never be silenced!

"I can't be broken. NO I won't live unspoken."- Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

PCOS is not a fun diagnosis. It's not curable in a standard way, though it can go into remission. It does higher the risks for some scary conditions later down the road. Yet, I’m happy with the diagnosis for one simple reason- I can actually trust my own process. My symptoms can be explained even if the explanation sucks sometimes. I can suffer the how better knowing the why. This is a game changer. The missing puzzle piece I have consciously and subconsciously been chasing for years is finally on the board with the bloodwork confirming high testosterone. It’s a new hopeful beginning.

Two weeks into treatment and my family expressed that I was a way nicer person. If I forget a pill, I feel it that day. Spearmint tea twice a day also helps lower testosterone and balance out androgen's. I feel back in a semi state of control over myself which induces calm. My creativity came back after a few days of diagnosis. Suddenly my brain didn't have to fight so hard to have me hear that there was a problem! My life was already accidentally magical, and I was grateful for it everyday, but often I still had a layer of unexplained irritation covering it. After diagnosis, my symptoms did not change, but I finally was able to explain my system to itself.

"Watch me burn across the sky!"- Naomi Scott Speechless.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe I will also have Addison's, a concern for low cortisol like mine, or any other myriad condition that is caused by hormone disruption. Maybe my ultrasound will pick up ANOTHER underlying cause? Maybe the pills will only work for a little bit. In a few years I could switch back to Estrogen or Progesterone dominance, as it is speculated that is what happened nearly a decade ago. That can happen in PCOS. The body is a strange and complex entity. Life is complicated with each new diagnosis, but it can also be simplified...especially if the person was already suffering without knowing why. All I know is that I will not go speechless on these issues. These broken wings enable me to burn across the sky. I won't be silent about the struggles specific to women and the discrimination and injustice that can happen.

"You know I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. And I'm still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind I'm still standing (Yeah yeah yeah). I'm still standing."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

I share this story for women everywhere to not doubt their bodies. Keep fighting. It took me more than ten years to be fully heard. Two of which I was asking every few months for answers! Depression is caused often by not knowing our bodies or why we are the way we are. Not everything should be blamed on anxiety or typical women's bodies....like we are just supposed to be messed up because we have a different hormonal concoction! We shouldn't just accept birth control as the only treatment. We shouldn't have to deal with insane periods or menopausal issues...just as we should not have to put up with sub standard care in labour and delivery. Most of our Women's health issues require revision. Find alternatives. It is worth it to pay for a Naturopath if you can save up to afford it. It took me a few different tries to find the right one for me, but it was worth the search. Don't give up on yourself.

I also ask that men, if they are reading this, to revise their opinions on Women's bodies. Especially men in the medical world. The women in your world will thank you for understanding the complex ways in which hormones can affect whom they are and what they do.

"Let the storm in. I can not be broken. No I won't live unspoken. Cuz I know I that I won't go speechless." Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

My life is back. I looked back over the last few years and issues that baffled me now make sense. I am finally free of self doubt. I may struggle with general depression on the days that my symptoms win, but the depression that stemmed from doubting self was debilitating. I am so relieved that is gone from my life for now.

"I won't be silenced. Though you want to see me tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless. No I won't go speechless. Cuz I breathe when they try to suffocate me. Don't you underestimate me. Cuz I know that I won't go speechless...I won't be silent. Don't try to keep me quiet."- Naomi Scott Speechless Lyrics.

"Don't you know that I'm still standing better than I ever did? Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. And I'm still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics

Post Note: Days of the cycle vary for blood work. Overall blood work for hormones are day 18-21. (Practitioners differ on this- it worked for me but some say different days.) However, if Estradiol is the main concern day 3 after a woman's flow is the best. If DHEA is a concern (especially in combination with previous high Testosterone results) than a week before or a week after the first period day is best. Cortisol is best around 8 AM and 4:30 PM on the SAME day. It is also helpful to have ACTH done this way. Research your optimal days and even if it doesn't say it matters, try your best to get tested on the optimal days for optimal results.

This diagnosis was not 'new to me' at all but the confirmation of my concoction of hormones WAS. That was a big deal... I'm still being tested with more blood work and ultrasound ect.

Song Choices: Speechless by Naomi Scott. (Aladdin) And  Taron Egerton 's version of Elton John's  I'm Still Standing

Women's Equalization? Are we the Same or is it Better to be "Different but NOT Less?" Women's Health "Equalization"/ Autonomy and Respect.

"Oh you are a Feminist." I have heard that statement more times than I can count, and it is often accompanied by a tone of derision, from mostly men, yet on the flip side of the coin from strong, fellow women I have heard condescendingly, "You are obviously not enough of a Feminist." Which one am I?

I am what I am, a product of my body, hormones, genetic make up, choices, environment and so much more...

Recently, we had a study in our home and the topic of Women's Rights came up. There was back and forth between the males of the group and the two only females of the group which included myself. I find I am often the female minority in Philosophy groups- a point I am still curious of. Is it religious demographic or is it a larger question of female and male? I don't know. Anyway, at one point in the conversation I became fed up and interrupted with, "It's like what we advocate for in Autistic communities....Autism is DIFFERENT but NOT Less. As Autistics we do NOT want the same opportunities as "normal" people. If you put us in an extreme sensory situation we will not measure up. If we are required to give the proper eye contact and the same socially acceptable behaviour as our peers, we will probably not be given the job. What we need instead is greater understanding that although we may have differences and weaknesses in some areas, we will have strengths equal to or surpassing in others. The same should be said for women in general. While it is true that some women can be stronger than men, in general this is not usually the case. But just because we are not physically stronger, does not meant that we should not have the same freedom to try certain jobs ect.

