From An Autistic; How To Navigate Covid19 as Differently Abled Person Or a Caregiver to Neurodiverse People. Navigating Differences During Crisis.

*I have been asked to write a post to help autistics especially deal with this time period at Home while healthy (other subjects are another post) I was also told that Neurotypical people could also benefit from the post...I can only hope this will help. I will be mostly referencing other posts that I feel should be read which are mostly WAY shorter than mine so yay! (I also tried to make mine shorter so you would have time to read the articles.)*

Changes can be especially hard on Autistics and all the people who have differently wired brains from the majority or differently abled bodies. We even struggle with happy changes. So when a societal change happens and it affects all areas of our lives, we are going to probably experience more meltdowns, behavioural issues, anxiety or executive functioning fails. Even if we are benefiting from certain aspects like online shopping or access to free helps we did not have before.

Many people with developmental disabilities won't fully understand the new rules of society. They don't understand why they can't keep their routine or see their usual friends or supports the same way. I feel for those whom may get fined for not social distancing whom can seem "normal" but don't quite understand the meaning of social distancing. These two articles speak upon the disparity that can happen: Independence versus Dependence by Musings of an Aspie CLICK and Decoding the High Functioning label by Musings of An Aspie CLICK. 

The sheer level of ignorance, even in normal "IEP" or specialized educational expectations for those whom are Neurodiverse shows our society's unreasonable expectations. I am worried about parents enforcing these on children in isolation. As this article  ( https://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/11/13/unreasonable-goals/ ) states, I, as a 30 plus adult, can not even meet some elementary school programs expectations. As the author comments, I am not against special programming, or aid, but these need to also be coming from reasonable expectations and with guides from those whose brains actually work differently.

What does this have to do with isolation and covid 19 times?

A lot of disabled adults and children ( autism, down syndrome, learning disabled, differently wired, IQ differences, dyspraxics, handicapped, and multiple others whom are different yet not less) are still being expected to live under unreasonable goals. 'Unreasonable' will be different for each person in terms of needs and require contextual support. An example of this would be of a mother who has a special needs child whom pushes them to accomplish the same as their other children and when it happens they state, "The doctors said it will never happen but look what it she/he  did!" As the child is pictured clearly melting down in the background. Or showing a confused look of pride because they did something that made mommy happy but that they would never choose on their own to do...and their emotions are not considered. The mother pushed, the child preformed even if it is a great accomplishment they were not supposed to perform, but inside they feel turmoil that can not be expressed. The injustice they can't give words to. That maybe they did not want to do that, just because they could. Maybe it was not important for them to prove it?

I understand how it is important to push at times, in order to help a child or adult become their best...but then we get into the question, "What is best?" What if your version of physical fitness or learning the list of vocabulary perfectly, or reading at that level, are not in the best interests of the child? What if they do not want to climb that hill? Does that mean they are less motivated or less accomplished? What if they prefer to sit and watch or read? Does that mean that they have less of a life? What if they prefer to run around instead of read? It is important they can learn enough to support their best life and what they can do for basic living, but what then, if they do not want to engage on that level? In this article ,Autistic Soul (CLICK) writes, "Part of my job as the parent of an autistic child is to make his reality as tolerable as possible, and this means showing him how to adapt by working with his sensory issues – like going to the shops when it’s quiet and wearing headphones to block out excess noise. Parents will find that children spend less time in their fantasy worlds when their needs are being met, and this includes their educational needs, but they must be aware that fantasy/escapism may always be an integral part of their child’s life, no matter how old they are. "

That is where covid comes in...these children and adults are still in their homes, abiding by the rules, either by enforcement or coercion or understanding, but they are still differently wired people. They still require different rules within the home, differing perspectives and understanding.  I was shocked that the schools are giving home work worth six hours a day!This would be unreasonable for any home schooler with a few special exceptions. It's not needed yet the schools are asking it. I understand there is a concern children need something to do- but there are MANY ways to have a rich life at home. 

Cynthia deals with an aspect of this on a post on sensory sensitivities in changing seasons: https://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/10/23/changing-seasons-and-sensory-sensitivities/ . This can also be applied to the changing season of Covid and some anxiety, behavioural changes and sensory preferences that could happen to any Neurodiverse child ( again this does not apply to just autism but a lot of diverse people groups.)

Also, just like there is a spoon theory for those with chronic illness, it also applies to those with disabilities: https://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/10/15/conserving-spoons/  I think many "ordinary" people may actually feel that they are not normally abled during this time. It's not the same as being disabled in day to day life, but some may feel some of the same restrictions that disabled people feel daily. This is when the "normal majority" may be able, in some small ways, to understand those of minority to a degree. They are walking in the shoes where culture collides with normal living.

Cynthia wrote HERE about liminal spaces like the current Covid situation; "It’s okay to feel certain and uncertain, often at the same time. Feeling one doesn’t make the other untrue.It’s okay to doubt myself, to feel insecure and crazy at times. Like the anger, fear, sadness and frustration, I can feel those things, move on when I’m ready, come back to them when I have to. It’s okay to not have an answer. There are more unknowns in the universe than there are knowns. See also: the unknown unknown. It’s okay to change. 2500 years ago Heraclitus said, “You could not step twice into the same river” and there’s a reason people still quote him. We are constantly changing, like it or not, accept it or not, realize it or not. It’s okay to ask for validation and it’s also okay if not everyone I share my experience with offers validation. Ultimately, I have to punch my own ticket.

It’s okay to feel like I’m the only one who knows my experience and, at the same time, it’s okay to identify with the experiences of others, even if I don’t share their diagnosis yet or never will. Adapt what is useful applies to more than just kung fu." 

If a "normal" parent needs to tell themselves these facts during this liminal time of Coronovirus, how much more does a child need to hear and FEEL this allowance from their parents? How much more does a neurodiverse adult need to make allowances for themselves or have their families give more understanding?

Where do I get authority to write about this? I am a wounded healer. My so called faults are also my virtues. In native traditions, the wounded healers were those who had been through something and survived, and then in turn brought understanding and solace to others. They have faced the challenges where the wind blows the hardest and yet their roots run deep. Their strength is in the difficulties they have learned ways around or acceptance in living those differences out. I have been deeply wounded by experiences. I have also healed some of these wounds. It is a journey. I am autistic. I am not ashamed of who I am but have had to face shame before and will again. I have multiple disabilities but I also have multiple abilities. I see the world differently. My children also have differing brain wiring, abilities and disabilities.

I read this post https://www.learnfromautistics.com/autism-interview-121-autistic-soul-on-late-diagnosis-fantasy-and-autistic-identity/ and for a moment I wondered if I accidentally wrote it in my sleep! I could have almost written it word for word. Which tells me that my experiences are not just mine alone. Some may be particular to me, but the larger lessons I have slowly learned, can perhaps help others? The numerous articles I have consumed and made part of me, can now be helpful to those who do not search for such things, but need the alternative perspectives to understand the differently abled around them. If you have such people in your life, please read or mark the short articles for later that I have referenced here. They may just help you during this time too.

*If possible get together with a few safe friends whom are healthy. Just wash. Human connection in person is healthy for your child too.

Song Choice: Life- Our Lady Peace "Oh life is waiting for you. It's all messed up but we're alive."

AUTISM INTERVIEW #97 PART 1: KMARIE ON THE BENEFITS OF KNOWING YOURSELF June 4, 2019Interviewsautistic identity, identity, Kmarie, music This is the first part in a two-part interview with Kmarie @ learnfromautistics.com

I participated in a two part interview at https://learnfromautistics.com/blog/ Please check out Jenna's site as it is an excellent resource! I LOVED the interview process with her, she also edited all my words, which took the pressure off my executive functioning issues! Thanks Jenna for all the hard work you do on behalf of Autistic people and for asking me to participate.

AutIstic INTERVIEW #97 PART 1: KMARIE ON THE BENEFITS OF KNOWING YOURSELF

June 4, 2019Interviewsautistic identity, identity, Kmarie, music

This is the first part in a two-part interview with Kmarie. Kmarie is an autistic wife, mother, and blogger from Canada. She is is drawn to music and often uses song lyrics to express her emotions. Her beautifully written blog details a variety of different life experiences, including (but not limited to) living with Asperger’s, INFJ personality, low ferritin, and chronic illness. This week Kmarie discussed her relationship with music, the importance of self knowledge, and her struggles with executive functioning and language.

On your About Page, you write, “I believe when we know ourselves first, we make the world a better place.” Can you expand on this?

Baruch Spinoza (one of my favourite Philosophers) wrote, “The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions the more you become a lover of what is.” If we can not understand why we choose different ethics, emotions or responses, then it is tougher for us to understand people who are different from us. I feel, when we love what IS our life- whom we ARE, we are able to activate change because our foundation, grounded in a sense of secure self to a degree, is built. When we know our motivations and why, I think that it is easier to be compassionate about the way others are. Thus making the world a better place. When we are at peace with our own understanding of where we stand, how we are, and whom we wish to become, we add that strong, solid stance to the human collective. Perhaps it’s a bit of a Stoic mentality, but when our self is in check, understood, and balanced, we are less prone to violent rage, ignorance, and trampling of other’s basic human rights.

How do we go about “knowing” ourselves? How have you learned more about yourself? In what ways do you continue learning?

Wow, this is a big question that will have a big answer and I will still feel I am leaving things out…Feel free to skim.

There are many mediums to learn about self. Cognitive therapy, conversation, film, art, music, reading…but specifically, I feel that in-depth knowing of self can often jump off in Personality Typing. The issue with Typology is that often people answer questions with how they wish they were or how they mistakenly perceive themselves and thus get the wrong result. A wrong result is worse than no result. I often tell people they will know it is right when they read their overview and think, “How did this person crawl into my mind?” MBTI tests like Personality Hacker or 16Personalities are excellent starters. I am an INFJ. In the past, I mis-tested as an INFP, which, after reading the description, I realized I am most definitely not. INFJ described my life. The Enneagram  is another layer of self, but again, the testing is tricky. I am a 4 with a 5 wing.

There is a certain sense of “Becoming” or “Knowing” when I read a book or a test result that resonates in frequency with my soul. When I found out I had Autism/ Aspergers…that was another piece of ME. But honestly, knowing yourself DOES come with some struggles. Each time I find a new aspect of myself that resonates as true, I go through a mini identity crisis of  “Oh wow I am like that? That is something I now need to work at embracing or growing in my life.” 

At first, it can be hard work…learning about personal strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes even if it feels true, it may not be wished to be true…and it requires some soul growth. I cried about my Enneagram Fourwhen I read Beatrice Chestnut ‘s book, but then I read the “Sacred Enneagram,” and even though some of my core beliefs may sightly differ, that book put my four back into some perspective… and then I found a blog by an actual Enneagram 4 that dispelled the multiple myths from writers trying to understand but not actually Fours themselves. That cleared everything up for me. I still enjoy Beatrice Chestnut’s ideas, but I take them with a self aware grain of salt. Now I am proud to be a four. But that is because I had that guidance from another actual Four type. 

It is the same concept with a “professional” versus an “actual Autistic” voice. Both have value, but choose the actual Autistic voice first and foremost. It’s why it is so important that we tell our stories…even if we think they don’t matter or no one is listening. When we tell our stories, it enables others to tell theirs. But after the hard work of an initial new knowing of self, a new layer of understanding is born, and that is often when life tends to get better. Or at least, I become better within the normalities of every day living…

Oh, I am a self growth junkie. I kind of “life coach” people in my spare time so I am constantly on the lookout for new paths of knowing and learning. Currently I am reading “The Goddesses in Every Woman” and “God’s in Everyman” based on Jung Typology rooted in Greek Archetype Myths. I was blown away when I found out I was an Aphrodite and wrote a post on that. My pre-judgments going into that were challenged. I often feed my learning through regular reading of Philosophy, Psychology, Educational, and Sociology themed books. Right now I am reading, “Life through the Lens of Unschooling” by Pam Laricchia and finding myself in many of the pages. I also just finished an Alan Watts book. We are conducting a book study in our home. We also host “Called to Question Gatherings” to which we invite people who are passionate about topics to educate listeners and discuss in an openly peaceful forum of differing beliefs. We have had a lot of professors, educators, and laymen speak about topics that interest them. I firmly believe we learn more from people who are excited about their own stories.