"Different and not less" is about respect for the individual. It's about autonomy and the ability to choose the life that works for us. It is about the ability to bring our certain skill sets and be acknowledged for them or given the time and patience for us to prove our potential in outside the box ways. It's about defying societal expectations instead of conforming to them, but it's also about trying, in our own way to achieve societal contributions and acceptance. It's that fine line between the Yin and the Yang. And it's more work than just general social acceptance and pushing everyone to achieve the same goals.

In Women's Issues, I am getting frustrated because even though we have made substantial steps toward autonomy, the suppression of our clear differences is being affected during these marches to freedom. While there are exceptions to all things and ways of Being, in general, there ARE biological, physical, chemical, psychological, and physiological, differences between the male and female body. These should be celebrated instead of ignored. Also, they are an important part of health and functioning.

In our day and age we still do not talk about the complications of prolonged menstruation and women's health. Women are starting periods as early as 8 years of age and sometimes bleeding into their fifties. This time of menstruating is longer than anytime in history- especially without the multiple breaks of pregnancy that were part of life before this century (which obviously came with other serious health issues.) While the pill has been toted as the "miracle pill", many women are finding after years of being on BC their health problems come back worse and complications arise from long term use, even if they didn't get the horrid side effects that can accompany birth control. Long term effects like increased blood clots, cancer, early death, infertility, hormone imbalanced conditions, and autoimmune diseases ect. Women's health is under researched and not discussed often enough. Even saying the word "period" is often met uncomfortably from both men and women! Yet, the jokes of male anatomy are often met with snickers from all sides at the very least. Birth and menstruation are essential to human life, both male and female and should be an accepted part of conversation in all circles. Until we get to a point where the women's body is treated as more complex in medical situations and with the respect we deserve, women have a long way to go in "equality." Equality does not mean that our bodies should be given the same amount of time as a male patient's doctors appointment, it means we should be given a longer slot of time to be equal in treatment. Fair is not fair. Equality should mean that menstruation and it's potential health effects should be as researched as male pattern baldness even though the money is not in it.

An example of un-equal treatment would be how women are treated when they have heavy bleeding but refuse Hysterectomy, Ablations or the Pill. See THIS ARTICLE. Our system is Male centric. The female doctors that have dealt with my issues often do not have the same issues I do...I honestly believe most female doctors are in the percentage of women who have experienced light, normal bleeding because they probably wouldn't have had the time or energy to get to that position if they had heavy, iron depleted, menstruation month after month. It IS limiting. One in 5 women experience heavy bleeding or complications from their cycles. It is a pretty hopeless situation for those who do not wish to compromise their body with the effects from birth control or have an Ablation and Hysterectomy.

Personally, I know this to be true because I have also been treated with derision, condemnation and rudeness in multiple medical situations because I refused to go on birth control or to have an ablation. I have been heavily anemic for most of my life and have spent the last decade with a Ferritin ranging from 2-9 ( and never higher than 9.) I have been on birth control once and it made my issues worse and my bleeding lasted for months. After extensive reading, many anecdotal stories and the limited research on the long term effects on Women's health, I will never go back on it. That said, I do believe it has a place in society and that for a select few it is the best choice. The doctors are not kind when they realize you will not easily be fixed. It is rare to find a Doctor who advocates for root cause or takes the long term, long hours of digging and care to diagnose the complexity of women's health issues. I have also found women doctors to be especially unkind about this because if the pill worked for them, why wouldn't it work for me? Some of these same women march in Women's Rights rallies which I find slightly ironic. I guess I find acting upon beliefs in the day to day more substantial, although there is a place for marches too, but if we are going to march, we should know the full scope of women's experiences and engage in understanding.

THIS ARTICLE sites, "Recently, Hormones Matter has begun to explore the legalities of the medical informed consent, here and here. With all the adverse effects associated with endometrial ablation, especially the need for hysterectomy later, one must question whether women are informed about those risks. As I have found when investigating this topic, there are few long term studies on endometrial ablation. Many of the articles cited for this post come from paywalled journals that are not readily available to either the patients or the physicians – the costs are prohibitive for both. So it is not clear whether the physicians performing these procedures are aware of the long-term risks associated with ablation. And as one physician suggests, neither the pathologists nor radiologists responsible for diagnosing post ablation pathology are trained to recognize these complications. Without data or access to data and without training, one wonders whether it is even possible to have informed consent for a procedure like ablation." 

Why is it, that in 2019, we still do not have involved informed consent on Women's health procedures? Why is this so under researched? Why are Doctors so prone to slap a "hypochondriac" label or "Anxiety" label on women who are suffering with hormonal issues or bleeding issues that are legitimate and need new cures? Thus far, there are no long term cures for Endometriosis nor for PCOS or Hypothyroidism or many issues that mostly belong to women. We are in an age of scientific discovery and so called "rights" yet we have not even made huge strides in these areas. Or what about the scarily high rates of death and longe term affects in maternal health care? Yes, we have made large strides, and yet most causes of mortality or morbidity are from Doctors mistakes in the Health care system. See THIS, THIS, THIS, THIS and THIS article.