I am constantly on the lookout for viewpoints opposite of my own to challenge any stagnant thinking I have. For instance, I heard about Jordan Peterson and his controversial book. Initially I was very against him, but after watching numerous You Tube videos of his discussions, I finally began to understand his story and where he was coming from. I read his book…I was annoyed at some parts, and disagreed with some, but I also came away with a belief that for SOME people- his book will make them better people…and for THAT specific audience- his voice matters too. Even if it is not something I would fully support, I at least respected the way he holds himself in an argument. If I feel I am becoming too conservative, I read more liberal people…and if I feel I am becoming too liberal (which is more my natural tendency), I re balance by reading a respected conservative. I always try to make sure my sources at least share a value of trying to make the world a better place or some sort of ethical platform. While I am a rebel in my own way, I am also a rule follower, so I try to find people who have that balance. I try to have a ratio of books that would be in agreement with whom I am, but also that require me to do outside the box thinking. As Baruch Spinoza writes, “No matter how thinly you slice it, there will always be two sides.”

You recently wrote a blog post about increasing executive functioning and language difficulties you experience. How does this impact your relationship/interactions with your husband and children? Are there ways they can support you during these times?

It has been hard. It is taking me longer to process. Normally I am a rapid processor. I can read a book easily in a sitting, but it’s been taking me a bit more time lately. Getting my thoughts out in real life, as opposed to writing on a page, has always been more challenging, but now, to my horror, it is translating to paper/typing too. I admit I have been in panic mode lately, and I am trying to use the time I do have with more accuracy to advocate for myself, with my children and husband. Plus, I want them to have the skill set to navigate deterioration or different paths of communicating when/if it happens to them. So the times I am more cognizant, I have been reading them posts of others this has happened to, I try to explain, I try to give them an understanding of the brain, nutrients, what is possible to control and what is not… But then there are the moments when I have no words and I get frustrated easily. Honestly, I am still learning to navigate this with them. Most of this year I have felt like a massive failure.

I home school my children, so I do need a certain level of communication to keep them up in their studies. Our facilitator just came and was happy with their progress, but I couldn’t shake the failure pit of despair in my gut. Deep down I know though that I am resilient and loved…and we can work with whatever life throws at us with enough hutzpah. Basically I am stubborn in believing in my worth and contributions overall because it has been a life long fight of mine.

They have naturally helped me by giving me words. Luckily, I am so in tune with my husband and children, they often know what I want without me saying much. Over a decade with chronic illness with spurts of pain so bad I cannot speak has given us practice in this situation. My daughter knows with my facial expressions generally what I want. We have an almost made-up language of gestures, expressions and grunts etc. She brilliantly figured out that often when I am in “the zone” and they try everything to get my attention and I just can’t give it, all she has to do is gently stroke her finger down my cheek or stroke my hair and immediately I pay attention. My husband never figured that out…he always tries to talk louder or suddenly sits beside me or uses shock effect, and that won’t get my attention. I may startle, but I won’t be focused. I appreciate my daughter figuring that out. I thought I hated most forms of unexpected touch, but I appreciate when she does that.

My husband luckily has the best sense of humour. He is also generally a natural care taker. So when I mess up my words, he does often laugh, but it doesn’t bother me because it is in an enjoyment way…he loves my interesting speech slurs, word and phrase mix ups, and the way I speak. But he is pained for me if it is getting in the way of my life. I now often look to him in a conversation, and he knows he is supposed to jump in to supply the words I need to make my point. He never takes over though if I am struggling through, but I wish to continue. He generally has worked out cues with me to know when I want support and when I do not.

I really struggle if I am in a flow state and get interrupted. Often my words won’t come back and I can become frustrated for the rest of the day. My family is learning not to interrupt when I am in a monologue. 

I have never been able to express some of my emotions without typing or writing…so when I am mad at my husband, he knows by the songs I play. He also tends to know my mood by the music I choose. Music is a massive form of communication in our home. Often, even though it is important to me, I forget to use it. So they all work as a team to make sure I have access to music or remind me that I haven’t listened to any in awhile. It’s like drinking water. Yesterday I became so dizzy and nauseous to the point of curling up in a ball for an hour. My youngest came in and said, “Mom I don’t think I saw you take one sip of water since you woke up.” I thought about it, and he was right! I was swiftly brought two cups of water and half an hour later, I was fine. My family views music as important as water in another way. It is communication, so accessibility to it and reminders for it are part of our day.

You often use song lyrics and music to communicate your feelings. Describe your relationship with music. Have you always been drawn to music?

Music is my life. I don’t feel I could fully function or feel fully human without music. As a little child, I would grab the microphone and sing 80’s rock and roll at the top of my lungs. 70’s and 80’s rock is still what I need if I require an energy burst of happiness. In the crucial moments of my life, the right song has come along to describe my journey. I also can’t seem to cry often unless I have a song to trigger me when I need to. I have to go to songs for those moments like Celine Dion’s “Fly.” I have a song for everything basically. Before iTunes and the Internet, I would know songs from every genre and educate my friends in all of them. I constantly made mix tapes and then burned CDs to express my friendship to people. I communicated my care, and I still send song lyrics via text to my friends. I also love introducing people to new songs. Lyrics are first and foremost my way of speaking. Even in my ordinary day to day speech, those who know many songs will hear lyrics sprinkled throughout. 