I hear men talk about abortion and the injustice of it and yet I do not hear them talk about the injustice of the rising mortality rate in pregnant women or infant death. Why is that? Every day approximately 830 women die of PREVENTABLE causes of death in childbirth. Until you can talk to me about that issue, I will not listen to arguments of equalization between males and females. Until you can discuss the 4.8 million (as of 2016) females and children being sold into the sex trades and the whopping 85% of women in domestic abuse situations as opposed (to the also sad statistic) of 15% men, you can not talk to me about abortions. 

In my personal birth experiences I had a doula twice to advocate for my rights, and in these situations my rights were still ignored in some regards. My body wasn't treated as my own in my first birth and I suffered severe post partum depression for years after, along with heavy bleeding for 12 weeks and health issues. Nurses were often worse then the doctors. It is a travesty that women are cold to other women and treat these tender issues between life and death as trivial. While birth is an everyday part of life, it is in no way trivial.

Having female genitalia and hormones IS different from having male genitalia and hormones. Equalization would not be fair. We NEED to be treated differently. But that does not mean that we should not have the same amount of opportunities that men have enjoyed in the past. We should have access to our own decisions, and the ability to make a good life, whatever that entails, with personal power.

With my anemia and blood loss every month, I could never hold down a regular job. Other women in my experiences have either understood that because they have been there too, or are generally pretty harsh about it. Are we not all on the same side? Should we not be fighting FOR each other instead of WITH each other? If I choose to stay home and have my husband work, and he is happy to do so, should that not be acceptable? (*If my daughter wants to work and is capable of doing so and her partner wishes to stay home, that should also be a right celebrated.) Am I not still working and still legitimate in the social order of things? If my husband protects me when I am vulnerable and bleeding and can barely get out of bed does that make me weaker or incapable of making my own decisions? Does it mean that he "rules" over me? I am proud that my guy feels compelled to protect me when I am physically vulnerable. FYI that physicality does not mean I am weaker, on the contrary I'd argue it makes me stronger in some aspects to deal with what I do and still BE, but it does mean he has different strengths I rely on during different parts of the month. And I have strengths and protect him in other ways. I want him to open the doors for me. I want to lean on him when I can barely make it to the next room because I am so depleted of oxygen and iron. I want him to advocate for me and stick up for me when the male or female doctors are not listening to me but they will listen to him. It doesn't make up for the injustice of the situation but I'm grateful he is around. And what of the women who do not have a stronger partner or advocate for them (be it male or female?)

When I am pregnant and I choose not to go to war, am I less than a man? If a woman wants to go to war for her country she should. But she is generally in the minority and I think that is ok. If we actually look at the health stats of women in general, we see why that is. Millions of women suffer from minor to major hormone and cyclical or pregnancy/birth related life complications. We ARE at a disadvantage this way. But we also BIRTH life and create in ways that men can't. Men are not less because they do not do this, and we are not less because we can.

Because my health issues are more complex in this female body I am housed in, am I less legitimate? If I am suffering and find myself at the mercy of the medical system to try to find the root cause is it just female hysteria? History says we have made progress, and certainly there have been baby steps, but personal experience along with a majority of anecdotal evidence, has proven we have a long way to go.

I do not want to be equal to a man in body. That's not how I was made. I know a few women who could possibly be equal in the hormonal concoction or perhaps in strength they surpass many men, but in general it is the exception and not the rule, so why are we advocating for this? It will do us a huge disservice. Many middle aged women are stuck between wishing to come off strong to maintain their jobs but also dealing with the hormonal affects of cycles and aging. Before this time men have been the majority in the work place and women have proudly and rightfully found their places, but now we have to ask ourselves, how do we make work places and society more women centric too? Not just females fitting into the male prototype of being able to be constant, instead of a woman who is cyclical and should be proud of her ties to the moon, nature and nurturing? Yes some women are not and that is okay too but for the majority who are - where is our cyclical society? Where are the peer reviewed studies on our long term health affects and hormones? Where are the damaging statistics on many of the archaic procedures and medicines still harming us? Where are the work schedules that allow for our cyclical flexibility?

Anytime this conversation comes up, a man usually brings up the subject of the "de- masculinity" of boys in our culture. While I do believe there are some concerns with the pendulum swinging too far the other way, due to our recent patriarchal past and rightful reactions to this, I still feel the same rule applies to men. I want my boys to be different not less. They can have whatever expression of their lives that they chose. And I wish for them to respect the women in their lives and be aware of cycles, changes and differing health concerns. I also want the women in their lives to respect their different struggles, strengths, health and weaknesses. I am not a man and can not speak for one. However I have and CAN advocate for my husband and boys in many situations. That is what I wish for them to also do for me. We are all human and in that we are equal. Yet, we all have our differences and in this time in history, it is important that we do not ignore these facts, while making crucial steps onward into growth and hopeful change.

Song Choice: Wonder Woman- Kacey Musgraves....I chose this out of a myriad of songs because of this lyric "Don't you know I'm only human? And if I let you down I don't mean to. All I need is a place to land, I don't need a super man to win my lovin' cuz baby I ain't wonder woman." And yes, that is it. WE are the human scope of brilliant diversity...yet we also have distinct challenges in our genetic make up that need to be acknowledged in places of health and the work place. It's complex, it's tricky and it involves the rights of many, but with a case by case approach and societal expressions of different NOT less, it CAN be accomplished. We all can rise to complex life challenges and come out celebrated. ( On a side note Congrats to Kacey for winning the Grammy's Album of the year as it is probably the record I have listened to over and over the most since I bought it the day it came out...YAY!)

Post Edit: I AM grateful for the tests, procedures and birth control we DO have, however in this time of history I think it is reasonable to push for advancements. The realm of Women's Speciality health is still fairly new and we have further to go. Birth Control pills gave us freedom and many countries could still benefit from remedying the lack, however, the side effects and the long term effects need to be more researched and I am SURE there are better alternatives yet to come! For those of us who do not have those options due to family history of blood clots or excessive bleeding or whatever, there should already be ongoing progress into alternatives (Depro Provera alone needs an entire post on it's own about it's dangers and research ect....) Another entire post could be on the comfortability and support during scary tests for women. We could also do better in this department even if it means a few more health care dollars thrown into cheery paint, waiting room art and kinder technicians...I digress because I could go on and on....:) 

The Difference Between A Blood level Ferritin of 2 to A Ferritin Level of 9. Envy, Gratitude, Friendships and the Surprising Benefits of LOW energy.

*In this post I speak about Ferritin which is different from standard Anemia of low Hemoglobin. Do a quick google search if you are looking for more information on this key definition.*

The difference between a Ferritin of 2 and 9 feels like being on the cusp of death and finally being able to begin to LIVE. (I will get into the actual medical details for any fellow sufferers later.) The operative word is 'begin.' I'm still struggling with many issues YET for the first time in months I feel a dangerous hope. To help people who have never struggled with Anemia or low Ferritin understand, here is the difference between a few tiny numbers of the stored Iron (Ferritin which is different from Hemoglobin numbers) in the body's blood system and what it can mean on a personal, outward level;

*I have begun to read again. I wasn't able to tolerate more than a few books a year (I have always been a voracious reader and was often able to gobble down at least four books a week. At least.) I remember my Ferritin getting to a 5 before. That year I was also able to read a few more books. I can also now read out loud a full chapter to my children without being drained or gasping for breath! When I am their teacher this is an incredible feat, and I have had to find creative ways of teaching the last two years and relying on other people. But now I am slowly getting back into reading. I can't do it regularly yet but I am beginning again. I treasure this! (My daughter snapped the picture above because she walked in with her ipad and called it a "Pinterest moment" after she captured it. I am so grateful to her because I felt frumpy and yucky and didn't want her to take a photo of me make-up less but looking at it from her perspective it truly was a beautiful moment I can now have to look at - and I LOVE how our moment was captured through her lens.)

*I borrowed a Treadmill from my parents and I can actually sustain a mild pace of walking for a forty minute episode of Glee. This feels like a HUGE feat. Before I could only walk fifteen minutes and had to lie down for an hour to recover. Before I felt like one more step and I could die. Possibly. For real. It was a dramatic feeling. At a Ferritin of 9, the mild treadmill pace ( I only average 2.5- 3.7 miles per hour) still feels quite fast and it DOES take it out of me, but it's a start. I feel accomplished. Moving around also helps in other ways and I feel honoured that I am finally able to take these literal steps.

*I feel I have a little more time for friends. Not much- but I do think I am initiating slightly more or thinking of others with small gifts or notes when I am able. I thought my Introversion was simply reaching epic levels. I was slightly worried for myself- not much- but a little on what it means to have no desire for anyone- even if I love them. Turns out the Ferritin has A LOT to do with this. Apparently, the Specialist says that I can not judge what my healthy normal is until I reach SEVENTY. Will I still be a hermit? Who knows. It's been a decade of declining levels. I will always be attracted to Hermit status, however, my tolerance for even the people I love was/is so so low. At a two, breathing was enough output for the day. Having to use words beyond speaking to my kids was exhausting. Texting often hurt. I hung on to my small Instagram like a lifeline and posted on there, because I could hit a core group of people I cared about with intimate details, in one go...It was my support and desperately needed...which brings me to my next point...

*I quit Instagram three days ago. My Ferritin reaching a 9 enabled me to form new habits and have the oxygen in my brain to implement. I knew something was different so asked my family doctor to do early blood work. I found out last night that it had increased to a 9. Which in hindsight explains a lot. Last week I made quite a few changes and I know this is not coincidence. I felt I needed a break from social media to figure out my new life choices, to get into new habits and because I was starting to feel frustrated with it. I go with my gut on these feelings. I allow myself to be flaky on certain aspects of life because as an INFJ I will often take the responsible, strict route. I may go back to Instagram eventually, or start fresh, or maybe I never will again, but I needed to take a break. I cried actually. It was hard. I still go to press the App ALL THE TIME. I think about what I could share or who would appreciate certain glimpses of my life. But then again, I have also had more time to recover, to process, and to give to new habits.

*I am eating LESS. Yup you heard right. For the last few months I was eating more than I ever did before, which my best friend still says is piddly, but I was trying to get energy hits. Coming off of Mono (That with the low Ferritin was enough to make my year akin to the year and life of a Zombie) I ate more chips and quick carb choices I normally would not eat because I was desperate for any sort of energy hit. It never worked but gave me an illusion of control. I gained even more weight. Which CAN be an issue with Anemia and especially low ferritin due to energy levels but also the fact that the Mitochondria are not getting enough oxygen to burn fat. (Short version.) At a 9, I am noticing a slight change in my energy cravings. I have hope that if I ever pass 20 I will feel like Superwoman!

*I have a little less ADD symptoms. I have ADD anyway. I was diagnosed years ago. I don't think it's relevant and believe it's just a secondary part of Autism. Plus, I manage it well. I'm quite self controlled...but I was unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. I still am at Hummingbird status, but I can now sit through some of my shows and only multitask for half of them instead of for the full episode.