I can’t listen to classical much. I find music without lyrics really stressful. It’s fine if it’s background for a movie, but not playing on the speakers. My husband loves classical, and I will tolerate it for awhile before I put on headphones or beg him to put on ANYTHING else with lyrics. Every genre fills a need for me. I am also seasonal in my music needs. For some reason I crave country in the Spring or when I want to celebrate simplicity. I love Jazz and Easy Listening leading up to Christmas. Rock ‘n’ Roll, Broadway, Pop, Metal, Show tunes, Opera, Punk, Indie etc…it all has its place. I like everything except for Screamo and most Classical. Although I am grateful to Classical for getting us to where we are today and there are MANY beautiful pieces. I just need lyrics to ground me.  

Music is part of my soul. I would literally be lost without it. I have a soundtrack playing inside my head for every moment. It expresses a part of me I can’t seem to access otherwise. That’s why the show ‘Glee’ was and is still important to me. Most people don’t get that. I still watch later episodes of Glee when I’m on the treadmill or if I’m having a tough time or if I need to express something. Glee combined all of my interests and obsessions; film, music, movie, artists, self growth, friendship and connection. It did so in a way that was both irreverent and satirical to all subjects and paradoxically respectful and acknowledging. But first and foremost, it expressed the inner energy I have inside. In it I found my voice once again.

 When I first found out about my Asperger‘s diagnosis, I was also introduced to the Broadway musical Wicked. Broadway and film have been huge aspects of my life almost as much as music. As a child I would longingly wish to escape into the 1940’s films. Singing in the Rain, etc. When I found out I was Autistic, the role of Elphaba in Wicked really made me feel less alone. I would play ‘Defying Gravity’ in tears over and over again. My husband knows every lyric due to my continuing obsession and repetitive listening. It helped me navigate the two years I was still finding myself within my diagnosis.

KMarie often selects song lyrics at the end of her posts. Below are her choices for this interview:

This link is by Kodi Lee who is blind and autistic and just won the golden buzzer on America’s Got Talent. His relationship with music and his mom had me sobbing. The way he uses music as his life – I can relate.

Also Me by Taylor Swift because each Autistic person deserves to feel that “I’m the only one of me – and baby that’s the fun of me.”

Hestia/ 'Athena Mode'/ Greek Myths and A Creative Cleaning Mentality. The Importance of Chores (and Music) in Childhood. A Weekly Chore Guide.

Post Edit: I added a new chore schedule to the bottom of this post. 2020.

Hestia, in Greek Myths, is the goddess of hearth and home. She is not considered one of the most powerful of the gods, yet she is probably the most crucial in concept. Rick Riordan understood this in his Percy Jackson series. He wrote; “Hestia shook her head. "I am here because when all else fails, when all the other mighty gods have gone off to war, I am all that's left. Home. Hearth. I am the last Olympian.”- Rick Riordan.

Hope begins at home. Without the importance of home, what is the point of protection?  When the hearth is taken care of, in both body and spirit, there is nurture and care. See THIS (CLICK) post for more on home making mentalities. There is a deep importance of home that many in our current culture are forgetting.

In the post cited above I wrote, "I know that many children do not get to experience safe, nurturing homes. First parents need to find home within themselves before they can provide a haven for children. There are many factors involved that sociologists have studied and personality and psych also come into play ... I am not going to cover that home can be a terrifying place. Instead, I am going to show how we have made our home making part of our healing..."

Most adults of all genders, have to spend a certain amount of hours each week cleaning, tidying, booking appointments, budgeting or care taking in some shape or form. Most of us have to learn skills to keep us alive like food prep, making money, creatively engaging in life, and driving ect. Due to disabilities or differing abilities, our family has a unique twist on this. But I required each of my children, while they were young, to attempt within reasonable age limits, each of these tasks. While they were still safely under supervision, we gave them age appropriate tasks to learn over and over until they were somewhat mastered. The goal was to make this process as easy and pleasant as possible. Music playing, friendly competing, enjoyable chats whilst engaging in work, helped build fond memories while some of these tasks were done. It became easier once they passed eight, but they were aiding in cleaning bathrooms earlier than that.

My husband says I have something called "Athena Mode." What he is referring to is a mixture of battle like strategy mixed with gut intuition wisdom, and truth telling advice. At first I was a little upset about this. I was optimistically hoping he would relate me to Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty- ha ha. Dream on...but deep down I knew I was not an Aphrodite at all. I tend to enter "Athena Mode" when I am brainstorming with people, healing, offering advice, or strategizing life goals for my family. In other words, it is probably a default mode of mine. If I had to choose two Greek gods I am most like, because that is what weird people do, it would be Hestia and Athena. Luckily, the Hestia side of me balances out the times I want to charge fully into situations with weapons raised. But 'Athena Mode' serves my family well when I need to teach them the skills of life. It is especially handy when I have to work counter culturally or parallel to culture.

Due to the varied disabilities, I learned 'helping hacks' unique to each child. For instance, my youngest has Dyspraxia and slow processing speed. He will take 4 times longer at any task. He also struggles with attention due to this and movement. He was often in tears during chore time. I was his partner, doing most of his chores, while helping him in the process. But I did not want him to only associate chores with pain, crying and frustration. He loved music so I ended up strapping a back pack on him with the Ipad inside and headphone attached. Beforehand we spent a few hours making playlists for his chore time. This made him feel invested in the process and then he had something to look forward to. At six, he hilariously picked angry songs like "Enter Sandman" or Avenge Sevenfold choices mixed with Rock and Roll and displaced amongst the list was the lone country song "Hard Working Man."(*1)

Even if my children attended traditional school, they would still have been required to learn each chore in the house by a young age. Obviously, they would do less than they are now weekly, due to the time demands of school. I know, without a doubt, that I would argue with the teacher on homework and generally refuse for my children to do most of theirs. Most home work is unnecessary when children are sitting in school already for 8 hours everyday. I realize it’s more complex than this which is probably why my kids are found at home. I would cut down in our schedule elsewhere, so that they could still have both free time and chores.