*My words are beginning to come back. I thought I was in the beginning of Dementia. I watched the flick "Still Alice" and could relate to everything but the random wetting. It scared me. Often the words I want in life don't come to me, due to my different wiring, but losing words has been on an entirely different level the last few years. I tell my children to wash their arms because I can not remember the word 'hands'...and I know they will get what I mean. They have adapted to my weird language. Even in writing, where I tend to thrive, I will have to sit and think of an alternative word to the one on the tips of my fingers. Or I will have to google, "That thing that happens when you can feel air coming into the nostrils." I feel a hiccup of "I KNOW this word" but it won't form. For anyone curious about the result, the word was 'breathing.' I don't even have the right description in these moments and am amazed google tends to give me what I need regardless. This still happens to me regularly but I have noticed a tiny decrease in my need for translations.

* Every day no longer feels like Ground- hog day. For a year it felt like each day bled into the same day all over again. Even if I KNEW my life was beautiful and good, I could not shake this feeling. My husband told me he felt like that up until two months ago due to mono and his Mono began this time last year. Mine was diagnosed in February...so that sounds about right. Maybe this was a lack of Mono effects and not Ferritin improvement but it's worth a mention.

Brief Medical Background and Notes:

Since my youngest has been born (about a decade) my Ferritin has hovered around 3, often going down to 2, and sometimes going as high as 7...even with iron therapy. Awhile ago I saw an Internist whom was also a Hematologist. He was greatly alarmed at my "death like levels." His diagnosis of me was, "I think you have Fibromyalgia ( which isn't news as I was diagnosed with it twice in my early twenties) and if that lump in your neck you are ignoring- we will ignore too for now, because the most pressing issue for me is your Ferritin levels. I am surprised you have been functioning this long. I feel most of your symptoms come down to this. You should be on regular IV's and I will order the iron IV's after this appointment. If that doesn't work a blood transfusion. Most Doctors will say that Ferritin can range from as low as 12 to over a hundred. As a Hematologist who works with blood as my specialty I can tell you that we want you up to at least 70 and most people will not feel optimal until their Ferritin levels are well past this point. A goal for patients should be over fifty at the very very least. 12 is unacceptable. You are at a 2. I believe your issues of memory, lethargy, anger, gut and suffering of all general symptoms are increased by this low oxygen level inside of you." To which I replied, "That's validating and thank you. I have been told to do both the IV and blood transfusion before but am hesitant due to the side effects and my research- is there another alternative?" I don't think most doctors are fans of me...he finally consented to me going on a higher dosage of Ferramax (the type of expensive iron I tolerate best) for a trial of 2 months but if I did not show improvement I have to take the steps above without any choice.

I'm only 3.5 weeks in to my new regime and my Hemoglobin has raised from low into just the normal range and my Ferritin has gone from a 2 to a 9! NINE. I'm a little apprehensive to get excited about this because when I got to a seven before, despite valiant efforts it fell again to a 2. However, I am doing a few things differently this time. I am taking an absorption aid called BC-1 from my Naturopath under my tongue along with 'Medi C Vitamin C with L- Lysine formula." I admit the first two weeks I was "pregnancy sick."  I had a massive clawing in my gut, cramping and nausea all day long ( the worst being an hour after consumption.) I still deal with side effects but I am glad I stuck through the torture of adjustment. I still am not on the dosage that was recommended. I just can't tolerate it, but I am taking more iron on a schedule I can manage.

With my current levels I am no longer considered "Anemic"due to "normal" hemoglobin range yet because of my Ferritin levels, my Hematologist still considers me "in danger and serious." I no longer look at energetic people with envy. Because now I understand how they have energy. The difference from a 2 to 9 put this into perspective. It feels like when the Doctors put the oxygen nose tube on my face and that extra boost of relief in the very cells of my being. I know without a doubt, when people without chronic illness or health reasons, complain about being tired, it is not my level of tired. I can't imagine what a "normal tired day" will feel like, but I am looking forward to experiencing one. If my levels ever reach past seventy and my hair grows back and I can work out, I can guarantee I will feel like Wonder Woman. I finally see that there is a reason why I can't do what others do. Because if a jump of only 7 points has given me enough improvement to hope again, to walk, to wish to engage with those I love- imagine that multiplied by ten!!! I am no longer envious of normal people because they have a boost I don't. There is nothing I can do about that other than keep on the treatment I am and hope for the best.

About Struggles with Envy, Choices and Therapy;

My therapist and I had an excellent appointment the other day. Before I knew my Ferritin had gone up we were discussing my envy of energetic people who put whatever they wish to eat in their grocery cart and flit from one thing to the next. Or those women who have it all together and care about putting effort into their looks, plus do things for others, plus manage their families. I moaned, "I despise being envious. Normally I don't struggle with jealousy unless it involves my husband...I'm just not the type because I love my differences and my wonderland approach to life...but I KNOW it's a problem and I am angry at the luck of the draw in health that people who do not give much thought to life are healthy and happy. I don't wish to be that person. How can I stop being envious??!?" To which he replied with something akin to, "There are benefits and downsides to everything. You know, some parents end up sitting in the bleachers cheering on the game for their kids but do not have regular conversations on a deep level with their children. They think cheering them from afar in their chosen, individual activity is quality time. In a way it is. But it is not the same as what you do. It can not be compared. Because of your low energy level you have made integral choices for your children that have benefited them. You see your children 90 percent of their lives. You are always there to talk with them, you witness all their milestones and you teach them almost all they know. That is HUGE. That is also because of your low energy. Yes some years they learn less than other years due to your health, but do you think you would have chosen homeschooling if you hadn't run into energy issues to sustain all that formal school involved (the interactions with other parents/playdates/making lunches/pick up times/ drop offs/extracurriculars/homework...conformity- ha ha those were my words not my therapists) ? Your slower pace also keeps you from taking on too much and the stress levels involved with that. Many patients I have had over the years in their later ages who had high energy output with their families have different negative effects, varied diseases associated with stress, and regrets about their choices too. What you have to see is what you are capable of- and what benefits have come with that. Then the envy will melt away. You won't think of yourself as higher than these people either but instead see it as a range of choices and circumstances that can not be controlled ( like certain health conditions or different mind wiring) with downsides and upsides."