Chores are more important than extra curricula's. Why? Learning how to pleasantly and thoroughly do the mundane practices in life is an essential part of living. For both boys and girls. If, from an early age, children can build some good memories around their chore load, their adulthood will benefit. If they learn how to appropriately and efficiently clean and care for what they have, they will be able to not only take care of their own needs, but have a work ethic for their future jobs. No job will be beneath them because they have cleaned toilets and made beds. By being accustomed to chores at an early age, adulthood chores do not seem so blah. Especially if there are good childhood memories attached.

Most adults I know are miserable when it comes to their chores or daily mundane. Yet, a fair amount of life involves these tasks in some ways or form. I am glad my husband knows how to cook and clean and takes part in these tasks. He is glad I can budget, organize and take care of a large amount of the home front. In every relationship it will vary. And if my children do NOT have relationships, it is even more crucial for them to learn these skills. This is more important to me than advanced math or dissecting sentences. Of course, I teach these concepts too, but if I had to choose, I would pick the practical life skills. Which ironically, I struggle with. Part of my process, was calling my mother a few years ago, asking her to help me make a list of all the chores and reasonable amounts of doing them, because even though the children were learning all the tasks, it felt like our home was still messy more often than not. I needed help organizing the tasks.

I make sure I balance their chore load with their free time and educational time. These two concepts go hand in hand. Most of their free time is spent building, being creative, reading, writing, engaging in physical activity or doing art or imaginative play...all of which teach math, physics, english ect. I guard their time like Cerberus guards the Underworld.

When they were little I would dress up for big chore day. I would draw a Moustache on my face and talk like a pirate. I would draw treasure maps of what they had to do. There would be a picture of the 'tickle shark' for the stragglers who did not complete their map. The end treasure would be a family game or special time with mommy. As they aged this turned into song time, friendly competitions or a practice of philosophy.

A few years ago their favourite Chore Day ritual was playing, "It's a Hard Knock Life" ( *2) from Annie. They would pretend they were poor orphans forced to do the evil hag's cleaning (that would've been me. ha ha.) They would mop and sing and probably would have made excellent extra's in the Broadway original. Another favourite was pretending they were versions of Rupunzel stuck in her castle locked away by Mother Gothel (me again. Ha ha) and they would croon, "When will my life begin?" (#3)

Now, I will often remind them that they should view 'Big Chore Day' ( a title they came up with and it stuck) as part of their epic story. It is their middle of the week battle to conquer or perhaps their midday respite of gratitude. They can choose either way to look at it. It fluctuates most weeks. On some occasions big chore day is calm, with the sun streaming in. The sun catchers make the rooms sparkle and the chore load seems easier. Smells of citrus, vinegar and tea tree mix into the air. It feels like a fresh re- set and we are almost honoured and proud to be part of the process. On those glorious chore days, I see them singing or talking to each other or contemplating life as they wipe the dust off of a beloved object. On other days the chores seem to take forever and the clouds cover the sun. As in life, the practiced is not always easy. It is all perspective. I tell them that sometimes it is ok to view the day as a battle or competition. On these days they must persevere, slay their darkness and overcome. They may not enjoy it fully, but when they look back, they can see what they did and enjoy the 'spoils' of hard work. That is usually is a fun activity in a clean space. But it is the little things in life that matter.

These times are also a practice to engage with materials. Chore time also teaches financial responsibility. I remind them, that if they find their rooms too hard to clean, that they should get rid of anything that does not bring them joy or is useful. If they are left with what they find useful or beautiful, then they will realize that care taking of such choices takes time. That time should be filled with gratefulness or appreciation for the object. It also makes them think twice before they spend on objects they will have to take care of. You would think, with that philosophy, that we are minimalists but we are probably more Maximalists. Our house takes longer to dust because of all of our stuff. But we thoroughly enjoy and use what we have. So it works for us. You must find what works for you.

With that in mind, I am leaving our list of jobs below as a construct for people wondering where to start. I admit that we have a slight spin on this original list, but it is almost the same. It took a few weeks to get into our groove but now this works for us. Sometimes we move 'Big Chore Day', if we are sick or busy, but we never skip it. Our house is manageable now and on Big Chore Day, there is less to clean due to the regularity of it.

Big Chore Day (there is a simpler schedule in edits below too):

Child #1:

*Your room and *Your bathroom kept Tidy every day. 

*Your Room and bathroom; dust, sweep, vacuum, and mop, fresh linens/towels, laundry to laundry room, Put away your clothes, Closet,*Empty garbages in areas.

*Change and wash sheets

Rotating starting with area One. (See below)

Child #2:

*Your Room and bathroom2 kept tidy and nice every day.

*Your Room and bathroom2: dusting, vacuum, sweep, and mop, fresh linens/towels, laundry to laundry room, Put away your clothes. *Empty garbages

*Change and wash sheets 

*Rotating starting with area Two ( See below)

Child #3:

*Your room and *Your bathroom kept Tidy every day. 

*Your Room and MAIN:dust, sweep,vacuum and mop, fresh linens/towels, laundry to laundry room, Put away your clothes,*Empty garbags*Change and wash your sheets 

*Rotating Area 3 ( See below)

MOMMY:

*Room, Down Stairs hallway and Closet Tidy every day

*Your Room and closet : dust, sweep, and mop, vacuum, laundry to laundry room, Clothes. Change and wash your sheets.

*Empty fridge of gross leftovers and clean

* Do Budget /Errands/ book appointments /Mail ect./ organization of papers/ Lists for family/ Schooling projects and Trips

*Any seasonal changes with a picked helper rotating, once a month curtains or walls or a big 'spring'
 chore.
*Wipe down outside of cupboards and any extra utility care
*Decor details
*gardening in summer
*plant care

*Rotating area 4 (See below.)

Daddy (sat):

*take garbages to curb

*Meals daily. Soak any pans you use right away ( For curious people see my Dyspraxia posts for why my husband does meals. He has his own hours and we have readjusted the budget so he is home one hour early a day to do meals instead of work plus lunches.)

*Plants watered once a week and outdoors tidied.

*General Maintenance once a week (check lights, dust high up fans and lights, anything that needs fixed or extra renos and keeping area clean)

*Once a month clean out Van and Truck.

*Once a month do your work hours

*Once a week clean inside Microwave and Coffee Maker

*Recycling to Depot once a month
*Mowing in summer, shovelling in winter when needed

Below the Four Areas Rotate through my three children and I, starting with the order written above. We each get a turn throughout the month with varied areas so it is fair.

Area one: 

*Kitchen: Tidy all surfaces, Sweeping and vacuuming, breakfast and lunch dishes washed and put away before supper daily

*Kitchen: once a week thorough - dusting, vacuuming and mopping

Area Two: 

*Living Room and Upstairs Hall: tidy, vacuumed and swept

*Living room and Upstairs Hall: Dust EVERYTHING, wash floors, sweep and mop

Area Three:

*Library and Entry: tidy, vacuumed and swept

*Library and Entry: Dust EVERYTHING, washing floors, vacuumed.

Area four:

*Pantry and Laundry Room: tidy, organized, vacuumed and swept

*Linen closet: organize, fold, floors

DAILY CHOREs;

ROTATE BETWEEN four of us;

* Daily Dishes: Hand washing, Unloading/ Loading, cleaning all surfaces. Counter, stove and table, Sweep.

* Quick Tidy of general areas you are in charge of (see above)

Rotating Laundry;

*Monday: Free for All (whomever needs to catch up or do an extra load)

*Tuesday: Child #1 clothes

* Wednesday: Mommy clothes

*Big Chore Day: Linens, Dishtowels, Towels

*Friday: Child #2 clothes

*Saturday: Daddy clothes

*Sunday: Child #3 clothes

Note: If your laundry is not done on your day you will have to work with whatever clothes you have. You CAN ask the person on their day if you can have a turn if they are done or are generous but otherwise you have to wait till your turn again or remember to put a load on Monday's free day.

Meals and Baking:

*ROTATE BAKING A SNACK ONCE- TWICE A WEEK BETWEEN THE FOUR OF US in alphabetical order. 

*Meal prep on weekends: Each child helps daddy and learns a meal. They can practice this meal once every few weeks on their own.

A clean house makes such a difference in Being in the world. I have to thank my mother for getting us into 'Big Chore Day.' We used to have random days where we would be so frustrated with the mess, we would clean and clean...and it would take more time and the house would be a mess again soon. Now, with 'Big Chore Day' and organized Laundry/ Dish duty the house almost feels like it takes care of itself. As my son mentioned when I read him this post, "In the end, I can't imagine what it would be like without Big Chore Day. Sometimes I hate it but in the end, I look back and think it's fun and the day after is awesome. I'm thankful Nanna helped us organize the entire list so that stuff like clean sheets are a weekly indulgence."

In care taking our home it becomes our 'Soul Friend' or 'Anam Cara' (see side label for more.) We are able to experience frequent, magical, ordinary hearth time because of the gentle work of chores. I wrote in this post (CLICK HERE) "On a night that sings softly of Autumn I feel the magic of being alive. Sometimes living is bone weary exhausting, but on soft nights with spilled lamplight, nurturing food and beautiful surroundings it would seem that the abundance of simply breathing can sometimes beget the simplest magic. Sometimes being alive is at it's most profound in the mellow beauty of meetings. Where nature and materially crafted collide in a fusion of elegant, inspirational beauty. The moment was too tender not to share..."

"Heaven is waiting for me my friend...gee it's good to know I am near the home fire. All of the folks that I love are there. I've got a date with my favourite chair. With every step, every hope grows higher...oh how I missed the home fire..."- Louis Armstrong. (*4)

As the kids are older now and we have found a new groove. This is our new schedule for big chore day:

Child 1:

- Their Room fully ( dusting, floors, laundry, bed, tidy)

- One bathroom (dusting, floors, deep clean.)

- Dusting the entire home

Child 2

 Their Room fully ( dusting, floors, laundry, bed, tidy)

- One bathroom (dusting, floors, deep clean.)

- Vacuuming, Sweeping and Mopping the entire home as well as the day's dishes.

Child 3

 Their Room fully ( dusting, floors, laundry, bed, tidy)

- One bathroom (dusting, floors, deep clean.)

- Tidying all rooms, in house and keeping all the laundry rotated, folded and put away.

The rest is shared between my husband and I or them depending...(Plants watered, extra rooms or organization ect.) I also help with all the chores and go over many aspects with them .

(*1) Hard Working Man- Brooks and Dunn

(*2) It's A Hard Knock Life- Annie

(#3) When Will My life Begin- Mandy Moore

(*4) Home Fire- Louis Armstrong 

Christmas In November; About Hopelessness, Hope, and Choice.

Most mornings I wake up from nightmares into stunning actuality. I look around at the beautiful room constructed by my husband as my heart pounds because it hasn't quite caught up to reality yet, and I take a deep breath as my eyes adjust. As I rekindle consciousness, my heart fills with gratitude that my life isn't the other way around...where I have to escape into dreams to find reprieve. Instead I simply have to wake.

Minus health issues and various life complications I know I am privileged, even though we each have struggles and blessings. Lately, I have had to search a little more for the positive, which perhaps makes it all the more stunning when found. "Freedom is what we do with what's been done to us."- John Paul Sartre.