This resonated with me. When I found out last night that my Ferritin had improved enough to breathe easier, and it wasn't just an illusion, I realized the truth in this. Circumstances DO matter. Natural health plays a large role in choices. I can see now that "normal" levels of blood to me looked like Superhero women simply because it has been years since I have felt that. Actually, my Anemia started in grade six after menstruation and I have never had a Ferritin level of 70 that I can recall how it felt. Even if I do get a level of 70, I am STILL an INFJ and Autistic. Thus, I will never be a go getter in the social realm. Nor, will I make conventional choices. However, I will probably (hopefully) be able to follow through on choices that I WISH to make...a bit more time with people outside of my family, less crankiness due to depletion, more fun trips where I don't spend the time regretting the "fun" and faking it to make it, and more time to be active.

Thus far the benefits of having low Ferritin have involved:

*Knowing who my friends are. I know, by the responses, who actually fits into my life. If a person responded with, "Oh I have had Anemia and it's not that bad." Yet they had no idea what Ferritin levels were I knew that my case was being negated and it was time to move on to a better support system. Of course, I always give a chance for understanding, but if that wasn't acknowledged...

*With this, having friends who could accept my low energy output without pushing too much but still being available in my life. I know this is sort of unfair...but life is unfair and so is my condition. Thus I try to make it up to them in varied ways and I DEEPLY appreciate their willingness to see value in being in my life.

*Learning boundaries. I was forced into boundary learning in my mid twenties because of my Autistic brain, INFJ soul and my health. I think the health forced my hand more than any other difference. I will be forever grateful for the hard lessons involved but the massive life improvement on all other levels besides health.

*Making energy conservation choices. Even if/when I have "normal" energy/oxygen levels again, I think I will carry my values and lessons into not doing more, but sustaining quality in a few extras that life may give me.

*Compassion. I can not stress enough, how I have learned to sympathize with all chronic condition sufferers. For me there is hope that a large aspect of my health will get better even if I have two other chronic conditions. But having this low of energy helps me to understand others. I know it doesn't compare to terminal or massively deteriorating conditions, but it has given me a long lasting bitter taste of moments that feel similar on a lesser level. I can empathetically put myself in their place and know how a fragment of that life feels.

*Less Judgment. I know I have judged energetic people out of envy but I also know that I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. I have a personality type which my observations and life choices sound like judgment, but it's just me...and my best friend and husband will testify that I am one of the least judgmental people they know. I have a lot of grey areas which tend to bother people more than if I had extreme black and white. I am a natural perspective taker. Yet, this has been taken to EPIC levels due to my own circumstances. I now look behind the scenes even more. If my cells tell a story of exhaustion that can not be seen, what about everyone else? What about that energetic lady? Maybe she goes home to recover for hours just like I do? Often people think I am normal and smiling. I see my pictures. I look normal in them...happy, healthy, young ish, energetic...I take multiple selfies because this always baffles me. I want to see what the world sees and look at myself from that angle as well. So maybe, this applies to everyone on some level?

*No regrets. I had a family member say to me recently, "You will regret that decision. What about *insert anonymous child name here* and if you never see them again. You would never forgive yourself for the boundaries you set." This gave me no pause because I realized this person did not really know me on a deep level, if this is what they think. I may have short regrets and a few bigger ones but I do not wish for life to be any other way. I would not be the person I am today without those experiences. I am thankful for them. A lot of good came out of them too. I just can't work in black and white. They may be partial regrets but they are not encompassing feelings of depression. If it came down to never seeing that said child again, I would be upset and it WOULD be a loss. But I would be more worried about how it affected the child. I know I would adjust and be fine. I can love from afar easily...sometimes painfully and people can assume I have no love at all when I do. If I get a chance behind the scenes to make someones life better who is out of my life- I will take it. I would do all I could outside of that child's life to make it better, but if the chips fell that way, I wouldn't feel like I made the worst decision.

We all make decisions that have both good and bad. We also make them where we are at...without the information of the future. We must try to make the healthiest, best, most loving choices, but what that looks like for one person, may look like a horrid decision to someone else. I won't ever judge myself for making a decision in the past. It was what I did and what it was. Also, I believe in human frailty and the gifts of imperfection. I WILL make some choices that could have been better...we all do. However, we make what we do at the places we are at. There is grace for that. It seems ungraceful to the uneducated but actually think about the ripple effects involved with that sort of self acceptance and love. My ill health has caused me to have even less time to dwell on regrets or to wallow in the past. The past is gone for better or worse, and maybe in the future it will be redeemed in surprising ways? Right now is all I've got...