For a few weeks to months, due to various complications of personal nature in our lives, including some alarming health issues, I began to feel hopeless and helpless. Globally, in current context, if we are paying even a bit of attention or are sensitive souls, we are perhaps all feeling bits of helpless hopelessness. That energy bleeds into our daily lives. The personal blends context into the bigger picture, and I have had to remind myself that what I choose, my freedom in daily living, matters. Often it feels like just when I begin to get my life together, the pain comes again. It's like one of my favourite Dolly Parton songs from my childhood, ***"Here you Come Again," except I am substituting a circumstance for a person into the peppy, feel good tune. Miranda Lambert crooned in one of her new mellow songs, ****"This moment is heavy. For me I am not ready....forgive me I'm finding my ways...well my body is present. My heart is absent. And my mind is racing. My feet are pacing. It's your tail your chasing. It's the past I'm erasing. And your heart can't be tested- when it ain't well rested. My gears are grinding...it's a matter of timing. I guess nothing ain't surviving... And your heart can't be tested when it ain't well rested." In short, my heart ain't well rested.

I knew I needed a jump start. I spent weeks fluctuating between marking myself dead, and fighting to live. With my symptoms I feel 80 or death like every day. It's NOT normal for someone my age and I have a tough time convincing practical minds (when it's not staring convincingly on an ultrasound or blood test which luckily I have had to back me up) that it's not drama but my reality, despite the face of energy I put out when I can. I was brought up to mask. I prepared my budget for imminent death and made sure that I validated my children with constant words of affirmation for them to remember. Leaving my future self in the hands of institutions I don't trust made the whole situation more complicated. And then, on one of the days when I just wanted to bury myself in blankets and cocoon myself in safety, I asked my husband if we could bring out the kids' christmas presents.


It was one of the best decisions we have made this year. The entire morning leading up to our mini early christmas I was sick. The pain almost took me to the hospital, but what could they actually do for me there? Experience has suggested nine times out of ten they make my life worse. So I rode the pain out and around 2:00 I knew I was improving enough to concentrate on life again. I threw on a red blouse over my PJs and put on some eyeliner.  (The other pics featured in this post with my Christmas Sweater are from decorating my mom's tree a week earlier- another beauty moment.) I made my case to my hubby for Christmas in November around noon. We madly cleaned our home, our children motivated by possible gifts (although they took a surprising bit of convincing), and put on every christmas light. Both our trees were lit up. I went to my parents for a lovely lunch and came home to a dreamland which my hubby created while I was gone.

This year my husband had worked an extra few days in the summer so we could order our children unusually large gifts. Normally on Christmas, because they still have my grandparents and parents to spoil them plus a myriad of other people who love to shower them with love, we only gift them with something small ( under 40 dollars or so each.) We prefer to share the love with those whom have less in general and our children have a lot. We had two years where we defied this rule. This year, because of all the pain involved with it and consistent tragedy after tragedy, we decided it was time to spoil our own. To spend money on the children we have in our home, even if they do have a lot, and to make it a fun, seize the moment life.

I was excited about these gifts but slightly nervous I wouldn't be able to see them open them. Yes, part of me thought I would die before Christmas. And I guess none of us really know when anyway, but I was feeling so crappy every day that each morning I was ( and am still) surprised I wake up. I think, "Oh wow, another day...I lived." Then that thought is followed by, "Oh shoot, I have to find the energy to live today and somehow drag myself through my beautiful life." Which I am grateful for deep down but it's also exhausting. My grandpa was hospitalized for possible heart surgery and just in case, I didn't want our christmas affected by one more possible tragedy. So this was the context to which I asked for Christmas in November. I am lucky because I have the option. My children will still get mounds of gifts on Christmas. I don't have to worry that opening now will give them nothing later. I realize my privilege and it is immense.

Walking into my Wonderlandy home, I smiled and felt a small flicker I had not recognized in months. It was hope. The kids shut themselves into my daughter's room while we arranged the gifts in the library. I set up the video camera so that my husband and I could simply be in the moment but also have it recorded for posterity sake. I realize we over record moments in this age, but when one feels like they are on death's door and they have little kids, recording moments seems a bit more important. I want them to relive the love.

Fighting back tears at the sudden burst of unexpected joy, I called my life into the room. They came bounding in with exclamations of "Why don't you go first?" and "Should we do youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest or middle to youngest?" They all waited for each other. My husband and I felt that alone was a moment of success. We exchanged the look parents do when they are pleased and full from the life created between them. We decided on an order and the gifts were slowly opened and savoured. The siblings shared each other's excitement and lingered over gifts before they took their own turn. It was actually perfect. My husband cried because he thought of his childhood and his mom recently gone, but was also happy to have his children in front of him. Mixed emotions of pleasure and pain. I teared up when my son, who shows a LOT of emotion but generally surprise is not one of them, looked like he just won a million snow castles and could not believe it. The sound from his mouth made me laugh and choke on tears. It was hope again and it was coming from a child who ripped himself from my body eleven years ago and has created complicated beauty ever since. He gave me the most emotion because of this.

My daughter and I lingered over her gifts. I was particularly excited because even though she is a teenager, she went with her innocence and asked for an American Girl doll to join her collection. To me, this showed me that we have made the right decision by choosing to home school and slow down the pressure to be an adult. Childhood is only 1/4 of life and it should be protected and valued. I snuck a glance at her youthful yet little woman face glowing, and I felt both pain and joy. Pain that she is beautifully growing into a woman and joy for the same fact.

My youngest spouted rainbows as usual. He is a unicorn of magic when it comes to love and goodness. He is a handful, jumping from one thing to a next and in constant need of support, but the pure love he gives radiates from his being.

My small community that I share Instagram with and a couple people outside of that whom are close, didn't think we were crazy for our Christmas in November. They are used to us doing unconventional things. Plus, our trees were up before Halloween in October thus the timeline seemed about right. I received supportive comments like, "So happy to see you celebrating christmas early." or "This makes me so happy to see you happy." Love like that is priceless and I have it. I have it! I knew I had so much even when I was hopeless, which sort of compounded the hopelessness, if that makes sense? Thoughts akin to, "If I have ALL of this, and these people who love and support my Alice ways, and a beautiful wonderland haven, and a castle in my own home created by my guy, and a man whom loves me, and wonder and beauty and daily struggle inside of this bubble, should I NOT be grateful? Shouldn't I feel hope? Shouldn't I feel the beauty instead of simply seeing it?" I recognized it which made not feeling it even worse. I knew I had a choice on how I perceived my life, and I DID choose to see all of the good. But FEELING it. That has to come when it does.

Choice is freedom. But choice comes long before the feeling does at times. Choice of a moment can stir up feeling and that is important. Our choice to screw with timelines despite possible future disappointment, brought on a bunch of unexpected hope. It may not have worked that way, but the important matter was that we CHOSE it with intent.

We had the freedom to celebrate on our own timeline. It was still Christmas, even in November. My husband, the ever willing man to serve, ran to the grocery store to buy chocolate and strawberries. This MAN, this man who chose me, goes above and beyond sometimes to show his love. He is a well of love and wanting love. All he wanted was a wife who loved him and a little family and a little home. He dreamed of me from the day he could imagine family. And I dreamt of a prince like him. He has put me through hell at times, as I have put him through the fires too, but he IS my soul mate even if I do not believe in soul mates. He is THE one because on my wedding day I said he was. More than that, each day we commit again by communication and hard determination. He is the vessel that enables me to live, and I am the spirit that pushes him onward. He made fresh popcorn on the oven top and delicious home made burgers for a supper treat. Each bite was another bit of hope. Each moment slowed into eternity with an exchange in positive energy. We watched a fun movie later and we went to bed satiated.

I can not begin to explain how much I personally needed this last sunday. Our sundays do not involve church nor any other institution. We are not that type of people, but the community that we STILL have when I uploaded the pictures later that night, was better than any support I ever received in over twenty years of church going. Another choice into freedom.

Life can sometimes be done to us. Some things are out of our control. And sometimes it takes a while for our body, mind and soul to catch up. Things take time. We are not ready for freedom until we are. We aren't ready to react to what has been done to us and to take our choice back, until suddenly we are strong. Sometimes this happens in mere seconds. Other times it take different people, circumstances and events of our own making, to bring us back to hope and joy.

December is tomorrow. I have radioactive tests on monday and more bloodwork to do. There are dental appointments, counselling appointments, EMDR to try for my grieving hubby, optometrists appointments, physiotherapy weekly, and general life requirements. In that I am sure I will fluctuate back to depression and hopelessness. I know I will. But I also know this- HOPE may not be felt for months or years at times, even when we have beauty in front of us. Sometimes we simply have to hold on and keep choosing. We have to show up and sometimes we have to choose not to show up. Both serve. However, hope can be found in the strangest of places. As Dumbledore tells Harry, "“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light.” Sometimes hope works the same way. We have to choose to activate it. It is lingering in the shadows waiting. It's ok for hope to be sidelined while we feel what we need to feel. Hope is not for all moments. In fact, I would argue that feeling without hope, improves hope later. It makes one all the more grateful. Hopelessness in small amounts can also serve. But I would not recommend it for long.

"Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world, I'm on my knees in fascination, Looking through the night, And the moon's never seen me before, But I'm reflecting light. I rode the pain down, Got off and looked up, Looked into your eyes, The lost open windows, All around, My dark heart lit up the skies. Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world, I'm on my knees in fascination, Looking through the night, And the moon's never seen me before, But I'm reflecting light. Give up the ground

Under your feet, Hold on to nothing for good, Turn and run at the mean dogs Chasing you
Stand-alone and misunderstood. Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world, I'm on my knees in fascination,Looking through the night, And the moon's never seen me before. But I'm reflecting light"- Songwriter Leslie Phillips sung by Sam Phillips**

We may not have the fortitude or strength for choice. But eventually there comes a time when regardless of strength, we have to choose or at least choose someone to choose for us. “It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.”- Dumbledore 

Christmas in November was exactly the amount of magic I needed. It brought me to hope. It was like a movie that speaks to your deepest emotions at a time when you feel nothing and suddenly you hear words set to beautiful imagery and music that shoot straight into your soul. An example would be when we went to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and I escaped into beauty. I teared up inside a suitcase with Newt because I was blown away by the 3D beauty. A tiny sliver of beautiful inspiration. Or when we went to Trolls and I sat through most of the movie thinking "Am I on drugs?!? What IS this?!?" It was trippy but there was one part when Justin Timberlake starts crooning, "You with the sad eyes....Don't be discouraged Oh I realize it's hard to take courage in a world full of people...this world makes you crazy, you have taken all you can bear." And I started crying from the combination of his compassionate voice and the sparkles of colour coming on to the darkness of the screen. I actually don't full out cry often. If I do, it usually takes movies or music to trigger me and I had no idea that a psychedelic children's film I didn't particularly enjoy would give me that moment. Or like the Gilmore Girls revival that brought home the fact that you can live in the most idealistic town possible and still have disappointment. You can live in the place of most privilege and not lead a life of beauty.* It's all about whom one chooses to be.

My hope for the world at large? That we can each recognize choice when it is ours. That we have the strength to implement choice or safe people to rely on to implement it for us. That we choose to see inspiration in big cash movies or small town charm. That we celebrate moments like Christmas in November.

*About The Gilmore Girls Arrival. Gilmore Girls is one of my favourite Tv Shows. I love the writing of Amy Sherman- Palladino in general which is why after my initial feelings I came to agree with this review the most: http://flavorwire.com/594639/gilmore-girls-a-year-in-the-life-faces-disappointment-head-on

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/fien-print/gilmore-girls-a-year-life-spoiler-talk-last-4-words-more-950277

 And I felt mostly the same as the article above and I did like this take on it too: http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/lets-face-it-rory-gilmore-is-a-terrible-person/news-story/2ff78ecdc22f0b14aa26604525a5a305
And I agree with this sentiment of overcorrecting Rory in Season 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jib1JHYTrWM and my three ultimate favs? Paris, Kirk and Jess.

Song Choices: **Reflecting Light- Sam Phillips CLICK

****Well Rested- Miranda Lambert CLICK




***Here You Come Again- Dolly Parton CLICK
And a bonus: Justin Timberlake True Colours