*Which brings me to my last point- Nothing brings home gratitude and making good life choices like the hovering of possible death or the threat of life declining fast. Every day I am reminded of what I have, what I have lost, and what I could gain. EVERY DAY. Every outing I am reminded of my mortality. Because being drained from low oxygen in every cell including the storage cells can feel like a slow drain of death. Like a balloon deflating. In each choice I make, I see quickly how it benefited my energy or drained it. Which makes me more careful about all the little choices. I have realized my children in organized sports ( they still experience the benefits of being active or part of a team in varied ways) is not a priority but time with them IS. I have realized what matters to me on small daily levels and what matters ultimately with my children. They may have a long healthy life or they could pass away in an untimely way- I want them and myself to know if that happened, that they owned every second and had valuable, connective, life choices. I feel deeply grateful for the days I CAN walk or go on a short outing without major recovery after. I feel grateful for the friends who understood on a deeper level and for the friends who may not have but supported me or spoke in my language despite this. For the space received and lack of judgment for needing it. For the many movies with friends because it is easier for me than speaking for hours. For deeper conversations when I am able and the ability to cancel when I am not. For small moments of connection and large times of witness. It ALL matters. What taught me some of my best life lessons were my "differences" and harder life moments. Chronic illness, being a minority in personality and a definite minority in brain wiring forced my hand in some ways and gentled it in others. I am beyond grateful even if I have had some tough, tough moments.

Life is still hard despite improving levels. I still have a lump in my thyroid I am currently ignoring, dental work that has been going on since August averaging three times a week ( that is getting to me but I am thankful for my team and have given them gratitude gifts because of their care), and other life circumstances that are not always easy. Yet with a few points in Ferritin, I feel like maybe there is hope to rise to these occasions with more fortitude. It makes a difference. It's amazing how one seemingly tiny factor in health can be the difference between healing and deterioration. I hope each person can find theirs, whether it is a vitamin deficiency or a tweak in diet, or some sort of blood discovery ect. Because getting help after ten years of suffering feels like a miracle. I don't know if it will last, but I am glad I kept fighting to be heard. I am relieved I wouldn't back down from my statements of "something is wrong here and it needs to be addressed." Keep fighting, keep Being,  or as Journey croons, "Don't stop believing.":)

*The song that best describes this journey is also mine and hubby's new song for the year. It describes us to a T...to the point that I have a post that has been sitting in my drafts folder with all the lyrics and a tribute to him...if I ever get around to it. "It's kinda Complicated" by Scott Helman. My fav lyrics are, "There's a dictionary page dedicated to us. It says some days we're gonna shine, and some days we'll rust. But they left out the meaning, didn't give it a name. 'Cause they couldn't find a word for our kind of insane... And I overheard them saying that we got a disease. But I only got you, and you only got me. There's a moment when I'm smiling, and I'm shiny, and gold. Or a bad, bad feeling creeping in my bones. And I like it that way, 'cause I'm weak in the knees. But when it's not half-amazing, well, it kinda looks bleak...

Yeah, I only got you . And you only got me

I got from frustrated

To feeling liberated

(Oh, oh)
We're kinda complicated" Link HERE

The Importance of Physiotherapy for Chronic Illness, Weight, Muscle Weakness, and Injury.

It took me a month plus a couple days to really face the fact that I gained two extra sizes in clothing. But I can honestly say I have adjusted now. (See previous post HERE.)

I have a plan and it's no longer hinging on weight loss. First, I saw my therapist and doctor. We figured out that while I am eating fairly great ( I have made a few tweaks here and there but nothing major... less cream in my tea ect.), and walking almost every day, my muscle weakness is not burning calories for me. I have the bare amount of muscle to get by in life. He said, even if I am walking, I won't lose because my muscles aren't engaged enough to burn calories, thus he wanted me to start muscle training and squatting. My heart sunk at this statement because I knew my history. I try exercise, it goes well for maybe a few days, then I put my back out, injure myself and end up far worse than I was before. And depressed. He told me to work with my physiotherapist to come up with a plan that could work. That felt hopeful.

I can not stress enough, the importance of Physiotherapy to anyone who is suffering chronic illness, muscle weakness, fatigue and injury (all of which I have.) Because my physiotherapist is well versed in my whole physiology and muscle composition, she automatically ruled out squats. Our goal will be to GET me to a point where I can manage squats. It will take a few months. Which is both depressing and validating all at once. She said because of my hip injury and because my muscles are so weak, I cause myself injury because I lift from my back, which can't withstand the weight. My back is stronger than my thigh muscles which shows the imbalance of my body. Basically we have to start from breathing exercises, triggering stomach muscles into action carefully, and basic lifts. She gives me little exercises every day to build on. I see her regularly. In the last session, I was allowed on the bike for six minutes but then she wouldn't let me use any resistance. What's hilarious is that a seventy year old was using resistance beside me for longer. Which was depressing and humorous all at once. I'm really laughably sore and it has only been two weeks of daily intentionality. But I have lost one full pound in that time, so I really do think that muscle control/burning was my missing puzzle piece. Someone suggested I run but she said no running ever  because my postural muscles are not strong enough to sustain the wear and tear running causes. Plus, my one leg is shorter than the other which requires balancing muscles... so there goes that plan - luckily we don't live where the lions are.

I want to be strong. I miss being able to do simple hard work without paying for it. I resent disease and dyspraxia combined causing this, plus a past injury. I envy those whose bodies are lucky enough to do squats without preparation. Who can build muscle simply for more strength and enjoyment. I miss moving muscle for muscle sake. I'm craving energetic activities. I want to be back in the game. I will do what I can for the stage my body is at. My husband reminded me to be grateful I can do this much compared to a year ago. Chronic illness can be so vast for different people and it's important not to judge myself against anyone else. 

For years, I would try different exercise programs and end up in bed for weeks at a time. I WANTED to get in shape. I desired to be strong, but no matter what I tried from high intensity to gentle yoga or stretching, I would cause further harm and injury. Some of this was because Dyspraxics can't often tell how much pressure they are applying in the moment or even really feel strain until a few days later. But most of the issue was that, despite doctor's aid or permission for "lighter" programs, I was missing a piece of the puzzle. Physiotherapy. I needed a trained health care professional well versed in the muscle composition of the body, to start me off slowly and re train my weird body to get to a point when I can even begin to do an exercise program. My first physiotherapist was previously a Gynaecologist as well and she was the one who informed me of my back, hip and abdomen injury composition. We worked for five months on breathing alone before she moved ( I was at a point in anemia where I barely functioned.) Where I live, the physiotherapy is free but it's a two year waiting period. So I waited while walking (the only activity I could manage and if I walked too much in one day I would still put my hip/lower back out) and I gained a bit in the meanwhile, and finally received a phone call a year and half later to meet my new physio gal.

TIP: The physiotherapist has their hands on every aspect of your body within the first session. It's always uncomfortable for me because I am actually a private person, despite what comes across on this space. I learned from the first time that it's important to wear flexible, form fitting capris, tanks and over shirts that can come off. I also wear socks even though I don't wear socks in minus 4o degree weather in my outdoor boots. I hate socks so much and they often make me feel colder.  But at Physio I wear grip ones because runners are a pain to change into (plus I don't own any) but bare feet is gross on the hospital floor, plus they also tend to touch the feet a lot, so I don't want them to deal with anything unpleasant. Even with the appropriate attire, they tend to lift up clothing.  No area of the body is off limits. They assess EVERYWHERE. Something I was not prepared for the first time I went in. It's professional but it DOES feel invasive as they press into your buttocks to feel the muscle groups, lower pelvis and so on. I also make sure my legs are waxed/shaved/ ect. and I smell good because I can't imagine how that job would go for them dealing with so many aspects of various bodies. If you feel uncomfortable with a certain gender, keep these aspects in mind when choosing a physiotherapist.

My priorities have gone from wanting to lose weight to wanting to gain strength. The weight was my trigger point. I will admit I plummeted into an obsessive state for a few weeks. I got a calorie counter (and found out I am usually 200 calories under what I need to lose weight so that wasn't super helpful but I use it every day to see how I can maximize the healthier calories first.) I scrutinized the mirror for fat lumps. Basically I was off balance in my perspectives. But I needed to move through that phase to get to where I am now. It's just how I am. I spend a couple months in obsessiveness when a change happens, then I adjust my perspectives, change some things, let it go, and move on.

I realized, like anything, there are pros and cons to weight gain or loss. When I look at normal people and weight changes, I see the good and the bad. The thinner I get, the more wrinkles show ( unless using botox ect.), dark circles are more obvious, there is a general lack of glow, smaller boobs ( a con for me- ha ha), and less of a square face shape. With weight gain I benefit in different ways. However, on the flip side, when I am a few sizes down from where I am now, I fit into clothes I love. I get to shop at my favourite store which does not carry much at the size I am currently at, and come home with loads of happy options. I feel better belly wise. I tend to carry the most on my belly and I like it not digging into my pants. 

When I looked at this list, I realized that the weight no longer mattered anymore. I am what I am. Both sizes have attributes I miss in the other category. Both have aspects I benefit from. However, I realized what DOES matter to me is strength. I was getting the two mixed up. I want to be able to lift my nephew without putting out my back. I want to spend more hours with him than I usually can manage, because I am stronger. I want to be able to open jars without calling my kids or having to skip out on it entirely because no one is around to help me. I want to be able to carry a box without injury, lift groceries without feeling a rip in my side, manage the times the kids pile up on me and I can't breathe, dance without getting out of breath (due to anemia but I think strength will give more oxygen), and any other numerous activities that require muscle tone.

I don't want to be a weight lifter nor am I in admiration for the look of muscles. It's fine if people look like that, but it has never been a goal for me. It's not about looks at all...it started out that way admittingly, but I have moved on. It's about quality of life. I finally think I have found a way to master aspect of chronic illness plus meet my body from a place of strength. I felt hopeless for so many years, watching others be in health, muscle and achieve awesome goals for themselves. But now, I have my new physiotherapist. I make sure I engage in her exercises every day. 

This may seem small to most, but I feel so sore every night. Last night I tossed and turned till three because my abdomen was burning so much. I have to apply hot packs (at her suggestion.) But, it's been two weeks and I have not put out my back yet! Which is amazing. For the first time since my early twenties, I feel that I may be able to heal parts of my body. She thinks that we MIGHT be able to heal the injury spot. She says it will always be a problem area but if we do the right muscle groups, we may be able to trigger it less and less! That is HUGE for me. She also suggested I see my naturopath again to get more minerals into my body. I feel these are all things I can do. For so long my life has been about what I can't do and what I can't eat. I suddenly feel empowered. There are small changes happening already but it's not automatic or linear. It's the long haul journey of setbacks and forwards. I want to enjoy it...I think I can do this.

Coming from a place of empowerment versus helplessness is so important. I highly encourage anyone who is suffering from chronic illness, injury or Dyspraxia to find a knowledgeable physiotherapist. She has made all the difference for me. I finally feel hopeful in these aspects of life.

Song Choice: Michael Buble's new album came out. Love this song- it encompasses how I feel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFWrju9qrWQ